Another article in this occasional (and extremely popular) series.

‘Sorry about my homework, Sir. I have actually finished my 1500 word essay on the Black Death but when I went to print my work out last night, the folder called ‘My Documents’ was locked.

At first I thought my Dad was playing another of his funny, little tricks so I screamed down the stairs ‘DAD - WHY ARE YOU SO ANNOYING ?’. Then I had to wait because he was watching ‘The shirts of 66’ and could not be disturbed.

Then my Dad had a look and couldn’t get my Word document either. He muttered darkly about some hacker who had somehow accessed our PC despite him having paid good money for Norton Internet Security (which was a load of rubbish and would be going back to Dixons for a full refund tomorrow) and supposedly locking down our wireless network so securely that my Mum can no longer use it.

I summoned up the courage and asked him whether he actually could get my homeback back because he works in IT and he once told me he was a ‘consultant’. Or should I just start typing now.

He replied ‘Hang on a minute, son. I have just found a file named ‘INSTRUCTIONS HOW TO GET YOUR FILES BACK’ that might be relevant’. Then he went a funny colour and shouted at the screen: ‘Virus…Hackers…Ransom…Archiveus…Russian drug mafia’

Apparently, he could have got the file back but is too mean to pay the 5,000 dollar ransom demanded by the Russian hackers just for my essay on the Black Death.

So, you see, Sir that is why I haven’t done my homework. I know it sounds a little far fetched but it’s true.’

‘Sorry. Brightside. Please stop telling lies. Detention tonight after school and I’ll be speaking to your parents.’