…from Surrey Traffic Police. Unfortunately, my friends appear to have sent me a ‘Notice of Intended Prosecution’ instead of their customary Yuletide greetings card.

I wrote and told them I had been a very good boy all year long. Well, a very good boy apart from my recent brush with their colleagues from the London branch.

Assuming Surrey Traffic Police content themselves with another fixed penalty notice and 3 points, this is quite inconvenient for me as this takes my tally to 9 points so I will now have to drive like an old man wearing a trilby hat. This will last for a full seven months when my current points start to expire.

I scrawled my own festive greeting on the non postage paid return envelope which I hope I don’t live to regret.

‘Merry Xmas to all at Surrey Traffic Police. You are all doing a great job.’

So, if you are stuck behind me and wonder why is that idiot driving below the speed limit, please accept my apologies but you can blame Surrey Traffic Police.

Maybe I should hire this lady as my personal chauffeur.