Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to get a ticket to the Emirates on Tuesday night so here is my match report culled from my stream of inane drivel on identi.ca.

Preparing for the big game…

‘My wife just gave me the shock of my life. She said ‘We may have a big problem here.’ Thought TV was bust. Turned out son ’lost’ his PE bag.’

‘Saw a couple of Gooners on way to Emirates. Lowered car window and shouted ‘Manchester, Manchester, la, la, la’ at them. They waved back.’

‘Why the feck do Arsenal sing ‘The Wonder of You’ ?’

The game gets underway and the first can of Grolsch gets opened. ‘What a start ! 2-0 after 11 minutes. The tie is over now. The wonder of Almunia (back to his best) and Gibbs.’

Half-time arrives, the pundits have their say and the Grolsch is restocked during the adverts.

‘Urgh ! Jens Lehman - what a nasty and uncalled for surprise !’

‘God - I think Steve Rider is going to cry in a minute. Is he a Gooner ?’

Second half gets underway…

‘Gibbs off - for Eboue. Well, that’s a bit harsh. He wasn’t that bad ! LOL’

‘Where are all those pretty Red and White Arsenal flags ? Have the stewards asked for them all back ?’

‘Oh no - someone has left a suspicious package in the corporate seats. The anonymous caller just said it was under a pretty Red and White flag.’

‘Jesus - that third goal - Rooney, Ronaldo was absolutely superb ! 3-0.’

‘Walcott off - never actually realised he was playing. As Morrissey sang, ‘You just haven’t earned it yet, baby.’

‘Who the f*ck are Man United ? Who the f*ck are Man United ? And the Reds go marching - on, on, on.’

‘Arsenal - you now require 5 (five) goals in 25 minutes.’

‘Rooney off - will play in the Final - and we look forward to the exertions and energy of Berbatov.’

‘The commentator raises a good point - Ferguson is never hailed as a tactical genius (like Rafa, Arsene). Probably for the best.’

‘Still, all Gooners can go home - trophyless - and rest assured this is a young team with promise for the future. Just like the last 5 years.’

‘Look at Madrid. Look at MUFC. I have a feeling Ronaldo might be staying put. Not sure whether I’m pleased about that or not.’

‘Fletcher - red card for a fair tackle - misses Final but you can’t referee retrospectively. Otherwise MUFC might have lost to Spurs.’

‘Emirates half-empty at the end - strictly part-time supporters. Don’t forget your complimentary Red and White flags on the way out now.’