Posts in category "UK"

My long suffering wife and I celebrate our wedding anniversary every year in July.

To mark this momentous milestone, ~~I buy her flowers, chocolate, champagne and book a corner table at our favourite restaurant~~, the wife takes the kids camping in the New Forest with her girlfriends while I make the annual pilgrimage to the Hook Norton Festival of Fine Ales with my mates.

So, if you'd like to read something from me in a different style, full match reports for the 2002 and 2003 festivals are already available online together with photos of a human pyramid. We even have our own stalker.

So, it transpires that my first blog article was actually written four years ago - not just a personal web journal but collaborative blogging (Blogger) and social networking (Flickr) and I didn't even know it.

Look at this gentlemans very amusing profile on LinkedIn.

Look at his modest, self-deprecating description - 'I hate it when our friends become successful'. Such a refreshing change from some of the pretentiousness you usually find.

This is the title of one of my favourite Morrissey songs. If only space had permitted the author to add 'especially when they're Northern'.

Now look at his employment record and the impressive list of high powered job roles he has fulfilled for major blue chips in an exciting and varied career spanning over 20 years in IT:

• Junior Programmer (AmberPoint)
• Dogsbody (Kenamea)
• Ringleader (Sun)
• Plumber (Forte)
• Fitter (Sybase)
• Jack of All Trades (Ingres)

Now take a look at the same gentleman's blog and profile picture. At last, you have encountered an American with a sense of humour.

Until you realise he's another music and football loving Brit who crossed the water.

Prizegiving ceremonies at school are a similar experience when you are a parent as when you were a child.

The event seems to last a long time. The tedium is punctuated by the odd, brief moment of excitement when little Norma (or someone loosely known to you) walks up to receive her book token.

Your mind starts to wander asking such important questions as: 'What exactly did Christine Baverstock-Davis do to merit the award of "Outstanding effort in 'resistant materials" ?'. Did she spend countless hours after school bashing iron, steel and rocks with hammers, mallets and pickaxes ?' You start to wonder why your wife neglected to attend this years 3 hour marathon in stifling heat. Must remind her that it's her turn next year.

Of course, as a parent, you feel immensely proud when your child steps up for their book tokens on three separate occasions (Exceptional Student, Effort in Food Technology and Surrey Schools Trampolining). In fact, you are so proud, you nudge your two immediate neighbours urging them to clap a little bit louder.

You furtively reach for those humorous red and white inflatable hands with England flags on and raise them aloft. As your offspring is carefully marshalled back though the aisles by a prefect to their assigned seat, they look absolutely mortified, go beetroot red and whisper 'Dad - put those down - NOW'.

Two hours later, just as the keynote speaker (first ever Head Girl from 1964) nervously steps up for the main speech, there is a kerfuffle outside as some ruffian runs past the open double-doors singing 'Ole - Ole - Ole - Ole. Eng-LAND. Eng-LAND'. You smile to yourself as six teachers simultaneously arise from their seats and run menacingly (while skilfully appearing to be walking fast) to identify and silence the culprit (using force).

You decide to seek the individual out later, give him a lift to hospital and reward him with the inflatable England gloves.

After the event, you are once again immensely proud when your child tells you:

'Dad - when Alistair Barnstormworth did that stupid singing outside, I started to laugh. When I looked round. you were the only mum or dad in the whole hall of 700 people who was also laughing.'

Occasionally, I have had the odd dig at the parochial, inward looking nature of the US TV and printed media.

However, last week, the UK media commemorated the first anniversary of the July bombings in London with endless pages of words and pictures together with and hours of footage, analysis, interviews, documentaries and coverage of yet another two minute silence.

Since August 1997, a nation that was once renown for a 'stiff upper lip' and dignity has somehow been transformed into 60 million professional grievers and bereavement counsellors.

This week, four times as many people lose their lives in Mumbai in a set of horrendous train bombings by terrorists. Curiously enough, this story is buried on page 13 after important updates on corrupt politicians, corrupt businessman and corrupt footballers.

I presume all the people affected by this tragedy in India also have mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, sons and daughters, so put down your paper, turn the radio off and spare a thought for them. May all the victims rest in peace.

This lunchtime, after getting my phone past security, I visited the toilet at the same clients offices. I was staggered to see a sign above the urinal that had another red 'No Entry' sign that said:

'STOP ! If you wish to use this space, please call Facilities Management on Ext 3131. Reference TZ 864'

So I dutifully stopped, zipped my flies up, walked to the sink and called Ext 3131.

'Hello. I would like to use the space - reference TZ 864'

'Hold on. I will just put you through'

[ A good job I wasn't actually holding on ]

'Good afternoon. FM, Sheila speaking. How may I help you ?

'Hello. Norman Brightside here. I would like to use the space at TZ 684'.

'Oh I see. Do you have a specific campaign in mind ?'

'Err, well, no. What do you mean by a campaign ?'

'Well - Recycle more printer cartridges. New deli range available in the Atrium restaurant. Availability of Single Sign On for another 7 IT systems. Discounted dry cleaning. Reinforce the corporate mission statement. That sort of thing.'

'Oh I see. Well no. This is more of a personal matter.'

'Oh I see. Well is it to advertise a pub quiz night, five-a-side tournament, sponsored fun run, apartment to let in Portugal, double buggy for sale, tickets for a Chelsea game. That sort of thing'.

'Well no. Actually I was just hoping to use the, err, facilities here.'

'Oh I see. Where are you calling from ?'

'The mens toilets in Block 43.'

'The mens toilets ?'

'Err, yes. Just by the sink'

'And you just want to use the toilets ?'

'Yes.'

'Oh I see. So why did you call me ?'

'Well the red, no-entry sign said "If you wish to use this space, call FM on Ext 3131"'

'Oh I see. Well is there a similar sign above the middle urinal ?'

'No'

'OK. Well use that one. Good-bye.'

This morning, I was waiting at reception in a clients offices and was filling in time by casually reading the various notices.

One, with a red No Entry sign, caught my eye:

'STOP ! If you are in possession of any camera equipment, please call Group Security on Ext 4141'

'Group Security. Alan speaking. How may I help you ?'

Good morning, Alan. Norman Brightside here. I just wanted to let you know that I have a camera.'

'OK (pause). Well, Norman, I don't seem to have a completed C43 dispensation form from you.'

'I know. I haven't filled in a C43 dispensation form.'

'Email it over and that will be fine'

'I can't email it over'

'Why not ?'

'I don't actually work at these offices'

'Oh I see. What office are you from ?'

'I don't actually work for ABC Corporation. I am just visiting today.'

'Oh I see. Well why are you bringing a camera onsite ?'

'Well it's not a camera exactly but my mobile phone can take pictures.'

'Oh I see. Well as you are not a permanent employee and as it isn't a real camera, that doesn't matter so much so just sign in and that will be fine.'

Strange. I would have thought visitors with concealed camera equipment would have represented the biggest risk to corporate security.

Golly. It is very hot today. Thankfully, the UK Government has told me the solution:

Stay out of the sun. Keep your home as cool as possible. Shutting windows during the day may help. Open them when it is cooler at night. Keep drinking fluids.

Now I would never have dreamt of thought of doing any of those things. Superb advice. May I suggest a couple of additional top tips.

Avoid alcohol. An ice-cold beer may seem very tempting but does tend to dehydrate the body. Particularly if you have 7 pints of ice-cold beer.

Avoid tea. The popular myth that 'Tea is so refreshing on a hot day' is just that - a myth. Tea contains caffeine and also tends to dehydrate the body.

Remove extraneous clothing (within reason).

If the sight of your partner stark naked (see above) gets you all hot and bothered, take a cold shower immediately. This will be far more beneficial than becoming all amorous which will only result in both parties getting even more hot and sweaty.

Someone in my family was lucky enough to receive a Sony PSP over the weekend. The Sony PSP is a fun device. The PSP can play music. The PSP can surf the Internet. The PSP can even view photos and DVDs. The PSP is also pretty good as a games console apparently.

The PSP is attractively styled in black although, bizarrely, my model came with a hideous white strap and incongruous white earphones.

I connected the PSP to my wireless network and to my amazement, it worked first time so I was able to upgrade the PSP software using 'Network Update'.

However, Web browsing is tortuous as entering text is pretty slow but the quality of the display is excellent.

Oh and the lucky person wasn't me.

I am one of those 40-50 year olds who disagree with Stowe Boyd who predicts the death of newspapers in the not too distant future.

I like newspapers. You can take them in the garden. You can take them on the train, bus and plane. Newspapers are ubiquitous, relatively cheap and convenient. Yes I could pay to download selected stories to my mobile device but I've tried that and it simply doesn't work. My eyes aren't good enough to squint at a minuscule screen.

Mind you, Stowe lives in America so, when you consider the quality of printed media ('Cat rescued from tree') being thrown into his driveway, maybe he does have a point after all.

Don't forget to check back in 10 years time to see who was right.

Another criteria for the inverse law of airports. The strange thing is, you are most susceptible and sensitive to a screaming, inconsolable baby when you dont possess any yourself.

However, when you are a (recent) parent, you are too consumed with guilt and embarrassment to even care what other people think.

Or, if you are an (experienced) parent, travelling abroad on business, you tend to side with Frank Skinner, who memorably said:

'Oh she's tired. Bless her'.

'Well actually no she isn't, if she was 'tired', she would be asleep not screaming blue murder'.