These are indeed exciting times in the Brightside household:

  • Norma Jeane will be taking part in the 125th Lawn Tennis Championships to be held at Wimbledon between 20 June and 3 July. Her precise role isn’t known yet but may include ‘Waiting On (Silver Service)’ - fawning over loud, overbearing sales people out on a corporate jolly, ‘Bar staff’ (serving jugs of Pimms to middle aged Daily Mail readers) or tantalisingly, ‘Courtesy car driver’ (ferrying a morose Andy Murray around). This represents a rapid promotion from her initial placement two years ago, where she started out on ‘Litter collection surrounding courts 10 and 11’ before being promoted to ‘Housekeeping duties’ or, as she so eloquently put it - ‘Cleaning the bogs’.
  • Norma will be visiting Holloway prison in April. She claims this is part of her District Nursing course but I have my doubts. She seems to be watching a lot of those legal dramas recently and taking copious notes.
  • Norman Junior III is recuperating from fracturing his right arm for the second time. Note to self - any activity containing the word ‘roller’ that takes place on a concrete road is potentially hazardous. He is soldiering on quite well and only needs assistance with his socks. He has subsequently changed his XBox nickname to ‘OneArmedBandit’ and is experimenting using his toes to manipulate the controller.
  • I had a brush with West Midlands traffic police last week in Solihull after daring to consult a old fashioned map while driving. After 15 minutes of being patronised by a fascist pig and being forced to beg and scrape on bended knee, I managed to escape with a verbal warning instead of the threatened ‘6 point penalty for careless driving’. However, I am still puzzling over the ‘correct’ answer to the copper’s deep, probing question: ‘Sir, please could you tell me why were you travelling at 25 miles per hour in a 30 zone ?’