Posts from March 2006

Student, indie, garage band who obviously love Blur and Half Man, Half Biscuit (but sadly lacking the humour) and then, one day, after missing a Physics lecture, the drummer comes in with a Macc Lads tape.

No wonder they gave CD's away free at their early gigs. I should have known better - always give a wide berth to any band who have ever been described in glowing terms by NME.

I think the pronounced East Yorkshire accent ('Oop') and Sheffield references ('Hunters Bar') finally did it for me.

A complete waste of money. Music to fall asleep (or drop out of second year at Metropolitan University) to. Only slightly better (and less embarrassing) than James Blunt and David Gray.

InterWeb.

I think I first heard the term used, while working for a small Internet company, by an Aussie. I cant recall whether we were laughing at him or he was laughing at us.

Anyway, I now use 'InterWeb' at dinner parties, hotels and even in the work environment. People used to stare quizzically but, sadly, no longer. The term is now in common usage which somehow just makes it all the more amusing.

I am fortunate to find myself staying in a pleasant enough hotel in Newcastle upon Tyne. It is called the Malmaison which is a little pretentious for my liking (for an unpretentious city where people wear T-shirts, white socks and mini-skirts in the depths of winter) but a colleague is also staying here and it does provide a clean bed and a shower which meets all of my simplistic requirements.

My confirmation email seems to confirm my suspicions with the following gems:

May we commend you on your choice of hotel. We're sure you'll find Mal life like no other. Superior service. Choice cuisine. Dazzling drinks.

Fantastic introduction. They are praising me (the customer) for my superb choice in hotels.

They are already promising fantastic cuisine (even though I may choose to eat elsewhere) and 'dazzling' drinks (even though I will undoubtedly choose to drink elsewhere). In any case, I wasn't aware that Newcastle Brown Ale could be described in that way due to legal constraints of the Trade Descriptions Act.

Perfect pampering. Memorable meetings. And of course sleep, with plenty of zeds.

As for 'memorable meetings', I have attended lots and lots of business meetings. In fact, I am not sure that I can actually remember a single one.

Well, there we are. That should be all the bases covered.

Promising use of management consultant speak.

Please note that after 14th Feb, plastic is only fantastic with a PIN!!!

Excellent use of triple exclamation mark.

However, even my rusty 'O' level French is still good enough to tell me that the literal translation of 'Malmaison' is actually 'Bad House' which seems an odd choice of name for a supposedly quality hotel.

Last week, I had to buy a birthday present for somebody. So, quite early last Thursday morning, I found myself in a cavernous Tesco Extra Superstore. You could buy anything there at rock bottom (close to InterWeb) prices: digital cameras, MP3 players, Ipods, Plasma screen TV's, DVD recorders, SmartCars, absolutely anything

I must have looked purposeful and smart as an elderly couple mistook me for a Tesco employee and asked me where they might find bread and milk. I tried to be helpful and directed them to aisle 79 and gave them a pre-printed 'Employee of the Month' form to complete.

I then used the in-store guide to navigate my way to the music section. To my horror, the one item at the top of my shopping list was nowhere to be found. I checked the Top 100 Chart listing. This particular CD was Number 33 in the hit parade. Inevitably, the Number 33 position was the only slot in the miles of CD racks which was completely and utterly empty.

Disaster. Initially I thought about just going elsewhere but then I saw a young lady polishing her nails at the 'Audio - Customer Service' desk. I slowly approached and decided to come clean: 'Good morning. I wonder if you could help me. I really need to buy the 33rd best selling CD inthe UK charts but there are none left on the shelves. Please could you see if you have got any in the stock room out the back (or under the counter) ?'

She paused, turned and looked at the CD chart listing. 'Number 33 - Oh. Do you mean James Blunt - Back To Bedlam ?''

'Well, yes, err, but you must understand, this is a, err, birthday present for a, err, very close friend you see, and certainly not for me'.

'Oh I understand, perfectly, Sir. I will just go and have a look for you now.'

The young assistant smiled and shot me a knowing glance as she departed. As she was gone for what seemed like an eternity, I continued to browse the shelves and, suddenly, on impulse, I decided to buy the Arctic Monkey's CD. This was a risk as I had never heard any music by this band and my all-time favourite music reviewer had not even commented on this band yet.

The shop assistant eventually returned with 'Number 33' in her hand.

'Thank you very much. And I would also like to buy this CD too. Look - this CD is the Arctic Monkeys and I am actually buying this one for myself.' 'Oh I see, Sir. Are you sure this isn't a present for someone else ?'

So I buy the two CD's and shuffle away. Then I consult my shopping list (GTD context='Tesco') and I suddenly realise that I need to buy something else. Mothers' Day is imminent and I also need to buy David Gray's latest CD.

Enough was enough. I simply can't take any more. Time to leave. On my way out, I spotted the elderly couple looking perplexed over in the Garden, Conservatory and Motorized Robotic Lawn Mower section. I simply couldn't face buying the David Gray CD. I couldn't face that girl's smirk again so I just cut my losses and bought 24 contraceptive sheaths as it was much less embarrassing and promptly left the store.

So, sorry, Mum. 24 Durex (Featherlite) may seem like an odd present for Mothers' Day but I hope this article helps to explain why.

Just because Prince Philip confirms your hotel booking, dont assume he will greet you at reception. He wont.

Just because a shopping mall is called Heron City and contains water features, don't assume there will be herons. There won't.

Just because you spent an hour in a taxi telling the driver, you are flying on British Airways to London, don't assume he will drop you at the correct terminal. He won't.

I was just quietly unloading the dishwasher this morning, when my 10 year old daughter enters the kitchen and screams:

HES DEAD, DAD, HES DEAD. LOOK DAD. HES DEAD !

Sure enough, Chewy, the 18 month old gerbil had got himself wedged in a Xmas wrapping paper tube. Being slightly narrower than a toilet roll, the poor thing had wedged himself in and was absolutely motionless with his bottom sticking out of one end.

As I have never held the filthy rodent alive let alone dead, I summoned my wife, Norma, from the shower. Well, she is a trained Intensive Care Nurse after all. As Norma went to cut away the cardboard to free Chewy and prepare him for cremation, we suddenly saw frantic motion.

Thank God, against all the odds, the poor creature is still alive:

'HE'S ALIVE DAD, HE'S ALIVE. LOOK, DAD. HE'S ALIVE !'

Unfortunately the little gerbil was so frightened, he started thrashing around uncontrollably like a rodent that had been helplessly trapped for 8 hours unable to see or move.

Consequently Norma inadvertently dropped him into the laundry basket and spontaneously urinated onto my underpants and socks (Chewy that is, not Norma).

This comedy of errors continued as Norma's towel fell away as she desperately tried to grab him and stop him entering the narrow passage by the tumble drier.

In conclusion :-

Never, ever place Xmas wrapping paper tubes into your Hamster/Gerbil cage, thinking 'This will be fun' - it won't.

[This article was originally published in The Grauniad's 'Living' section on 13 November 2002]

Well its been a while but tomorrow I will be resuming my battle with BAA security staff as I pack my thermal underwear for a chilly Stockholm (near Sweden) where I am hoping the Queen's husband will greet me at the hotel reception.

I am giving a presentation (sorry, facilitating a workshop) imaginatively titled 'Managing Siebel on Oracle'. This should be fun as this is completely new material and should include a lots of hands on practical work which inevitably will provoke a lot of questions and discussion.

Only one major decision is outstanding. Should I use the white (understated, lighter, easy on the eye) template or the (dark, moody, almost Gothic) black corporate template ?

Anyone who has seen Oracle presentations should know what I mean. Tom Kyte tends to use White. Most glossy S&M/keynotes use Black. Guess what - I think I have just solved my dilemma.

Djibril Cisse (tattooed neck, ridiculous shaved head) celebrating his superb, individual, match winning goal (err, well, a converted penalty) in front of the Gallowgate End at St James Park by removing his shirt to remove a grubby white vest declaring his undying love for his wife, his cat, God, Robbie Fowler, his late gerbil and dearly departed Lady Diana, Queen of Our Hearts.

After all, I mean, his last goal was last year (28 December 2005) so that vest must absolutely stink.

Since the Regulus theme was added to WordPress last November, I have stuck with it through thick and thin, for richer for poorer, through sickness and in health.

Lots of themes have subsequently been introduced to Wordpress and I always preview each of them but none of them look as easy on the eye and as functional as Regulus.

However, I must say that the recently added 'Andreas04' theme is very attractive and had me dithering for a moment. You can see this theme in action, down under, at squash.wordpress.com, by Phil Sim, who was obviously similarly impressed.

I am not going to report on the Starting From Zero meme again until day 666, with no more intermediate steps along the way. I am tired of the project, personally, and its obviously driving others mad, too.