With apologies to Mr. Kipling (who does bake exceedingly good cakes) and Tele Savalas

‘If’ - a poem by Arsene Wenger of North London.

If UEFA had changed the rules of football for all games played on 17 May 2006 If the referee hadn’t been a Barcelona supporter If the idiotic, Norwegian linesman had been allowed to officiate and flag the first goal offside If Lehman had still been on the pitch, he would have saved both goals If D’Artagnan had been allowed to stay on the pitch If the Barca goalkeeper hadn’t tipped Lundberg’s shot over the bar If poor Thierry hadn’t been so tired, he would have definitely scored that goal

Or, as we say back home

‘If my Auntie had bollocks, she would be my Uncle.’