Posts from June 2007

During the week I am a boring IT consultant.

However, at weekends, I transform into a massive, dance, trance, garage, hop-hip, mixmaster DJ, spinning vinyl, entertaining the masses at Glastonbury.

No wonder I'm so tired every Monday morning.

This Bluehost powered blog is now FastCGI enabled. You may find the site faster but, then again, hyperlinks may return completely random articles. You will probably struggle to tell the difference.

Which reminds me of a funny story...

I am currently working in the North East on an 'escalation'. An 'escalation' is characterised by frequent, lengthy conference calls with bi-hourly status updates, the phrases 'high-profile', 'alternative technical solutions', 'severe degradation', 'impacting the bottom line', 'CIO visibility', 'options for the weekend' and the perennial favourite: 'any progress yet ?'

Thus far I have managed to resist the temptation to reply: 'No. Sorry. No progress yet because I have been in meetings and conference calls since I arrived onsite and I haven't even been offered a coffee yet, let alone actually touched a keyboard.'

Anyway, I digress. All of these factors combine for a relatively stressful working environment.

This lunchtime, during a scheduled outage of 15 minutes to stop and restart Oracle to change a static 9i parameter (optimizer_index_cost_adj from 1 to 10 for the technically minded), three highly skilled, overpaid technical people and a project manager were overseeing this vital, complicated and potentially life saving modification.

The application servers were shutdown so those pesky users could no longer use the system. We looked wistfully at a AIX 'topas' screen showing 'CPU: 0%, User: 0%, System: 0%, Disk 0%, Wait: 0%' and took a screenshot for posterity.

We paused to savour the moment. There was a brief moment of quiet contemplation and tranquility. Then the DBA piped up: 'Shall we wait for 1 minute ?'

The DBA then fired up Enterprise Manager. We all doubled checked the password credentials and the target database. We held an impromptu video conference call to get approval to press the 'Login' button.

We doubled checked that password for SYS was secure, non-intuitive and, err, different for the DEV, TEST, UAT, STAGE, QA, TRAIN and PRODUCTION environments. Of course, it was. What sort of organisation responsible for Oracle outsourcing would do anything different ?

The moment had finally arrived. Hours of detailed analysis. Hours of pouring over Statspack Level 7 reports and query plans. Hours of talking to the mysterious 'SAN Man'. Hours of scouring SupportWeb and Metalink.

Hours of investigating helpful (but ultimately unhelpful) suggestions from people who should not have been involved. Hours of going deep down into dark rat holes. Hours of early starts, late finishes, no coffee and plenty of red herrings.

The time had finally come to change the parameter. We stand, poised, on the verge of greatness.

I broke the tense silence: 'OK. The Oracle parameter we need to change governs the behaviour of the Oracle optimizer. We are seeing an expensive 'INDEX FULL SCAN' on the customer table which generates million of logical I/O's, physical disk reads and brings the database server to its knees. We are trying to encourage Oracle to use 'INDEX RANGE SCAN' on the driving, intersection table instead which is 300 times more efficient.'

'We are unable to add hints. We are unable to modify the SQL generated by the black box so we are going to change a key Oracle setting for CBO. I have the Change Control in my hands. We are actually going to change an Oracle parameter.'

A hush descends. The DBA observes another minute silence and expectantly clicks 'Instance - Configuration'. With a little prompting, he clicks 'SPFile' instead of 'Running'.

I continue: 'The parameter we are about to change is called 'Go' 'Underscore' 'Faster'.

The DBA then scrolls down to the 'G' section.

There is a period of a superlative 3 second silence followed by 'Sorry - what did you say: 'Go' 'Underscore' 'Fas...' followed by three people (poor project manager) laughing uncontrollably.

The door opens: 'Any progress yet ?'

I was wrong. I sincerely apologise. That wasnt my worst nightmare at all.

This is truly my worst nightmare.

On the face of it, the recent changes to the interface to Google Docs and Spreadsheets look trivial and superficial.

Googles official announcement is brief and understated but Google Blogoscoped hits the nail on the head (twice):

'The file listing now resembles a more traditional view in the style of, say, Windows Explorer.'

...that ordinary mortals understand and are comfortable with.

'Google D&S looks more and more like an office application.'

In fact, Google Docs looks and performs much better than the most popular office application. I recently upgraded three home PC's to Office 2007. I think Microsoft Office is a superb suite of professional applications (Word, Excel, OneNote) and represents great value for money as £85 buys licenses for use on three separate PC's.

Inevitably though, my wife hated the new Word interface (shock of the new) because 'everything had changed' and she could not easily locate the old 'Print' button or even 'File-Print'.

My wife doesn't use Google Docs and now she has mastered Word 2007, she probably never will.

However, if she ever does, it will be easy to teach her how to migrate. If she wants to print a document, she clicks the 'Print' button or the pretty picture of a printer. This is completely intuitive and obvious. She won't have to call the Helpdesk and interrupt the Champions League Final just to print two copies of her CV.

If my wife wants to delete a document, she either selects the document and clicks 'Delete'. Alternatively, if she has successfully completed my 3 days 'Advanced Course' (a bargain at £150) and is officially certified, she simply drags the document to the dustbin. Two choices. Both quick, easy and obvious.

Another occasional task my wife needs help with is finding her CV. She keeps all 178 documents in 'My Documents'. She doesn't archive files by year. She doesn't remember that she last updated the CV in May 2003 nor does she know whether the document is named 'CV', 'Curriculum Vitae' or 'CV-Full' or 'CV-May-2003' .

She can't fathom out the search interface from within Word (nor can I) and does not know that you can search for Word documents from a completely different application - Windows Explorer. She simply wants to find her CV. From within Word. Quickly.

In Google Docs, she types 'CV' in the 'Search' box and is offered all the available possibilities with intelligent auto-complete.

This isn't patronising. This is all about usability, interface design and mass market appeal.

If Auntie Beryl writes yet another letter to her bank, she simply drags it to the 'Letters' folder. She doesn't need to know that this isn't really a folder and the document is now tagged as 'Letter'.

Uncle Harry doesn't need to know the definition and intricacies of folksonomies. He doesn't care that, strictly speaking, this document could also be multiply tagged 'Bank' and 'Personal'. He just wants to type the letter, run a spell checker, quickly print the thing and make the 5 o'clock collection.

I honestly believe, in the future, this seemingly trivial change will be viewed as the turning point when Google changed from a marginal, Web 2.0 application and started to offer a credible alternative to Microsoft Office (for personal but not corporate users - yet). This was the day that non Web 2.0 users can now be introduced to Docs and actually understand and use it.

Ironically, the revamped Google Docs interface is very reminiscent of the Web based interface of Office 2007 which is another excellent software product and unbelievably close to the desktop equivalent.

Ten hours cooped up on a plane with facile excuses (just another 10 minutes), no food and screaming babies for company.

Love the cheerful musical score, the facial expressions and the way the video starts in daylight and ends in complete darkness.

No one ever asks me: Hey, Norman - why havent you installed Movable Type 4 (beta) yet ?

Well, I just did. The product is pretty impressive but I have invested too much time and effort in WordPress to switch blogging platforms.

That set list in full

• Theme from CSI
• Track ripped off from Quadrophenia
• Theme from 'CSI: Miami'
• Another track shamelessly ripped off from 'Quadrophenia'
• Theme from 'CSI: New York (Series 5)'
• Song ripped off from 'Tommy'
• Theme from 'CSI: Special Victims Unit'
• Encore: Terrible cover version of 'My Generation' by The Zimmers

A great weekend for the middle-aged, barstool musical correspondent.

Music and chat from Iggy and The Stooges on Jonathan Ross. I never realised 'Elves' by The Fall was such a complete rip-off of 'I wanna be your dog'.

Seven Ages of Rock - Black Flag, R.E.M, Pixies and Nirvana.

'Some people can not do that and will not do that.' (simple bass riff) - Kim Deal on 'Where is my mind'

'It had to end right there. Right with that scream. Right with that song. Right with that howl' - Scott Litt on Kurt Cobain's final words on 'Where Did You Sleep Last Night'

'If I could change anything, I just wish that Kurt was still alive.' - Dave Grohl

Glastonbury - Arctic Monkeys, The Killers, The Editors and a fantastic set from Iggy and the Stooges. Raw power.

Moss Side, near Manchester, England - Friday 22 June 2007

The hopes and dreams of the loyal and long suffering supporters of the popular football club, Manchester City, were cruelly shattered last night when the former Thai Prime Minister, Thaksin Shinawatra suddenly withdrew from takeover negotiations and and unexpectedly deposited his £81 million from a brown paper bag into an unnamed Swiss bank account.

In an exclusive interview, Mr. Shinywart explained:

'I feel so stupid but I was conned and lied to. I thought Manchester City was a proper, massive Premiership football club. One that would sell lots of shirts in Thailand. However, when I recently visited Madchester to see John Wardle, I specifically asked to meet with my two favourite players, Silvia Distin and Josephine Barton.'

'I think Distin is a superb defender and influential captain. I intended to build a brand new team around him - a team capable of restoring Citeh to their rightful place, a team capable of avoiding relegation every season.'

'I am also a massive fan of Miss. Barton because I am looking for a new bodyguard with a warped mind, delusions of grandeur and a propensity for violence.'

'I met Mr. Waddle in a dingy Working Men's Club in a pleasant village called Hulme and was staggered to learn that both Sylvia and Josephine had both recently been sold. When I demanded an explanation, Mr. Wardle said it was to raise money as compensation for an ex-employee called Mr. Pearce Steward.'

'I asked if we could use the money from Distin's sale to buy a world class, international striker, guaranteed to remain injury free and score 20 goals a season. Or failing that, Michael Owen. Mr. Wardell then went a strange colour and mumbled that Distin had left on a free transfer to reduce the massive wage bill.'

'I was now very angry and demanded to be introduced to the manager. Mr. Wardle looked a little sheepish and said they had decided to sack him because he kept telling the truth and, in any case, he thought I was going to bribe a Swedish adulterer with hard core porn videos to lead us into a new trophy laden era.'

'After a silent lunch (Thai Green Curry with chips and gravy), we then caught the 34 bus to the modern, valuable stadium. I was really looking forward to this because I intended to sell it and share a ground with Glazer's successful team who play in Red. Then, I discovered that Manchester City don't even own this asset. Instead, they play their home games in a property rented from the local council.'

'Enough is enough. I was now very close to withdrawing my offer. I gave Mr. Woddle one last chance to salvage the deal. I asked him for a video of all of the highlights and exciting goals from last season. Mr. Wardell mumbled: 'Even with highlights, reserve games, the Xmas party and all the cup competitions, we still didn't have enough footage to make a DVD. However, we do have a 37 second clip on YouTube featuring all the goals from our home fixtures.'

'So that was that. The deal is off. If I am convicted on charges of corruption, bribery and fraud and have to spend 15 years in a Thai prison, it will be a narrow escape compared with being the owner of Manchester City.'

John Wardle was bitterly disappointed at this breakdown in negotiations and issued a brief statement:

'Well, he started it. He invited me to Thailand where I bought this £4,000 Gold Rolex for 15 quid on a street market. The bloody thing is always 12 minutes slow so I keep missing kick-off and vital business appointments.'

'Mr. Skinnywater is a opportunistic fraudster who knows absolutely nothing about football. I say this because he claims we need to buy two strikers, two midfielders and a goal-keeper. So, clearly, the man thinks English teams only have five players. What an complete idiot !'

'And another thing, when I was in Bangkok, I decided to sample the nighttime delights of Patpong where I enjoyed a drink with a delightful hostess. She was stunning. I truly loved that girl. I was going to bring her home to Moss Side and marry her until she revealed a deep voice, a preference for the rear entrance, hairy armpits and a 10" sex aid strapped around her waist. At least, (s)he claimed it was a sex aid. I can only thank God I followed Thaksin's advice and decided to pull out at the last minute.'

31 years.

Trevor Phillips makes an early (and unexpected) bid to succeed Bernard Manning.