Posts in category "football"

Or as New Order once sang In a lonely place.

Much has been made of Rafa Benitezs so-called rant against Alex Ferguson. Of course, Benitez is correct for the most part but the most amusing part was when he pulled out a sheet of A4 with the charge sheet.

Benitez is pretty new to this game and he would have been better advised to speak out after Liverpool had won 4-0 extending their lead and avoiding the use of the phrase 'mind games' - particularly when he's not getting involved in them. Supposedly.

Instead, look at Liverpool's performance and result at the weekend (stuttering 0-0 draw at Stoke) and compare and contrast with United's performance (convincing 3-0 win over Chelsea). Now who looks an idiot ?

Of course, Alex Ferguson's just as bad - he is similarly obsessive and keeps his own little black books. When asked for his reaction to Benitez's press conference, he also rose to the bait, claiming Benitez was 'disturbed' and you had to ignore the 'venom'.

How much better would a simple reply of 'You know what - I poured out another glass of red wine, sat back and just smiled' ?

Anyway, to yesterday's game and Jamie Carragher. He looked decidedly uncomfortable being asked about United's best performance of the season and he looked distinctly uneasy when asked about Benitez's quotes but what do you expect ?

Would Gary Neville have taken money to go to Anfield to be a pundit on a crucial Liverpool game and run the risk of having to awkwardly praise his hated rivals ? I sincerely doubt it.

Anyway, the most telling remark was when Liverpool's vice-captain was asked: 'So you think Liverpool will be involved in the final weeks to decide the Championship ?'

A easy, weak, typically banal question to close the show. Jamie Carragher just needed to say 'Yeah - we are top. We are playing well. We have the points on the board. Games in hand don't always mean points. We have already beaten United and Chelsea and they all have to catch us.'

But he didn't. He said:

'Yes. Hopefully.'

Will this prove to be Carragher''s Gallas moment ?

Although I will always associate Paul Ince with the phrase big time Charlie, I do think the Blackburn manager talks a lot of sense.

In particular, I think he was correct in his assessment of Celtic's display at Old Trafford on Wednesday night in the Champions League. Apart from a few early promising moments, I think the gulf between the two sides was embarrassing.

In fact, when I first tuned in to watch the game, initially I thought I had got the dates mixed up and I was watching United playing Norwich City in the Carling Cup.

From the desk of Mr. Ashley. Good day. Private message to you.

I know you dont mind me contacting you by this means since we have not met before this time. My name is Lord King Glorious Michael Haway the Lads' Ashley.

Recently, my Uncle's (Sir Robert Robson of Gateshead) will was read and to our joy and relief, he has kept the sum of $8 milion USD in trust for the upkeep of the beloved Newcastle Footballing Club.

With divine intervention, we have already secured the assistance of the Cockney Mafia and I humbly seek your financial aid to restore Newcastle Barcodes FC to their rightful place (in the Championship).

However, you must act fast to take advantage of this opportunity. In the last week, we have already hired a leading, proven, experienced, respected manager to lead the team. His name is Joseph ('Kinnell') Kinnear and he has already made great strides in making friends with the local news media in order to obtain additional funding.

Newcastle Footballing Club already has some world class international footballing stars who are household names (in Geordie households) - England centre-forward Saint Michael Owen of Chester, Clown Prince Danny Guthrie and undoubtedly you will have a poster of your countryman, Shola Amoeba, on your bedroom wall.

Newcastle Racing Club Santander are a massive football club - in fact, every single English person who lives in Newcastle will tell you that Nudecastle are a sleeping giant. Newcastle play in a superb stadium - St Jimmy Five Bellies Park - which has an unbelievable capacity of 55,000 people. Once, back in 1996, when we were chasing the Premiership title, under the majestic leadership of the Messiah King Kevin of Scunthorpe, we even managed to fill it for the visit of Manchester United.

Please wire $24.6 million dollars immediately into account 7649820 - sort code 23-65-91 and we will proceed with Phase 2. This will require the appointment of a fifth interim manager - the self-appointed Royal Holiness Alan Shearer of Durham - to lift the club from the relegation places and a subsequent under the counter payment to hire the chosen one - a man appointed by God and equipped to save Newcastle - his name is the Special One and will be joining us in June 2009 once the Cockney Mafia has completed dealings with their Italian counterparts.

This will be a joint venture arrangement that will demand the utmost trust and sincerity which you will benefit immensely from this project, as I will rely on you for it's success. Please do indicate your willingness to assist me through my email 'nonalcoholicpintinsixseconds@hotmail.com'

Thanks once again for your kindness may God guide and reward you in all your endeavours as you make me realise my last dreams and wishes.

May you be blessed - Michael J. Ashley.

Thursday 15 May - Manchester, near England

107,239 hungover Rangers supporters (and an exiled Scotsman who drove up from Coventry) firmly blamed Great Manchester Police for last nights scenes of fighting, violent disorder and urinating in the street.

One fan, Jimmy 'Och Aye Jimmy' McTavish from Glasgow, claimed:

'Everyone was having a great time in Piccadilly Gardens, sunbathing, drinking and joking around with the police.

At 19:35, everyone went to the toilet, big Gordon put the kettle on, Doug popped out for popcorn and we all sat down to enjoy Rangers' biggest game in 36 years on the big screen.

Then, without any warning, the police switched channels to 'Coronation Street'. That's when it all kicked off.'

I have to say I am a little surprised at this breaking news. Still, I guess Eriksson will draw another excessive compensation package while he seeks alternative employment.

In my view, buying all those expensive foreigners, beating United twice and finishing mid-table was a creditable first season.

Mind you, I always had niggling reservations about Mr. Shinawatra.

So, who's next for the job at Manchester City - Jose Mourinho ?

Ashamed of MUFCs last two games (Barcelona, Chelski) - no goals, no threat, no attack, no desire, no ambition, frightened, defensive, arrogant, complacent, stuttering.

Complete shite.

We were the best team. People say over a season you finish where you deserve to, but we didnt deserve to finish behind Manchester United. We were everyones second team.

Terry McDermott on Newcastle's near miss in 1996.

Just a reminder of the final League positions for the 1995-1996 season.

London, near England - 28 February 2008

Arsenal Football Club were left reeling following another hammer blow to their chances of winning the Premiership. Last night, the French international defender and club captain, William Gallas was sectioned under the mental health act. A spokesman commented: 'This is an unusual step but the action was necessary for the safety of the individual and those around him.'

Investigations revealed that William Gallas' mental fragility was long standing and deep rooted. Our intrepid reporter tracked down his parents in Asnières-sur-Seine:

'Mais oui, Willy would often scream and thrash around on the floor if his elder sister played with his favourite blue train engine.'

'But that's not unusual behaviour for a toddler.'

'Certainment mais Willy was 23 years old at the time.'

Gerard Houlier of Olympic Marseille also remembers Gallas' fiery temperament: 'He once head butted the head coach for berating him for a single, misplaced pass in training.'

Jose Mourinho also endured a volatile relationship with Gallas: 'He disliked playing at left-back. We often had to make him sit in the 'naughty corner' until he relented. Gallas never really forgave me for giving away his beloved number 13 shirt to Michael Ballack. This was a punishment for turning up late for pre-season training. The last straw came when he threatened to score an own goal or concede a penalty in a crucial game against Manchester City. The guy is mentally unstable and we feared no-one on their right minds would buy him.'

Fortunately for Chelsea, fellow Frenchman Arsene Wenger miraculously 'had not seen' any of these previous incidents and paid £5 million plus Ashley Cole to secure Gallas' services.

Initially, things went reasonably well for Gallas who thrived on the Arsenal captaincy and quickly established himself as a favourite with Arsenal fans at The Emirates.

Sadly, the wheels started to come off for William Gallas in February 2008. Back at Old Trafford, the scene of the 'death of the immortal 49'ers', Gallas endured a torrid afternoon in a 4-0 FA cup defeat and was tormented for 90 minutes by Wayne Rooney.

Gallas lost control after Nani taunted Arsenal by indulging in a quick demonstration of ball juggling skills. This showboating was brought to a premature end by a swift and full blooded tackle from Flamini and later, by a viscous reprisal, from Gallas himself.

A week later, Gallas was tipped over the edge by a combination of unfortunate events at St Andrews. Following Eduardo's horrific injury, missing a chance to seal a crucial win 3-1 over Birmingham, then being denied a penalty, Gallas finally lost control and his sanity by another controversial refereeing decision when a injury time penalty allowed Birmingham to secure a 2-2 draw and deny Arsenal two vital points.

Gallas, the club captain, left his position and sat down distraught in the opposition half. Psychologists think this may be a cry for help and a regression to the 'naughty corner' punishment. When James McFadden converted the penalty, Gallas launched an unprovoked attack on an advertising hoarding, obstinately remained on the pitch and had to be lured back to the dressing room by Wenger, Pat Rice and two men in white coats.

Gallas' late night arrival at the mental institution triggered the departure of another high profile football star with well publicised problems. Paul Gascoigne, 40 of Gateshead, immediately discharged himself after a brief chat with Gallas: 'God I thought I had problems. I realise I am battling the demons in my head and trying to overcome long standing addictions to drugs, alcohol and false breasts but compared to Willy, I just feel like a fraud even being in here. Let me out now but please, just don't tell him I've nicked his blue Thomas the Tank engine.'

Every club knows they will have an equal chance of being treated unfairly.

Quote from Richard Scudamore (Chief Executive Premier League)

The proposal is for an additional competitive Premier League fixture to be played around the world. Although the top 5 clubs will be seeded, this still allows for the possibility of United drawing Derby at home (in Beijing) while Arsenal visit Liverpool (in Los Angeles).

Last night, I took Norman Junior III to visit the new, improved Wembley stadium last night to see England play Switzerland in a friendly.

After paying homage to Sherlock Holmes, we changed at a packed Baker Street for the fast Metropolitan line to Wembley Park. We stood on the platform as one train departed and I was just contemplating whether we should 'go for it' when the next train arrived or step aside and wait for the next one.

A well dressed lady was complaining to a London Transport official: 'Listen - I've been here for 25 minutes and I just can't get on any train.' 'Well I'm awfully sorry madam but we currently have 90,000 football fans going to Wembley.' 'I can see that but I do need to get home. It's an absolute disgrace. What about all the ordinary people ?'

Thankfully, my dithering indecision was abruptly removed by the late arrival of some shaven headed Ing-er-land fans who charged up the steps, ran towards the closing doors and whisked us both up and onto the underground train into a packed carriage. Well, to be fair it was positively spacious compared with the Waterloo & City line on a weekday morning.

Three Swiss lads were then subjected to a deep probing English inquisition from curious Ing-er-land fans.

'Hey mate, what language do you speak then ?' 'In Switzerland, we speak Swiss-German.'

'Hey mate, what's the capital of Switzerland then ?' 'Zurich'

A brief lull and respite for the Swiss visitors before a final burst of alcohol fuelled inspiration:

'Hey mate, can you sort a bank account out for me ?'

Cue uproarious laughter all round - well from those passengers who were able to move their rib cages.

Walked down Wembley Way watching day trippers taking photos and entered the stadium. Wondered what qualifications are needed to be an 'Escalator Steward' and took our seats high up in the South stand with an excellent view.

Much to my surprise, the minute's silence for Munich was observed by the vast majority of supporters.

England appeared in yet another away kit (available from all good sports outfitters in March). The decision to play in the away strip for a home fixture was puzzling but it transpired that Capello ordered this after hearing that Ashley Cole 'preferred playing away'.

At least, we were both cheering a team in Red with Rooney, Ferdinand and Brown (or rather Wes Orange). The game got underway, Brown endured a nightmare opening 45 minutes and Matthew Upson is undoubtedly the most one-footed player ever to don an England shirt.

Switzerland were neat and tidy and comfortable on the ball without really threatening the goal.

England were playing 4-1-4-1 and looked nervous. For the first 40 minutes I don't think I have seen so many sideways and backwards passes since Ray Wilkins played for United.

While I didn't hear any booing, there was the occasional Beckham chant and increasing unrest in the unpadded seats as half-time approached.

Suddenly, unexpectedly, something happened - Joe Cole remembered he was an attacker, took a defender on and Jermaine Jenas gratefully scored the first goal under Fabio Capello's regime.

After an overpriced drink, we were staggered to head the announcer proclaim 'Please welcome the teams back for the second half - Here they are, protecting their 1-0 lead - England !' The Italian influence already seems to be pervasive.

The second half improved markedly until the Swiss had the temerity to score with a well taken goal. The Swiss contingent rang their cow-bells and chanted 'La Suisse'. Ing-er-land fans responded with 'We know you speak Swiss-German and Zurich is your capital city.'

The hard working England captain, Stevie Gerrrraaaarrrrd, got to the dead ball line and crossed for substitute Sean Wright-Phillips for another tap-in.

Peter Crouch came on, Cashley Cole went off to a solitary shout of 'Where's your Cheryl gone ?' and Wayne Rooney dropped a little deeper. In fact, he was so deep he was playing at left back, conceding corners and passing balls down the line to Wayne Bridge.

England continued to press for another goal and an otherwise impressive David James made his inevitable token error, flapping at a high cross.

Die hard, loyal fans who apparently are 'Ing-er-land till I die' decided to avoid the queues at Wembley Park and streamed out of the stadium. When the full-time whistle blew, the stadium was half-full. Part time supporters.

The game ended 2-1 for England. The remaining Ing-er-land fans were happy and we started the long journey home via Wembley Central herded together like cattle on the station approach with a £6 program for company.