I always smile whenever I receive an email that opens ‘I heard that Stephen Hawksworth Smithers-Jones in ABC division gets…’

Over the years I have heard the following myths about the delights of working in the completely fictional division ABC.

  • Unlimited broadband paid for by the company.
  • Mandatory business class flights on short-haul.
  • Complimentary chauffeur service from your house to LHR/LGW.
  • Expenses automatically paid via psychic medium with no need for receipts.
  • No need for approvals for anything from anyone.
  • Prawn volavons with a garlic and tomato sauce brought to their desks at 12 noon precisely (even when onsite).
  • First shout on the airplane toilet when the seat-belts sign is extinguished.
  • Free laundry and ironing service when onsite for more than one night
  • New laptops every quarter (subject to stringent personal, divisional and corporate performance goals). Every month otherwise.
  • Complimentary invites to the client’s Christmas bash and summer BBQ (free bar and partners included).
  • Secret inclusion in the company car (‘Gold - Level 3’) scheme with access to a brand new model every 3 months.
  • A massive incentive payment to not to desert to main rival during any (rumoured) takeover.
  • 2.6 million shares, 1.2 million stock options and 876,542 FlexPoints. Index linked.
  • Contributory pension scheme; Company contributes 24 times salary. Employee contributes nothing.

It always reminds me of the advert: ‘Carlsberg don’t run an IT consultancy, but if they did, it would be like this…’