Posts from October 2008

Surrey Traffic Police should run a recruitment campaign with the tagline

Join Surrey Traffic Police and see the world.

This would appeal to young men who fancy the glamour and travel traditionally associated with the Armed Forces but are slightly wary of losing their lives in Iraq or Afghanistan.

In August, I hired a car mid-way through my holiday in Venice to drive to the foot of the Dolomite mountains and also took the opportunity to visit Lake Garda.

So that explains why, on the hot, sunny, blissfully lazy afternoon of Sunday 10th August, I was driving slowly through the lovely small Italian town of Spresiano.

To save money and increase fuel economy, the Brightside family were crammed in to a rather underpowered Fiat Panda as we explored churches and Italian villages using the delightfully, quiet country roads.

Imagine my surprise, as I left the sleepy town heading for Treviso, I was flagged over by two Carabinieri (not Italian police - Carabinieri) who were obviously not merely equipped with radar guns but real guns.

The official approached my window and made a polite request in rapid-fire Italian. I looked blank and replied 'Sorry - Inglese - do you want to see my driving licence and documents ?' He looked perplexed and a little disappointed: 'Oh so you are English, yes ?. What are you doing here ?'

'We're on holiday and hired a car to come to see your beautiful mountains and Lake Garda'. I pointed at my family who were listening to iPods, reviewing sunburn and consulting the map studiously in an effort to reinforce my argument.

I got out of the car and opened the boot to locate the hire car documents and dig out my driving licence. A pile of wet towels, a rucksack, some beach shells and a large bottle of Fanta Orange fell out. The military official looked dismissively at me.

'So - why are you having a pink driving licence ?'

A multitude of witty answers immediately sprang to mind but I contented myself with 'Well - that's what the English Government gave me.'

His colleague, irritated and curious about the delay on a routine traffic stop, wandered over and the mood lightened. 'Oh you are coming from London. I have been to London in 2005 - do you know Li-ches-ter Square ?' followed by 'I have always wanted to visit Ed-een-burro'.

Finally, their checks complete, I was free to continue my journey. I summoned up the courage and whispered: 'Excuse me but was I travelling too fast ?'.

The two Carabinieri looked at each other and said 'Oh no - no problem - it is just a routine stop. This is normal in Italia.'

And then, in a scene reminiscent of the Great Escape where Gordon Jackson has his papers checked by the Gestapo and the German officer quietly says 'Good Luck' as he goes to board the bus to which Jackson replies 'Thanks', the Italian policeman muttered 'See you in London'.

This closing comment perplexed me and I assumed I had misheard the Italian accent. That was until today when I received another letter from my friends at Surrey Traffic Police. The letter formally notified me that, on 23 October 2008, 3 further points have now been cleared from my driving licence (leaving an outstanding total of just 3).

Chillingly, the official letter closed with:

PS. Hope you all enjoyed your holiday in Venice

Although I will always associate Paul Ince with the phrase big time Charlie, I do think the Blackburn manager talks a lot of sense.

In particular, I think he was correct in his assessment of Celtic's display at Old Trafford on Wednesday night in the Champions League. Apart from a few early promising moments, I think the gulf between the two sides was embarrassing.

In fact, when I first tuned in to watch the game, initially I thought I had got the dates mixed up and I was watching United playing Norwich City in the Carling Cup.

18 months ago, I reviewed the online editions of the leading UK newspapers and the various syndication options.

At that time, all the newspapers only offered partial text feeds which, in my opinion, is understandable but unsatisfactory.

So I was pleasantly surprised to read in ReadWriteWeb that The Guardian has broken ranks and now offers full text RSS feeds. It will be interesting to see whether this increases subscribers for The Guardian and whether the competition will be persuaded to follow suit.

During a ritual purge of Inbox, I just discovered the following email

Years ago, in a different life. I worked as an Oracle DBA for a dot com in deepest Clapham.

For reasons that now escape me, the CEO managed to get a discounted rate so we could all lie in complete darkness in a flotation chamber listening to whale music with joss sticks burning.

Performance was pretty bad and the backups never got done but we were all completely relaxed about it.

From the desk of Mr. Ashley. Good day. Private message to you.

I know you dont mind me contacting you by this means since we have not met before this time. My name is Lord King Glorious Michael Haway the Lads' Ashley.

Recently, my Uncle's (Sir Robert Robson of Gateshead) will was read and to our joy and relief, he has kept the sum of $8 milion USD in trust for the upkeep of the beloved Newcastle Footballing Club.

With divine intervention, we have already secured the assistance of the Cockney Mafia and I humbly seek your financial aid to restore Newcastle Barcodes FC to their rightful place (in the Championship).

However, you must act fast to take advantage of this opportunity. In the last week, we have already hired a leading, proven, experienced, respected manager to lead the team. His name is Joseph ('Kinnell') Kinnear and he has already made great strides in making friends with the local news media in order to obtain additional funding.

Newcastle Footballing Club already has some world class international footballing stars who are household names (in Geordie households) - England centre-forward Saint Michael Owen of Chester, Clown Prince Danny Guthrie and undoubtedly you will have a poster of your countryman, Shola Amoeba, on your bedroom wall.

Newcastle Racing Club Santander are a massive football club - in fact, every single English person who lives in Newcastle will tell you that Nudecastle are a sleeping giant. Newcastle play in a superb stadium - St Jimmy Five Bellies Park - which has an unbelievable capacity of 55,000 people. Once, back in 1996, when we were chasing the Premiership title, under the majestic leadership of the Messiah King Kevin of Scunthorpe, we even managed to fill it for the visit of Manchester United.

Please wire $24.6 million dollars immediately into account 7649820 - sort code 23-65-91 and we will proceed with Phase 2. This will require the appointment of a fifth interim manager - the self-appointed Royal Holiness Alan Shearer of Durham - to lift the club from the relegation places and a subsequent under the counter payment to hire the chosen one - a man appointed by God and equipped to save Newcastle - his name is the Special One and will be joining us in June 2009 once the Cockney Mafia has completed dealings with their Italian counterparts.

This will be a joint venture arrangement that will demand the utmost trust and sincerity which you will benefit immensely from this project, as I will rely on you for it's success. Please do indicate your willingness to assist me through my email 'nonalcoholicpintinsixseconds@hotmail.com'

Thanks once again for your kindness may God guide and reward you in all your endeavours as you make me realise my last dreams and wishes.

May you be blessed - Michael J. Ashley.