Tuesday 1 June

Mr. Capello announces the final squad of 23 players for the World Cup. There was the odd surprise and some devastated players as we say a tearful farewell to Huddza, Johnno, the Scott-Meister, Les (Dawson), Dazza The Bender, Walcottza and the quiet one (I think his name was Leighton Baines).

Saturday 5 June

Rio and Heskey have a argument over Wii Tennis that carries over into a training match. After winning a defensive header, Rio tells Heskey ‘Dunno why you’re still here. I’ve scored more international goals than you.’ Heskey retaliates by sliding in by the corner flag and sitting on Rio’s left knee.

Sunday 6 June

Rio has done medial ligaments and Mr. Capello is very cross. He had put his name down for the Wii Tennis tournament and no-one told him when he was on. Mr. Baldini reads the riot act and Rio goes to hospital.

Mr. Ferguson rings me and is screaming so loud I have to hold the receiver away from my sunburnt ear. He wants me to get Emile Heskey to sit on me so I can miss the World Cup and get sent home to Manchester.

Monday 7 June

Crisis meeting mainly for the defenders but we all have to go which is a shame as I was beating Joe Hart 79-71 in a Noughts and Crosses marathon session in the hotel lobby.

A young fair haired lad called Dawson turns up. No-one really knows who is he or why he’s here. I think he might be an undercover reporter or Joe Cole’s agent. Anyway, Mr. Baldini says he is replacing Rio in the Wii Tennis tournament.

Mr. Capello wants to sort out the communication between the back four and the rest of the team. Rio used to call me ‘Wazza’, JT ‘Tezza’, Stevie G ‘Gezza’ etc so it was all quite easy. However, the young fair haired lad can’t learn all these nicknames in time. Mr. Capello wants us to use ‘Senor Rooney’ but this takes too long. Baldini suggests shortening this to ‘Rooney’ which wins 20-5 in a vote.

After 37 minutes, plunged in silent, deep thought, Sean Wright-Phillips says something: “What about Joe Cole and Ashley Cole ? They will now both be called ‘Cole’.”

Mr. Capello is annoyed at this interruption as dinner is nearly ready and he asked for his favourite - Spaghetti Hoops - tonight so he quickly ends the discussion: ‘Right - Ashley will be ‘55 grand’ and Senor Cole will be ‘Cole’.

Gareth Barry says that ‘Cole’ sounds a little but like ‘Goal’ but Mr. Baldini says that won’t be a problem.

Tuesday 8 June

Papers giving me a lot of stick for reckless challenges, getting booked and telling a referee to ‘Feck Off’ in a friendly against John Terry’s All Gold Platinum All Stars. I am summoned to a meeting with Mr. Capello and the new captain Steve Gerrard. David Beckham is also present - his main role was to coach Theo - but now he just has to check no-one is wearing flip-flops and keep Rio’s spirits up.

Have a chat with Steve Gerrard and Jamie Carragher by the pool. They are a little hard to understand (even for me) but they are in high spirits. Steve reckons we can go all the way and win it this time. He keeps saying ‘Listen, eh - la. Good things come in threes. Rio’s injury gave me the captaincy. Rafa was sacked by Liverpool so this must mean we are going to win it and Stevie Me will lift the World Cup, instantly treble my value and get my dream move to Chelsea, sorry Real Madrid.