Posts in category "football"

The British media may have given the impression in recent weeks that we considered the German national tootball team to be a rather workmanlike, efficient, collection of young talent coupled with experienced internationals but lacking in imagination and devoid of much creative talent.

Some less respected elements of the British media may have given the impression that England's recent, comprehensive 4–1 defeat by Germany was somehow a freak result that was purely the result of a refereeing error that denied England an equaliser.

However, after Germany's dismantling of Argentina and yet another comprehensive 4–0 thrashing of Diego Maradona's team packed full of world class striking talent, we are pleased to correct our previous error and apologise for any offence caused.

We now acknowledge that Germany are the best footballing nation in the World, rivalling the wonderful Brazil size of 1970.

We would like to issue a heartfelt apology to Bastian Schweinsteiger for all those silly jokes we made about the translation of his name (‘Pig Porker').

We would like to retract fully the ‘Typical Germans' comment made by a certain Sir Alex Ferguson of Stretford, near Manchester after Bayern Munich had eliminated Manchester United from the Champions League.

We would also like to offer a fulsome 100% apology to Miroslav Klose who has now equalled the number of goals scored in World Cup tournaments by Gerd Muller. We withdraw fully the thinly veiled, insane accusation that Emile Heskey would somehow produce more goals during this tournament.

We also would like to clarify the endless piss taking about the oh so stylish blue polo neck shirts sported by the German manager, Joachim Low. The blue polo neck sweater is a stylish fashion statement and reflects the smart, modern but casual manner of the way Germany plays the beautiful game. Contrast this with Fabio Capello's featureless, dour, stiff grey suit.

Die deutsche Fußballnationalmannschaft - World Cup semi-finalists yet again. We salute you !

But we still hate Michael Ballack.

Tuesday 1 June

Mr. Capello announces the final squad of 23 players for the World Cup. There was the odd surprise and some devastated players as we say a tearful farewell to Huddza, Johnno, the Scott-Meister, Les (Dawson), Dazza The Bender, Walcottza and the quiet one (I think his name was Leighton Baines).

Saturday 5 June

Rio and Heskey have a argument over Wii Tennis that carries over into a training match. After winning a defensive header, Rio tells Heskey 'Dunno why you're still here. I've scored more international goals than you.' Heskey retaliates by sliding in by the corner flag and sitting on Rio's left knee.

Sunday 6 June

Rio has done medial ligaments and Mr. Capello is very cross. He had put his name down for the Wii Tennis tournament and no-one told him when he was on. Mr. Baldini reads the riot act and Rio goes to hospital.

Mr. Ferguson rings me and is screaming so loud I have to hold the receiver away from my sunburnt ear. He wants me to get Emile Heskey to sit on me so I can miss the World Cup and get sent home to Manchester.

Monday 7 June

Crisis meeting mainly for the defenders but we all have to go which is a shame as I was beating Joe Hart 79-71 in a Noughts and Crosses marathon session in the hotel lobby.

A young fair haired lad called Dawson turns up. No-one really knows who is he or why he's here. I think he might be an undercover reporter or Joe Cole's agent. Anyway, Mr. Baldini says he is replacing Rio in the Wii Tennis tournament.

Mr. Capello wants to sort out the communication between the back four and the rest of the team. Rio used to call me 'Wazza', JT 'Tezza', Stevie G 'Gezza' etc so it was all quite easy. However, the young fair haired lad can't learn all these nicknames in time. Mr. Capello wants us to use 'Senor Rooney' but this takes too long. Baldini suggests shortening this to 'Rooney' which wins 20-5 in a vote.

After 37 minutes, plunged in silent, deep thought, Sean Wright-Phillips says something: "What about Joe Cole and Ashley Cole ? They will now both be called 'Cole'."

Mr. Capello is annoyed at this interruption as dinner is nearly ready and he asked for his favourite - Spaghetti Hoops - tonight so he quickly ends the discussion: 'Right - Ashley will be '55 grand' and Senor Cole will be 'Cole'.

Gareth Barry says that 'Cole' sounds a little but like 'Goal' but Mr. Baldini says that won't be a problem.

Tuesday 8 June

Papers giving me a lot of stick for reckless challenges, getting booked and telling a referee to 'Feck Off' in a friendly against John Terry's All Gold Platinum All Stars. I am summoned to a meeting with Mr. Capello and the new captain Steve Gerrard. David Beckham is also present - his main role was to coach Theo - but now he just has to check no-one is wearing flip-flops and keep Rio's spirits up.

Have a chat with Steve Gerrard and Jamie Carragher by the pool. They are a little hard to understand (even for me) but they are in high spirits. Steve reckons we can go all the way and win it this time. He keeps saying 'Listen, eh - la. Good things come in threes. Rio's injury gave me the captaincy. Rafa was sacked by Liverpool so this must mean we are going to win it and Stevie Me will lift the World Cup, instantly treble my value and get my dream move to Chelsea, sorry Real Madrid.

This years Carling Cup Final between Aston Villa and Manchester United will take place at Wembley on Sunday 28th February 2010.Curiously, this date marks the exact 34th anniversary, to the very day, of Manchester Citys last trophy.

After United defeated Millwall 3-0 in the 2004 FA Cup Final, all the United players changed into shirts numbered '36' in a tribute to the young player, Jimmy Davis, who had recently died in a car accident.

Today I have written to the club to see whether United could do something similar to mark the anniversary of Dennis Tueart's spectacular overhead kick that beat Newcastle in the 1976 League Cup Final. My proposal is for United to sport shirts sporting a MASSIVE '34' while Dennis Tueart could be the club mascot for the day, wearing a pale blue and white retro scarf.

When we go to Old Trafford, we will take that banner down. This is the last year it will be displayed because we will win.

Roberto Mancini - 6 January 2010

This football club will be without doubt the biggest and best in the world. People dont like to hear it but Ill make no excuses for saying it, and I will never stop saying it because I truly believe it with the resources and capabilities that we have - and when, not if, we're at Wembley having beaten Man United yet again !'

Gary Cook - Mad Hatter Saloon, New York, 22 January 2010.

34 years.

The first (and probably the last) in a very occasional series.

Channel 5. Thursday night.

Arsenal fans taunting Liverpool on their unwanted appearance in the Europa Cup.

Im not a big fan of American soccer. Neither am I a great fan of womens football wherever it is played. Elizabeth Lambert has just changed that state of affairs.

The rumour mill back home claims that Alex Ferguson is planning an audacious £34 million bid in January to replace Vidic.

Not in my lifetime.

I believe Michael Shields is guilty of attempted murder by dropping a paving slab on a Bulgarian waiters head, putting him in a coma for 4 days.

I find it worrying and bizarre that Jack Straw sees fit to grant Michael Shields a 'Royal Pardon' in the light of an 'oral confession' made by another individual when Shields' parents just happened to pay him a visit.

Particularly, when Jack Straw was fully aware of this information when Shields returned to serve out the rest of his sentence in England back in 2006 and rejected an appeal as recently at 2 July 2009.

I believe that the Bulgarian authorities correctly discounted the written confession of Graham Sankey, made way back in July 2005 from the safety of England, on the condition that he didn't stand trial.

Michael Shields was involved in football related violence. He should be serving 15 years in jail for a vicious, unprovoked attack. He should not be feted in the press as a gallant returning war hero. He should not be allowed to attend another football match and should be the subject of a banning order that prevents him from travelling abroad.

But he won't. Michael Shields will be leading the team out at Liverpool's next home fixture and leading the singing of 'You'll never walk alone.'

I don't know how the friends and family of Martin Georgiev feel but I feel sick to my stomach and ashamed to be British.

UEFAs decision to ban Arsenals Eduardo for two matches after diving in a Champions League qualifier creates a precedent, a very dangerous precedent. This may well result in revisionism, the rewriting of football history and airbrushing Ashley Cole out of the 2003 Shoot Soccer Annual.

I forecast the following events which will have unexpected and dire repercussions for the game:

• Mexico 1986. Maradona's infamous 'Hand of God' goal is ruled out and England win the World Cup. The finest football anthem ever, Baddiel and Skinner's 'Three Lions' never gets written; 'Ten years of hurt' just doesn't scan.
• The award of Wayne Rooney's penalty that halted Arsenal's unbeaten run is declared 'unsafe'. Arsenal's 'Invincibles' subsequently extend their unbeaten run by a further 20 matches. Fanzine writers universally rejoice at 'The Immortal 69'ers'.
• Chelsea, Arsenal and Liverpool mount a joint appeal against Cristiano Ronaldo. UEFA reduce his tally of 84 goals in 196 Premiership appearances to just 3 goals in 27 starts for 'simulation, posturing and ball hogging.' UEFA conduct a detailed simulation of their own using Championship Manager on networked PS3's. United are relegated and jostle for top spot with Leeds in Division One
• Richard Dunne of Manchester City receives a lifetime ban for attempting to 'deceive a referee' by impersonating a Premiership footballer. Questions are also raised in betting circles at his general ineptitude yet contrasting displays of brilliant, solid defending in every single Manchester derby.
• Gerard Houlier is sectioned under the mental Health Act before he utters the immortal words 'Ten games from greatness'. He watches 'Pink Panther' incessantly and practises violent martial arts with William Gallas every Thursday. Later appears in a cameo in 'Kill Bill Vol. 2'. Currently in rehab and guesting on 'Soccer Saturday' alongside Phil Thompson.