Posts in category "UK"

The streets of the fine city of Newcastle were gridlocked on Monday. Locals despaired as their normal 20 minute commute took 3 hours 40 minutes due to a series of unfortunate events.

• A public sector strike (against pensions) closing the Metro and a tunnel under the Tyne.
• An attention-seeking individual pretending he wanted to end his life by jumping off a lofty bridge which meant the closure of the bridge, more traffic chaos and 57 social workers being summoned.
• Another (suspicious) fire in the city.

I owe my eternal gratitude to my taxi driver who meekly suggested that I might like to consider walking 10 minutes (instead of sitting for a further 90 minutes with the meter running) back to my hotel.

Would that happen in London ? Probably not.

Rapidly approaching the point when I will no longer send amusing emails to my Personal email alias but will instead send a permalink to everyone on my Personal email alias.

But then again, I only have two friends.

Two days early. Please, please tell me that this is two days early.

The primary DNS server at Malmaison went down earlier this evening for two hours so I called reception and uttered the following question:

Ou est lInterWeb, sil vous plait ?

The kind lady replied 'Whay ya say, InterWeb down, aye - we know like, Ha'way. Do you want a canny bag o' Tudor as compensation, bonny Lad ?'

Tom Kyte has some favourite quotes so here are some of mine.

Are you still doing what you did 5 years ago ? Yeah ? Well, don't make a career out of it ? (Mark. E. Smith) All over Battersea, some hope and some despair (Morrissey)

As she parts her greying hair, voices on the stair (The Chameleons)

Every twenty minutes on the Appalachian Trail, Katz and I walked further than the average American walks in a week (Bill Bryson)

Doing so will result in obstreperous behavior, usually devoid of any amusement value. (Dynix/ptx manual on the dangers of mixing BSD and ABI socket calls)

Is there really no beginning to your talents ? (Clive Anderson to Jeffrey Archer)

Have you ever thought, just for one moment, that it might be you ? (Alan Shearer to Glen Hoddle after Luxembourg game)

And finally, for all you philosophers out there who managed to get this far

We may seem cold, or
We may even be
The most depressing people you've ever known
At heart, what's left, we sadly know
That we are the last truly British people you'll ever know
(Morrissey)

Only joking. Sorry about that, philosophers. Here you go.

Those who forget the past are condemned to relive it (George Santayana)

I met a lady from Newcastle who is giving two children from Chernobyl a summer holiday in the UK. She told me that two weeks in this country adds two years to their life expectancy.

I am fortunate to find myself staying in a pleasant enough hotel in Newcastle upon Tyne. It is called the Malmaison which is a little pretentious for my liking (for an unpretentious city where people wear T-shirts, white socks and mini-skirts in the depths of winter) but a colleague is also staying here and it does provide a clean bed and a shower which meets all of my simplistic requirements.

My confirmation email seems to confirm my suspicions with the following gems:

May we commend you on your choice of hotel. We're sure you'll find Mal life like no other. Superior service. Choice cuisine. Dazzling drinks.

Fantastic introduction. They are praising me (the customer) for my superb choice in hotels.

They are already promising fantastic cuisine (even though I may choose to eat elsewhere) and 'dazzling' drinks (even though I will undoubtedly choose to drink elsewhere). In any case, I wasn't aware that Newcastle Brown Ale could be described in that way due to legal constraints of the Trade Descriptions Act.

Perfect pampering. Memorable meetings. And of course sleep, with plenty of zeds.

As for 'memorable meetings', I have attended lots and lots of business meetings. In fact, I am not sure that I can actually remember a single one.

Well, there we are. That should be all the bases covered.

Promising use of management consultant speak.

Please note that after 14th Feb, plastic is only fantastic with a PIN!!!

Excellent use of triple exclamation mark.

However, even my rusty 'O' level French is still good enough to tell me that the literal translation of 'Malmaison' is actually 'Bad House' which seems an odd choice of name for a supposedly quality hotel.

Last week, I had to buy a birthday present for somebody. So, quite early last Thursday morning, I found myself in a cavernous Tesco Extra Superstore. You could buy anything there at rock bottom (close to InterWeb) prices: digital cameras, MP3 players, Ipods, Plasma screen TV's, DVD recorders, SmartCars, absolutely anything

I must have looked purposeful and smart as an elderly couple mistook me for a Tesco employee and asked me where they might find bread and milk. I tried to be helpful and directed them to aisle 79 and gave them a pre-printed 'Employee of the Month' form to complete.

I then used the in-store guide to navigate my way to the music section. To my horror, the one item at the top of my shopping list was nowhere to be found. I checked the Top 100 Chart listing. This particular CD was Number 33 in the hit parade. Inevitably, the Number 33 position was the only slot in the miles of CD racks which was completely and utterly empty.

Disaster. Initially I thought about just going elsewhere but then I saw a young lady polishing her nails at the 'Audio - Customer Service' desk. I slowly approached and decided to come clean: 'Good morning. I wonder if you could help me. I really need to buy the 33rd best selling CD inthe UK charts but there are none left on the shelves. Please could you see if you have got any in the stock room out the back (or under the counter) ?'

She paused, turned and looked at the CD chart listing. 'Number 33 - Oh. Do you mean James Blunt - Back To Bedlam ?''

'Well, yes, err, but you must understand, this is a, err, birthday present for a, err, very close friend you see, and certainly not for me'.

'Oh I understand, perfectly, Sir. I will just go and have a look for you now.'

The young assistant smiled and shot me a knowing glance as she departed. As she was gone for what seemed like an eternity, I continued to browse the shelves and, suddenly, on impulse, I decided to buy the Arctic Monkey's CD. This was a risk as I had never heard any music by this band and my all-time favourite music reviewer had not even commented on this band yet.

The shop assistant eventually returned with 'Number 33' in her hand.

'Thank you very much. And I would also like to buy this CD too. Look - this CD is the Arctic Monkeys and I am actually buying this one for myself.' 'Oh I see, Sir. Are you sure this isn't a present for someone else ?'

So I buy the two CD's and shuffle away. Then I consult my shopping list (GTD context='Tesco') and I suddenly realise that I need to buy something else. Mothers' Day is imminent and I also need to buy David Gray's latest CD.

Enough was enough. I simply can't take any more. Time to leave. On my way out, I spotted the elderly couple looking perplexed over in the Garden, Conservatory and Motorized Robotic Lawn Mower section. I simply couldn't face buying the David Gray CD. I couldn't face that girl's smirk again so I just cut my losses and bought 24 contraceptive sheaths as it was much less embarrassing and promptly left the store.

So, sorry, Mum. 24 Durex (Featherlite) may seem like an odd present for Mothers' Day but I hope this article helps to explain why.

I was just quietly unloading the dishwasher this morning, when my 10 year old daughter enters the kitchen and screams:

HES DEAD, DAD, HES DEAD. LOOK DAD. HES DEAD !

Sure enough, Chewy, the 18 month old gerbil had got himself wedged in a Xmas wrapping paper tube. Being slightly narrower than a toilet roll, the poor thing had wedged himself in and was absolutely motionless with his bottom sticking out of one end.

As I have never held the filthy rodent alive let alone dead, I summoned my wife, Norma, from the shower. Well, she is a trained Intensive Care Nurse after all. As Norma went to cut away the cardboard to free Chewy and prepare him for cremation, we suddenly saw frantic motion.

Thank God, against all the odds, the poor creature is still alive:

'HE'S ALIVE DAD, HE'S ALIVE. LOOK, DAD. HE'S ALIVE !'

Unfortunately the little gerbil was so frightened, he started thrashing around uncontrollably like a rodent that had been helplessly trapped for 8 hours unable to see or move.

Consequently Norma inadvertently dropped him into the laundry basket and spontaneously urinated onto my underpants and socks (Chewy that is, not Norma).

This comedy of errors continued as Norma's towel fell away as she desperately tried to grab him and stop him entering the narrow passage by the tumble drier.

In conclusion :-

Never, ever place Xmas wrapping paper tubes into your Hamster/Gerbil cage, thinking 'This will be fun' - it won't.

[This article was originally published in The Grauniad's 'Living' section on 13 November 2002]

On Friday, I was surprised (and honoured) to receive an email from Prince Philip.