January - Andy Murray reaches the quarter finals of the Australian Open but mysteriously withdraws citing a ‘bad hair day’. An inquiry is immediately launched into irregular gambling patterns preceding the match and his choice of shampoo. Manchester United triumph 7-4 in a thrilling FA cup-tie at Villa Park.

February - England beat Switzerland 5-0 at Wembley in a friendly. Frank Lampard scores a goal that is not deflected. Fabio Capello is hailed as a footballing genius

March - Liverpool lose 2-0 to Inter Milan in the Champions League. Rafael Benitez’s head explodes. Andrew Flintoff is reinstated as England captain and Ian Botham is appointed Chairman of Selectors after the pair clinch victory in the opening test against New Zealand. The Kiwi side are later found drifting on a orange pedalo, kept afloat by empty kegs of beer. The New Zealand cricket board are fined $5,000 for the late return of the hire vessel.

April - Paula Radcliffe astounds the athletics world by giving birth to her second child at the 23 mile marker in the London marathon. Radcliffe finishes the race in a creditable 5th place.

May - Arsenal win the Premiership. Jens Lehmann wins the prestigious David May award for ‘Best fringe player who intrudes on celebrations and gets in all the photos’ award.

June - Rioting is reporting in Liverpool, Newcastle, Birmingham and East London by football fans with no major football tournament to attend.

July - In a bizarre twist, Tiger Woods wins the British Grand Prix and Lewis Hamilton wins the British Open while filming for the reality TV series ‘Faking It’.

August - Great Britain win a solitary gold medal in the Bejing Olympics.

September - England lose 1-0 away to Kazakhstan in the opening World Cup qualifier. Fabio Capello is derided by the press as a hapless Italian ice-cream salesman, dismissed by the FA who appoint an Englishman (Borat) as his replacement.

October - After a poor start to the season, that leaves Chelsea hovering over the relegation zone, Roman Abramovich jettisons Avram Grant as manager, takes responsibility for team affairs, appoints Shevchenko as assistant manager and immediately signs Kaka, Ronaldinho, Ronaldo, Fabregas and Jens Lehmann.

November - Rafa Benitez is appointed manager of Lyon in a dream partnership with Gerard Houlier. French media carries reports that the two men have never been sighted in the same place at the same time.

December - England beat Belarus 2-1 in a World Cup Qualifier. Borat is hailed as a footballing genius and the media salute England’s golden age who will surely lift the World Cup in South Africa.