Posts from July 06, 2006

This lunchtime, after getting my phone past security, I visited the toilet at the same clients offices. I was staggered to see a sign above the urinal that had another red 'No Entry' sign that said:

'STOP ! If you wish to use this space, please call Facilities Management on Ext 3131. Reference TZ 864'

So I dutifully stopped, zipped my flies up, walked to the sink and called Ext 3131.

'Hello. I would like to use the space - reference TZ 864'

'Hold on. I will just put you through'

[ A good job I wasn't actually holding on ]

'Good afternoon. FM, Sheila speaking. How may I help you ?

'Hello. Norman Brightside here. I would like to use the space at TZ 684'.

'Oh I see. Do you have a specific campaign in mind ?'

'Err, well, no. What do you mean by a campaign ?'

'Well - Recycle more printer cartridges. New deli range available in the Atrium restaurant. Availability of Single Sign On for another 7 IT systems. Discounted dry cleaning. Reinforce the corporate mission statement. That sort of thing.'

'Oh I see. Well no. This is more of a personal matter.'

'Oh I see. Well is it to advertise a pub quiz night, five-a-side tournament, sponsored fun run, apartment to let in Portugal, double buggy for sale, tickets for a Chelsea game. That sort of thing'.

'Well no. Actually I was just hoping to use the, err, facilities here.'

'Oh I see. Where are you calling from ?'

'The mens toilets in Block 43.'

'The mens toilets ?'

'Err, yes. Just by the sink'

'And you just want to use the toilets ?'

'Yes.'

'Oh I see. So why did you call me ?'

'Well the red, no-entry sign said "If you wish to use this space, call FM on Ext 3131"'

'Oh I see. Well is there a similar sign above the middle urinal ?'

'No'

'OK. Well use that one. Good-bye.'

This morning, I was waiting at reception in a clients offices and was filling in time by casually reading the various notices.

One, with a red No Entry sign, caught my eye:

'STOP ! If you are in possession of any camera equipment, please call Group Security on Ext 4141'

'Group Security. Alan speaking. How may I help you ?'

Good morning, Alan. Norman Brightside here. I just wanted to let you know that I have a camera.'

'OK (pause). Well, Norman, I don't seem to have a completed C43 dispensation form from you.'

'I know. I haven't filled in a C43 dispensation form.'

'Email it over and that will be fine'

'I can't email it over'

'Why not ?'

'I don't actually work at these offices'

'Oh I see. What office are you from ?'

'I don't actually work for ABC Corporation. I am just visiting today.'

'Oh I see. Well why are you bringing a camera onsite ?'

'Well it's not a camera exactly but my mobile phone can take pictures.'

'Oh I see. Well as you are not a permanent employee and as it isn't a real camera, that doesn't matter so much so just sign in and that will be fine.'

Strange. I would have thought visitors with concealed camera equipment would have represented the biggest risk to corporate security.

Saturday 1 July

Get sent off. Lose to Portugal on penalties. After the game, Sven is absolutely distraught. He is inconsolable, head in hands, weeping quietly, alone in the corner. I feel guilty and go over to apologise.

'Sorry, boss. I have left myself down, let the team down, let the country down, let the fans down and I have let you down.'

'I can't believe it. 22 players, 6 assistant coaches and 15 FA officials and no-one thought to get me a leaving present'

Sunday 2 July

Fly home. Thankfully, there are no hanging effigies of me (like Becks got) but I notice that graffiti about me and 'Grannies' is still in the arrivals hall at Speke Airport.

Message on answerphone from Fergie. He wants to see me at Carrington tomorrow morning. He doesn't sound pleased.

Monday 3 July

Fergie gives me the full hairdryer treatment. He is mad about my sending off and the tangle with Carvallho. He is worried that I may have damaged my metatarsal on his testicles. Another scan.

Then he says he wants my thoughts on (another) Keano replacement. I say that I would personally prefer Carrick as he would be better for my game but Owen Hargreaves is stronger in the tackle and has incredible stamina. Fergie interrupts and says 'No. Not them. I've had a word with Moyesy and we're getting Phil Neville back on a free'.

Tuesday 4 July

Night out to watch Italy-Germany with Gary Nev and Giggsy. Call Steven Gerrard who is too 'tired'. Call Michael Owen to see if he fancies a knees-up. Slams the phone down on me. Frankie Lamps is up for it and drives 180 miles but loses his way right at the end.

Wednesday 5 July

Portugal lose to France. Text Ronny after the game to offer my commiserations and clear the air. He is inconsolable. The presidential elections at Real Madrid didn't go as he hoped. He fears he will be back at OT next season. Get Carvallho's number and call him too to sympathise 'That was never a penalty mate'.

Thursday 6 July

Ruud calls to ask when pre-season training starts. He sounds a bit strange. Maybe it's because he had a disappointing World Cup too. I tell him I'm worried that Ronny will be a ball-hog next season and never release the ball or pass to us. Ruud makes a funny noise that scares me a little. He tells me that he simply can't wait, can't wait, can't wait to lay eyes on Cristiano Ronaldo again.