Dear Peter Crouch

Listen to Gary Neville. This time, there are no excuses. No ifs, buts or maybes. The hangovers have subsided. We have all taken those stupid flags off our cars and are now looking forward to next season. Let’s face it - England simply weren’t good enough.

As you had only played 60 minutes football and were the only recognised striker on the pitch, I wondered why you didn’t step up for one of the first four penalties ?

Was it because you were so tired ? Was it because you lacked confidence in your own ability ?

Was it because you were going to take the final penalty ?

Then I remembered - it was probably because of memories of your last ludicrous, pathetic, laughable attempt at a penalty against Jamaica in a recent friendly.

Yours sincerely

Norman Brightside