Posts in category "UK"

Tuesday - An empty black hold-all crashes to the floor from its precarious position on top of the wardrobe alongside miscellaneous Christmas packages.

Wednesday - A full length mirror falls and rotates through 180' from being propped up against the fireplace and sandwiched against a box of files. I tried to reproduce the path the mirror must have taken but there simply isn't enough room for the mirror to have fallen the way it did.

Thursday - A digital cordless phone in the kitchen spontaneously develops a faulty connection on the rocker switch and beeps incessantly. Yet another interrupted night's sleep.

Even more spooky, each occurrence happened at 03:58 precisely.

Time to call Yvette Fielding and get the Most Haunted crew around.

Oh aye Janice, listen. When my Dougie gave up smoking, the transformation was miraculous. He seemed like a new man. It was absolutely fantastic. His breath was fresh and clean. His teeth were gleaming white and he just seemed to have much more energy. Why, one day, he even smiled. And, Janice, let me tell you, my Dougie became a tiger in the bedroom, if you know what I mean.'

Some Scottish men were mistakenly prescribed Viagra instead of anti-smoking pills but some mean spirited pharmacist noticed just in the nick of time.

Finally, after nine years, we now learn that Princess Diana (Queen Of Our Hearts ©) was actually killed by a drunk driver who was driving too fast, in an effort to avoid paparazzi, through a narrow tunnel in Paris.

There was no MI5 conspiracy so the Daily Express no longer has anything to write about.

I was convinced I had my address book quadruple-mirrored (Thunderbird, Palm, Gmail and ScheduleWorld) secured on resilient disk storage using RAID-5 with offsite backups.

However, when I came to start writing my Christmas cards, this assumption proved be to false. I think something must have gone awry during my disaster recovery testing in the summer.

Anyway, if you can remember aunties name, street name and town, you can obtain the correct postcode from the Royal Mail.

Then, armed with the full postal address, you can (probably) obtain her phone number from British Telecom so you can thank her for the thoughtful present in January.

Finally, if you bribe a call centre employee (or root around in the bins outside a major UK bank), you can also obtain her bank and credit card details to find out how much she actually spent on you this year.

Penny Coates is an overpaid idiot who thinks East Midlands Airport should be renamed East Midlands Airport - Nottingham, Leicester, Derby.

Personally, I think 'Brian Clough Airport' would be better because Cloughie is primarily associated with Nottingham, had links with Derby and also occasionally enjoyed a curry and a few pints in Leicester.

Also, the proposed name will mean that most people will miss their flights. By the time you've told the taxi driver your destination, the plane will be on the runway.

I suspect the following notice in not uncommon in toilets throughout the world.

Please show consideration for others and leave this toilet in a state you would expect/hope/pray to find it.

However, this closing line is quintessentially British

A toilet brush is provided, should it prove necessary.

I find it weird that I can carry around 4GB of disk storage in my pocket.

I find it staggering that I can buy a disk drive with a credit card that could comfortably store 95% of all the production Siebel OLTP databases I have encountered.

I bought my children an advent calendar each to initiate the Christmas celebrations (and shut them up).

As soon as my son got home from the supermarket, he eagerly ripped open the little door panel for 1 December and wolfed down the chocolate.

As it was already the 3rd of December, I gently enquired whether I might be allowed to sample the delicious chocolate for the 2nd December. He agreed because he truly loves his father - 'Yes. Go on then although they do taste a bit funny'.

I looked at the lovely advent calendar, admiring the wonderful Christmas scenes.

Then I noticed it. Top left corner. In small print. Good Boy Advent Calendar. For Dogs.

Happy Christmas, son.

I made an unexpected debut at my wifes book club last night because because I just happened to have read the book in question and my wife (still) has a flat tyre.

We all met up at Rosemary Barnstormworth's house and she had thoughtfully laid on prawn volavons, curry flavoured twiglets and copious amounts of wine.

Obviously, this was my first team debut so I was understandably nervous. However, I needn't have worried as I already knew some of the ladies present and I was warmly welcomed with a large glass of wine.

After 45 minutes and some pleasantries, I tentatively asked whether we could actually discuss our thoughts on ' The Kite Runner'. Hiliary Montague replied 'Oh hang on Norman. There's plenty of time for that. Oh I see you're empty. Let me see to that.' and promptly refilled my glass.

An hour later, I startled everyone by suddenly interrupting the conversation with 'Well I thought the book was superbly written, recounting a story of broken friendship, deeply moving as well as providing a fascinating insight into life in Afghanistan in the 1970's. Margaret - what did you think ?'

'Well very similar to you really. Very moving. Especially the bit about the kite.'

'Zandra - anything to add ?'

Zandra delved into her handbag for a tissue and pronounced:

'I found The Kite Runner a deeply moving tale from start to finish daring to explore the intricacies and prejudices between Sunni and Shi-ite Muslims, the special bond between two friends divided by cast, wealth, status and ignorance.The book is worth reading to the very last page if just for the the final scene which tugs at the heart strings evoking an overwhelming surge of emotion difficult to explain or even understand yet powerful in it's impact.'

'Thanks Zandra. Are you a reviewer on Amazon ?'

'No. Why ?'

'Well what you just said is identical, word for word, to a review on Amazon.'

'Well, err, no. Not exactly.'

'Listen ladies. I realise it's my first time and I don't mean to be rude but not one of you has actually read the book, have you ?'

'Well Norman, no we haven't but please have a refill while I explain. We are all very busy mothers, housewives and wives. Some of us are very active in the PTA and others work full-time so please forgive us if we haven't always got time to actually read the book. Now maybe we can charge our glasses and discuss the book for the next meeting. Norman, as way of apology, what was the last book you read ?'

'Oh come on. What's the point ? You're not going to read it anyway.'

'Now, now Norman. You misunderstand the whole point behind book club. The most important thing is that we have the name of a book, we are currently reading, to tell all our friends who are members of rival book clubs.'

'Rival book clubs ?'

'Oh yes, Norman. You wouldn't believe the rivalry. I happen to know that Sheila Henshall has had her eyes on you and your reading list for a while now. Anyway, after Christmas, we may well have more free time in January so, come on, what was the last book you read ?'

'Err, well - I can't remember.'

'Oh come on Norman. Don't be so shy now. We are all friends here tonight'

'Well it is called ' Cost Based Oracle:Fundamentals (Volume 1)' by Jonathan Lewis but it is a very technical book about the Oracle database. To be honest, the book contains lots of mathematics and statistical theory and it was pretty heavy going even for me and I still haven't actually finished it.'

'Hmm. Although I bet no-one else will choose it, that doesn't sound entirely suitable. What about the book you are currently reading ?'

'Err, well. I'm half way through ' Heavier than Heaven' by Charles Cross.'

Margaret Smithers-Jones pipes up: 'Oh I think I read about that one in the Daily Mail. Is it about the life of a man from Orkney who was an orphan and his constant struggle trying to discover his inner self and his experiences with various religions before converting to the Church of Scientology ?'

'Err, no. This book's about a grunge rocker from Seattle who rose from poverty to lead the most influential punk group of the 90's to worldwide acclaim.'

Linda Postlethwaite replied: 'Err, well it sounds a little far-fetched.'

'It's a biography and it's all true. He later married and had a child but in 1994, he finally succumbed to his various drug addictions and depression. He overdosed on heroin and blew his brains out with a shotgun.'

'Oh Norman. I really don't think that's suitable. Here, for Pete's sake, cheer yourself up with some more wine.'

'And some people think his wife was behind his death because he was about to leave the music business and divorce her.'

'Oh Norman - do shut up. Now everyone; what do we all think about Jan Leeming ?'

[There are absolutely no affiliate links in this article. My conscience wouldn't let me.]

Hilarious [Via Pete Ashton]