Posts from March 2006

Some people might have expected the clock on an expensive Sony digital car radio to automatically switch into British Summer Time.

However, they would be wrong and I will now be forced to try to remember the location of the fine manual.

I thought this was simply hilarious. Thank goodness, he captured a screenshot for prosperity.

The streets of the fine city of Newcastle were gridlocked on Monday. Locals despaired as their normal 20 minute commute took 3 hours 40 minutes due to a series of unfortunate events.

• A public sector strike (against pensions) closing the Metro and a tunnel under the Tyne.
• An attention-seeking individual pretending he wanted to end his life by jumping off a lofty bridge which meant the closure of the bridge, more traffic chaos and 57 social workers being summoned.
• Another (suspicious) fire in the city.

I owe my eternal gratitude to my taxi driver who meekly suggested that I might like to consider walking 10 minutes (instead of sitting for a further 90 minutes with the meter running) back to my hotel.

Would that happen in London ? Probably not.

Rapidly approaching the point when I will no longer send amusing emails to my Personal email alias but will instead send a permalink to everyone on my Personal email alias.

But then again, I only have two friends.

Two days early. Please, please tell me that this is two days early.

The primary DNS server at Malmaison went down earlier this evening for two hours so I called reception and uttered the following question:

Ou est lInterWeb, sil vous plait ?

The kind lady replied 'Whay ya say, InterWeb down, aye - we know like, Ha'way. Do you want a canny bag o' Tudor as compensation, bonny Lad ?'

Tom Kyte has some favourite quotes so here are some of mine.

Are you still doing what you did 5 years ago ? Yeah ? Well, don't make a career out of it ? (Mark. E. Smith) All over Battersea, some hope and some despair (Morrissey)

As she parts her greying hair, voices on the stair (The Chameleons)

Every twenty minutes on the Appalachian Trail, Katz and I walked further than the average American walks in a week (Bill Bryson)

Doing so will result in obstreperous behavior, usually devoid of any amusement value. (Dynix/ptx manual on the dangers of mixing BSD and ABI socket calls)

Is there really no beginning to your talents ? (Clive Anderson to Jeffrey Archer)

Have you ever thought, just for one moment, that it might be you ? (Alan Shearer to Glen Hoddle after Luxembourg game)

And finally, for all you philosophers out there who managed to get this far

We may seem cold, or
We may even be
The most depressing people you've ever known
At heart, what's left, we sadly know
That we are the last truly British people you'll ever know
(Morrissey)

Only joking. Sorry about that, philosophers. Here you go.

Those who forget the past are condemned to relive it (George Santayana)

I just watched Arsenal beat Juventus 2-0 in the Champions League. I dont support Arsenal. I dont really care whether they win or lose. I only watched the game to kill two hours on a slow Tuesday evening in Newcastle.

In March last year, however, I was also working away from home in Gothenburg (near Sweden), watching a different game I passionately cared about.

Here is the barstool correspondent's verdict on Inter Milan 1 MUFC 0.

Well this time last year (but a month later) I witnessed United's departure from the European Cup in a bar in Amsterdam and this year it was Gothenborg's turn.

The night started badly when we couldn't get into the Sports bar as we hadn't booked a table. Good start.

Then my Swedish colleagues took me to an Irish bar which was showing the Ice Hockey playoffs as Gothenborg were playing. Nice one.

So we sat down to eat and I was promised that the hockey would be over soon and I could see the 2nd half. Great. Thanks for that. Food took absolutely ages - it was only a burger for Pete's sake and when it came 40 mins later the chips were bloody cold. Thanks for that.

Eventually got to see 2nd half. We never got close to a shot on goal. 2 games and hardly a shot on target let alone any goals.

Their spawny goal looped over Tim Howard but still, at least we have got rid of Roy Carroll. Yeah Ruud wasn't fit, Giggs got a nose-bleed, Rooney is too young, Scholes had two bad games, Keane is fine in Premiership but too old for this level, Ronaldo's a greedy, showboating teenager but let's see some PASSION and FIGHT. We needed to go out and win tonight's game !

And now we have to put up with Chelski and their oh so clever manager in the media for 2 months !

PS. Did you happen to see Lyon's result 10-2 versus Werder Bremen - yes that is not a typo 10 goals against 2 goals. So Fergie's squad rotation against Fernabache doesn't look quite so clever now, does it ?

I met a lady from Newcastle who is giving two children from Chernobyl a summer holiday in the UK. She told me that two weeks in this country adds two years to their life expectancy.

The courteous, cheerful, courtesy bus driver from the car park to Terminal 1 at London Heathrow Airport greeted me with: Got your mobile phone safe, Sir ?. Unfortunately, I was a little taken aback by this opening gambit and simply replied Oh yes. I do. Thank you.

Two minutes later, a better retort struck me 'Yes. I left my flight tickets back in the office. I forgot to print the address of the hotel and my photographic means of identification is back at home but, yes, please rest assured my toy phone with its irritating ring tone is safely here in my pocket.'

It is dull, grey, wet and somewhat blustery in London and when I get to the 'Fast Bag Drop' desk, I am informed that my flight to Newcastle has been cancelled and I am unable to drop my bags here at any speed.

Instead, I am redirected to the BA ticket sales desk to (hopefully) get booked onto a later flight. When I reach the head of a very orderly, polite, silent, British queue, I am cheerfully greeted with 'Do you know what is going on, Sir ?' which is a very deep, meaningful, thought provoking and unexpected question.

Infuriatingly, I missed another gilt edged chance for a witty response and just said 'It is raining and windy so I heard a few flights have been cancelled so I need to book onto a later flight to Newcastle'.

15 seconds later, I realised the optimal reply should have been 'Nope. I haven't got the foggiest clue what is going on. The realisation is slowly dawning on me that my manager, colleagues, friends (and my wife) have indeed been correct all these years. I simply do not have a clue. However, please, rest assured, that I do have my mobile phone safe and sound.'

But before I could spit the words out, the BA gentleman told me exactly what was going on. 'Well, Sir. That is only partly correct. ATC (that is - Air Traffic Control) have limited the number of inbound and outbound flights to the airfield (I'm positive he called one of the busiest airports in Europe an 'airfield') due to inclement weather conditions. Consequently there are many cancellations and even the flights that are getting away are still subject to lengthy delays'.

And, in a very British way, I thanked him for these glad tidings.