‘Who’s there ?’

‘It’s me - Jamie.’

Thinks to myself - I don’t know anyone called Jamie. My son isn’t called Jamie. My daughter isn’t called ‘Janie’. Even though the wife is visiting her parents and I have the house to myself, I don’t suppose it’s that bizarre, twisted fantasy featuring Jamie Lee Curtis.

I reached for a 3 iron to defend myself and finally get myself in the Daily Mail as a selfless vigilante, wrongly imprisoned for 7 years for simply defending his own property. An Englishman’s home is his castle and all that.

‘Oh - wait. Hang on Mister Brightside. Please put the golf club down, please. I’ve just come round for an Xbox controller and Norman Junior said you might be out so he gave me the keys to get in.’

And with that, I put the golf club down (Wilson Graphite Di9 Steel 4-SW) and said ‘Oh that’s all right then.’