Posts in category "UK"

A Channel 4 documentary about 9/11 and the controversial photographs capturing the final seconds of people who jumped to their deaths.

Harrowing and yet compulsive viewing. Not for everyone and the sort of program you might expect a warning about the content (21:00-22:30) which some may find disturbing, upsetting or offensive.

Instead, Channel 4 announce ‘This program contains images and video footage featuring repetitive patterns that may cause problems for people with photosensitive epilepsy’. Bizarre. Truly bizarre.

May the 2,967 innocent people who lost their lives that day rest in peace.

There is a terribly sad story in the UK about clinical trials that have gone (badly) wrong leaving six people critically ill in hospital.

Radio 5 carried an interview with a person who has taken part in previous trials. He was so full of praise for Parexel that I thought he was a stooge.

That was, until, he uttered the unfortunate words

'So, 1,000 GBP for one trial and 750 GBP for the second. For a student, that is a lot of money and can actually be life-changing'

No - not another poem from an angst ridden, lovesick teenager listening to Joy Division and Morrissey.

Two months after Christmas, I finally got around to playing X&Y by Coldplay. As I suspected, this is pure dinner party music but the singles are pleasant enough on the radio when driving.

Chris Martin seems well intentioned but there is something unsettling about his intentionally unkempt hair, his children's names and the plethora of multi-coloured wrist and finger bands he wore at Live 8.

My 'Early Doors' DVD's also sits unopened, pristine in shrink wrap but will get used on the next business trip abroad (now that United's season is over).

At least my main present from Father Christmas, a spiral bound UK road atlas, has made it to the back seat of my car but also lies unopened as yet. The main reason for this was that Pages 38/40 mysteriously disappeared from its predecessor. Not a major problem until you are asked to travel, at short notice, to a client in Aldershot. Page 38 encompasses the Camberley-Fleet-Aldershot Bermuda triangle.

Next year, I really must follow Peter Scott's example and ask for a goat for someone who really needs it.

Buy one of these for 10 GBP. Give to partner as early Valentine present. Jot down following notes as contingency in case navigator happens to be asleep during crucial section around Antwerp ring road.

Folkestone. Eurotunnel to Calais
E40 Ostende
E40 Bruges
E40 Gent
E17 Antwerp
E34 Eindhoven

If you note the time and zero the trip-o-meter, you can even get statistics on your journey.

Had a drink in The Plough in Hemel Hempstead last night.

Conveniently located for the Buncefield Oil Refinery, The Plough offers fine ales and traditional English fare.

Bad news: Guinness was off.

Good news. Bitter and lager looked and tasted just like Guinness

Food: Sausages and mash with black pudding. Gravy was greasy, a little oily in fact.

Good news. A kind, thoughtful, considerate colleague noticed my unattended Palm and placed it in a locked drawer for safe keeping. Unusually, for such a kind, thoughtful and considerate person, he omitted to send me a note telling me.

Bad news. I will be writing my own Christmas cards this year.

The planned filming of the reconstruction next Wednesday, to be broadcast on this month's edition of BBC Crimewatch, has now been cancelled.

Many thanks to all for your messages of support during this testing time.

PS. Sincere apologies to any recipients of those awful poison pen letters.

Last night, I was standing at London Waterloo station, sincerely hoping that the engineer would be able to fix the carriages for my train home.

Suddenly, there was a stampede of people rushing past me. What on earth was happening ? Was this some spontaneous act of flash mobbing ? Had a train arrived unexpectedly at platform 4 for those impatient people from Basingstoke ? Or was there some sort of inaudible terrorist alert mumbled by the station announcer that I had missed ?

The answer transpired to be none of the above.

Krispy Kreme Doughnuts were giving out free samples to promote the opening of a new outlet.

A gentlemen in a suit gleefully came away clutching not one but two large (pizza style) boxes. He also had a can of Stella Artois poking out of his pocket. Bizarre.

Yesterday, I had a credit card transaction rejected which is always a little embarrassing. Thankfully, this was over the phone and not in a shop where embarrassed people would quickly avert their gaze, thinking Poor man, hes probably lost his job. Just look at his clothes.

Normally, such rejections happen because the card number or expiry date was incorrectly transcribed and are quickly resolved - 'No I said 6079 at the end'.

However, this wasn't the case on this occasion, so I called the credit card company to check my card hadn't been skimmed and someone was blowing my outrageously high credit limit (that I never asked for or wanted but was given to me by the credit card company, funnily enough) on holidays, fast cars, gambling, online retailers, weekend breaks in Prague and expensive gadgets.

Firstly, we have to dance the security dance where I am asked to confirm my full name, address, postcode, date of birth, my mother's maiden name, the names of all my tropical fish, favourite United player and my best album of all time.

Then I am asked for the fourth and seventh letters of my password 'without divulging the complete password'. For some reason, I find this incredibly difficult. I can type the password in seconds but, to satisfy this request, I always have to write the password out on paper and slowly identify the requested characters (or digits). Then I have to eat the paper which means I am unable to speak properly for 90 seconds.

So, let the straightforward enquiry begin. Hang on - wait a minute. The agent is sensing a cross-sell opportunity.

'Are you interested in transferring your balance to us, interest free for 6 months ?'

'No thanks. I only have one credit card'.

A schoolboy error. The agent has a scripted 'retort' ready for this very weak 'objection'.

'But the 6 months, interest free transfer needn't be from another credit card. You can transfer your ABC balance to your current account, interest free for 6 months'

'No. Thanks. I don't have a current account with ABC. Now about this rejected trans-'

Another fatal error. Again, I have said too much and the agent has another 'retort' ready.

'The current account doesn't have to held with ABC. Any bank account will do'

'No thanks. I do not want to use the 6 months interest free transfer offer for any credit card for any bank account now or at any time in the future.'

Finally. But wait. The agent (script) has something else to add.

'Is is all right to call you Norman today ?'

'Yes.'

Next time, I swear I will reply 'No. I really would prefer it if you called me Janet.'

And so, finally, to the rejected transaction. It transpires that a sophisticated, pattern matching computer program using the latest AI techniques detected that this transaction (Flowers for the wife) contravened the normal pattern of usage (No flowers for the wife. Ever.) and flagged it up as potentially suspect.

Alternatively, "Computer says 'No'."

The credit card company immediately tried to contact me on the phone to verify the validity of the transaction. However, as they were unable to reach me on the phone, they rejected the authorisation and placed a complete block on the credit card. I explained that I was probably on the phone at that time to the merchant desperately trying to explain why the transaction had been rejected.

So, everything was finally resolved, and the agent kindly unblocked the card, I thanked them for their vigilance in the ongoing fight against crime and everything was back to normal.

Well, almost everything. When I got home at night, I received a deeply disturbing telephone phone call from an AI automaton who announced

'This is a call from ABC credit cards about a transaction on your account today (normal female voice). MR NORMAN BRIGHTSIDE (abnormal, very scary, synthesized male robotic voice).

So, I duly input my date of birth in the wrong format twice and then get told off by a robot.

'Sorry - that is incorrect. Please call customer services for assistance'.

Amazing news - whales have feelings and can understand humans.

How a wave of human compassion will have comforted the whale in his final hours

'He'd have known we're trying to help but it couldn't save him'

But what was really amusing about the bottlenose whale stranded in the River Thames story was that a friend recently returned from a holiday in Canada where he went whale watching. He was unlucky and saw absolutely nothing apart in a whole day apart from the bobbing waves. He then returns home to London to find one sitting on his doorstep.

This morning at some unearthly hour, I found myself standing once again in the queue to clear security at Heathrow Terminal 4. I was almost at the X-ray machine when a member of staff approached me and invited me to volunteer for a full body scan.

He took me behind some screens and for one moment I feared the BAA queue monitors were going to exact their terrible revenge for my outspoken criticisms last week. However, he explained that the body scanner would take three scans of my body, each of which would pass a small amount of radiation through my body.

He added that people are exposed to such radiation when flying above 30,000 feet and the body scan would be equivalent to flying at this height for just 2 minutes.

This was supposed to reassure me but only planted the question in my mind: 'Is it dangerous to fly non-stop 24 hours from London to Australia ?'

He then offered me the option to decline but said the alternative would be a 'full body search by hand over there' (pointing to an open area).

Obviously I agreed so I then had to stand at two oblique angles with my hands up and felt like a complete idiot from the hilarious TV program 'You've Been Framed' although, thankfully, I was hidden from the view of curious members of the public behind the partitions.

He then gave me the all-clear to proceed and informed me that I had the body of a 65 year old (which was a little depressing as I am only 42) and was pregnant with triplets but I did manage to jump 4 places in the queue as a reward.