Many thanks for your lovely, thought provoking email.

Unfortunately, I am currently on annual leave (although I couldn’t resist the temptation to check my work email when the wife wasn’t looking tonight).

I will reply to your email on my return on Monday 30 October.

Well, actually I won’t. If it was sent to a mailing list, I will probably skip it but may dig it out from the archives in a few months when I am onsite desperately looking for a solution to the identical problem.

If your communication was spam then, I regret to inform you that, your kind offer of a 16" penis didn’t get past the corporate spam barrier. Hard to believe but it’s true, three and a half years and a single (yes, count them - one) spam email has reached my Inbox.

Alternatively, if your email matches one of my filters, then your amusing joke about The Killers new LP, MUFC or that unfortunate incident in the pub last Thursday will be ignored (for now).

If your email is work related and directed to me personally, then it will either be acted upon (if it takes less than 2 minutes), delegated (problematic as no-one is stupid enough to report to me) or deferred for action at some point in the future (honest).

And if you were the idiot who inadvertently called me to enquire about my availability during my brief chance to forget all about work and spend quality time with my family, I gave your name, mobile number and address to my wife.