London, near England - Thursday 18 February 2010

British Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, astounded the world today by announcing the total and immediate withdrawal of all British troops from the current areas of conflict in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Speaking exclusively to Piers Morgan on a prime-time chat show with tears in his eye, Brown explained: ‘During the course of the Chilcott Inquiry (led by that England rugby prop forward), a few facts became clear; Tony Blair misled Parliament and lied to the British public.’

‘There were never any Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq. We are fighting a war we can never win in Afghanistan. The time has finally come to bring ‘our boys’ home. We have lost over 250 young men in Afghanistan. Enough is enough and there’s an election imminent.’

‘A total of 12,500 troops will return home immediately from the theatres of war in the middle-east and Afghanistan. They will be fully de-briefed and given clean underpants. Then they will return home to their families for emotional reunions. Finally, the daily funerals of brave bomb disposal experts in Wootton Bassett are over. Seven TV crews and an opportunistic florist will also be recalled to London today.’

‘This is not a day for trite soundbites but I can feel the hand of history on my shoulder. This day shall be a Public Holiday to be forever known as ‘Honourable Draw in Iraq and Afghanistan’ Day (HDIA Day).’

‘On Monday, all the 12,500 members of the armed forces will all pack up their kit, say a tearful good bye and fly out to The Falklands to defend our newly found oil reserves from those pesky Argies.’