The climax of the football season is currently dominating my life somewhat. However, I feel obliged to inform the world of my exciting plans for the next fortnight.

Following next week’s UK Bank Holiday, the scheduling goddess informs me me that I will be doing a ‘brown bag’. This means that next Tuesday will see me wandering aimlessly around the shopping precinct in Reading, spontaneously shouting at shoppers while clutching four cans of Special Brew in a brown bag.

For the remainder of the week, I will be returning to the scene of last years summer holiday - Norway. Again, the work calendar informs me I will be spending 8 days embroiled in what is tersely described as a ‘deep dive’.

While I appreciate the break from work and the respite from staring blankly at a computer screen, I do have some reservations about this ‘deep dive’ activity. Bear in mind that I very nearly drowned whilst hiring a motor boat on the Norwegian fjords last year.

Still, it will be a fantastic opportunity to learn all about the fascinating world of scuba diving and hopefully realise a lifelong ambition and gain my Padi Open Water qualification. This means I will be able to stop boring people with my detailed analysis of the football season and my offspring’s sporting prowess and academic abilities.

Now, armed and dangerous with a Padi, I will fully empowered to participate in prolonged and tedious dinner party conversations about the joys of scuba diving and the pros and cons of the crystal clear, warm water in Egypt versus a purpose-built, 20 metre, freezing swimming pool in Plymouth naval base.