Newly appointed Manchester City manager, Sven Goran Eriksson stunned the football world today by opening the transfer kitty and swooping within hours of his appointment, to announce two high profile signings from two major Premiership rivals.
The new arrivals are a combative 24 year old midfielder and an experienced, classy central defender
Seven weeks ago on this blog, I predicted that Manchester City would appoint a foreign manager.
'However, I have a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that, in seven weeks, Manchester City Football Club are going to appoint a foreign manager.'
I also suggested the name of 'Sven Goran Eriksson' as the most likely candidate to be appointed.
Now, seven weeks ago, you could get decent odds from your local bookie on Eriksson being appointed: 100-1 in fact.
So, I put my money where my mouth was even though I don't follow Citeh and decided to risk £10 on a long shot.
However, if you, dear reader, shared my convictions and also followed my sage advice, please do not waver now. Please do not be weak.
Now is the time to seize the moment. Now is the time to significantly increase your original investment of £10. Now is the time to be rich beyond your wildest dreams.
Bet the £1,000 proceeds (all of it) on this accumulator
In just two years, you will be 125,000,000,000 pounds richer.
Tell William Hill, I sent you.
Moss Side, near Manchester, England - Friday 22 June 2007
The hopes and dreams of the loyal and long suffering supporters of the popular football club, Manchester City, were cruelly shattered last night when the former Thai Prime Minister, Thaksin Shinawatra suddenly withdrew from takeover negotiations and and unexpectedly deposited his £81 million from a brown paper bag into an unnamed Swiss bank account.
In an exclusive interview, Mr. Shinywart explained:
'I feel so stupid but I was conned and lied to. I thought Manchester City was a proper, massive Premiership football club. One that would sell lots of shirts in Thailand. However, when I recently visited Madchester to see John Wardle, I specifically asked to meet with my two favourite players, Silvia Distin and Josephine Barton.'
'I think Distin is a superb defender and influential captain. I intended to build a brand new team around him - a team capable of restoring Citeh to their rightful place, a team capable of avoiding relegation every season.'
'I am also a massive fan of Miss. Barton because I am looking for a new bodyguard with a warped mind, delusions of grandeur and a propensity for violence.'
'I met Mr. Waddle in a dingy Working Men's Club in a pleasant village called Hulme and was staggered to learn that both Sylvia and Josephine had both recently been sold. When I demanded an explanation, Mr. Wardle said it was to raise money as compensation for an ex-employee called Mr. Pearce Steward.'
'I asked if we could use the money from Distin's sale to buy a world class, international striker, guaranteed to remain injury free and score 20 goals a season. Or failing that, Michael Owen. Mr. Wardell then went a strange colour and mumbled that Distin had left on a free transfer to reduce the massive wage bill.'
'I was now very angry and demanded to be introduced to the manager. Mr. Wardle looked a little sheepish and said they had decided to sack him because he kept telling the truth and, in any case, he thought I was going to bribe a Swedish adulterer with hard core porn videos to lead us into a new trophy laden era.'
'After a silent lunch (Thai Green Curry with chips and gravy), we then caught the 34 bus to the modern, valuable stadium. I was really looking forward to this because I intended to sell it and share a ground with Glazer's successful team who play in Red. Then, I discovered that Manchester City don't even own this asset. Instead, they play their home games in a property rented from the local council.'
'Enough is enough. I was now very close to withdrawing my offer. I gave Mr. Woddle one last chance to salvage the deal. I asked him for a video of all of the highlights and exciting goals from last season. Mr. Wardell mumbled: 'Even with highlights, reserve games, the Xmas party and all the cup competitions, we still didn't have enough footage to make a DVD. However, we do have a 37 second clip on YouTube featuring all the goals from our home fixtures.'
'So that was that. The deal is off. If I am convicted on charges of corruption, bribery and fraud and have to spend 15 years in a Thai prison, it will be a narrow escape compared with being the owner of Manchester City.'
John Wardle was bitterly disappointed at this breakdown in negotiations and issued a brief statement:
'Well, he started it. He invited me to Thailand where I bought this £4,000 Gold Rolex for 15 quid on a street market. The bloody thing is always 12 minutes slow so I keep missing kick-off and vital business appointments.'
'Mr. Skinnywater is a opportunistic fraudster who knows absolutely nothing about football. I say this because he claims we need to buy two strikers, two midfielders and a goal-keeper. So, clearly, the man thinks English teams only have five players. What an complete idiot !'
'And another thing, when I was in Bangkok, I decided to sample the nighttime delights of Patpong where I enjoyed a drink with a delightful hostess. She was stunning. I truly loved that girl. I was going to bring her home to Moss Side and marry her until she revealed a deep voice, a preference for the rear entrance, hairy armpits and a 10" sex aid strapped around her waist. At least, (s)he claimed it was a sex aid. I can only thank God I followed Thaksin's advice and decided to pull out at the last minute.'
31 years.
I always had a lot of time for the outgoing Manchester City manager, Stuart Pearce. Well his press conferences and musical tastes, anyway.
However, I have a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that, in seven weeks, Manchester City Football Club are going to appoint a foreign manager.
This appointment will come after the City board initially go after 'big Sam Allardyce' and offer to rename him 'MASSIVE'. City are shocked to be rejected by Allardyce who has already signed up at Newcastle and is merely arguing over additional ex-gratia payments in brown bags to be exchanged at Washington services on the A1.
Unabashed, the chairman glibly assumes that timing of Paul Jewell's resignation at Wigan is more then coincidental and quickly arranges a meeting. Paul Jewell tells him: 'Look - I am at the end of my tether. The relegation battle left me a broken man. My doctor says I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I have been advised to take a 2 year break from football. I would have to be completely mad to take over at City'. 'Oh so I take it that's a 'No' then, is it ?'
The City board of directors then appoint Francis Lee to lead the increasingly urgent hunt for Pearce's successor. His first effort is rebuffed by a City old boy - Steve Coppell. 'Err - I only lasted 6 matches in 1996 for 'personal reasons' and, in any case, I'm working for a big club now.'
In desperation, the vice-chairman suggests a radical strategy - appointing the untried Joey Barton as player manager to instil some much needed 'fighting spirit' in the team. This is opposed vehemently by City fans who conclusively vote 23-6 against in a poll conducted in the Manchester Evening News.
An emergency board meeting is convened to discuss with just two items on the agenda:
Henry Spencers unforgettable ‘10 Commandments for C Programmers
Once more, with feeling just for West Ham.
'He plays on the left, he plays on the right...'
MUFC > England.
The Guardians Rob Smyth has a fascinating article where he eats humble pie and ranks Manchester Uniteds nine Premiership titles.
Curiously enough, I have also given this matter a lot of thought over the weekend. I place this title second after Alex Ferguson's very first Premiership victory back in 1992-1993. Not because that team was better (it wasn't) but because of all the history, the expectation, the broken dreams, the false dawns in preceding 26 years and the satisfaction of lifting the title and finally knocking Liverpool off their perch.
However, I was living in hope rather than expectation for this campaign. Chelsea had won the title (easily) for the past two seasons and strengthened further with the summer acquisitions of Ballack and Shevchencko.
United had significantly paid over the odds for Michael Carrick. I questioned the wisdom of offloading Ruud van Nistlerooy and feared Paul Scholes' best days were behind him. I was convinced Ole's next goal would be in his testimonial and doubted Ferguson's assessment of Patrice Evra ability who I considered no better than Silvestre.
United had a fair share of luck in this campaign; Ferguson's squad remained injury free for the majority of the season, the goalkeeping error and Neville own goal at Everton, Vassell's missed penalty. The list goes on.
However, United did play some fantastic football this season (Fulham on the opening day, Roma, Bolton away) and Cristiano Ronaldo's first-half display against Bolton was absolutely superb. Playing and winning the United way.
Ferguson's luck deserted him towards the end of the season with injuries to a watertight defence coupled with Van der Saar's shattered nose (and confidence). The gulf between the sides in the two legged semi-final against AC Milan was embarrassing.
If Chelsea had won the title three years in a row, I think the gulf between them and the rest would have widened still further and been even harder to bridge. It's tempting to think Chelsea were decimated by injuries mid-season but they actually lost fewer games (3) than United and have an incredibly strong squad.
The various points totals from each campaign make interesting reading. United already have 88 points with two games left which is the third highest total (behind 92 points in 93-94 and 91 in 99-00). I think it illustrates how high Chelsea have raised the standards required to win the Premiership and what a fantastic achievement winning it really is.
Up The Reds !
Dear Paul
You are 32 years old and a fantastic footballer. You are still producing moments of breathtaking brilliance (lobbed pass for Rooney versus AC Milan).
You are one of my favourite players at Manchester United. However, let's face it. You can not tackle to save your life. If you get booked and United beat AC Milan tonight, you will miss your second European Cup Final.
This would be hard for me to take so God knows how you would feel. Remember how it felt to walk around the Nou Camp in 1999 with Roy Keane in those grey suits.
If you make two tackles, you are likely to get booked. If you make four tackles, you are certain to get booked.
So please, please have a word with Alex Ferguson and get Michael Carrick to concentrate on winning the ball and just pass it to you.
Yours faithfully
Norman Brightside (no relation)
Apologies for the delayed transmission but the events of last Saturday left me traumatised and deeply shocked.
You might find it hard to believe that a once great club has been relegated to Division 2.
You might even shed a tear for the diminutive, chirpy, cheeky Cockney who manages this football club.
You might hope and pray that this sleeping giant makes a rapid return to the heady heights of, err, the Championship.
You might remember the halcyon days of the 70's when they were undoubtedly the top club in the country.
You might feel sorry for the Chairman (aka Grandad Smurf) who ploughed thousands of pounds out of his own money into the club in a futile attempt to stem the tide.
You might empathise with their massive, dedicated, loyal, law abiding, long suffering 'supporters' and think 'Oh dear what a shame'.
You might remember the heady days just six years ago when they 'lived the dream' and actually reached a European Cup Semi Final.
You might wonder how this has happened just 12 months after the club were 90 minutes away from a return to the Premiership but narrowly lost out to the mighty, err, Watford.
You might but I don't. Good riddance to Leeds United.
In recent weeks, this esteemed publication (Daily Excess) has been critical of Wayne Rooneys recent performances for Manchester United.
One article Rooney is finished questioned his future, his commitment, his mental state and his footballing ability. We ran a story that incorrectly claimed Rooney was 'furious and livid' at the amount of media attention, fulsome praise and PFA awards being given to his team-mate and rival, Cristiano Ronaldo.
After his performance and two wonder goals on Saturday, the Daily Excess is proud to announce an unreserved, unequivocal and heartfelt apology to Wayne (John, Paul, Ringo, George) Rooney of Wilmslow, Cheshire.
Wayne Rooney is the best footballer in ~~England~~ the world. Wayne Rooney is destined to enjoy a long and trophy-filled career for club and country. John Terry has a dodgy back so must be relieved of the England captaincy immediately and the honour bestowed on 'our Wayne'. Wayne Rooney will bring the World Cup back home in 2010.
Rival publications have compared Wayne to Eric Cantona. That comparison is grossly unfair. Wayne Rooney is infinitely better than that garlic smelling, poetry reading, snail eating, karate kicking Frenchman who can't even speak English proper.
Wayne Rooney is a fantastic footballer and an awesome young talent to be nurtured and savoured.
Until he next goes four games without a goal.
How the big clubs approach the problem...
Manchester United - Alex Ferguson chooses to invite Jose Mourinho to the boardroom to share a bottle of expensive Portuguese wine. Pointedly applaud United fans who chant 'Your coat's from Matalan' on the way to the tunnel. Then shut up and assemble a team that actually looks capable of challenging Chelsea.
Liverpool - Appeal to the House of Lords, the Citizen's Advice Bureau and the European Court of Human Rights after Mourinho has the audacity and bare faced cheek to put his finger to his mouth after a Chelsea goal in the Carling Cup Final. Hold a annual 5 minute silence at Anfield for all those fans suffering post traumatic stress disorder as a consequence.
Arsenal - Arsene Wenger is so busy abusing match officials and getting embroiled in fisticuffs with small-time managers of small-time clubs, he forgets all about the mind games. Go to the back of the class.
Everton - Take legal advice after Mourinho accuses your centre forward of falling over a little too easily. Go running to your mummy in tears when this fails and everyone laughs at you.