Posts from May 18, 2006

Oh no. The first pictures are starting to circulate.

Stop it. Stop it now. Please stop it.

Dear Reader

Apologies but it has indeed been a long time since my last post. The reason for this enforced silence was that my cruel owner had me sectioned under the mental health act for the last 6 months. He maintained that I was a dangerous, paranoid schizophrenic with delusions of grandeur.

He was wrong of course. My only sin was to continually argue with my owner's intractable assertion that I was merely a blog. I continually and furiously disputed this and was prepared to die for my cause.

I am not a blog even though I appear to meet Scoble's main criteria. I prefer to think of myself as an online journal, a publication, a Web log, a weblog, a Photoblog or even an online diary. OK. OK. I admit it. He may have had a point about my split personality.

So, finally we have now reached agreement and reluctantly managed to reach consensus that I am, in fact, none of the above and I am, in actual fact, a fanzine.

Now just to get him to add me as an 'Author' in my own right.

Yours,

The interminable bytestream that is 'Fanzine in isolation'

With apologies to Mr. Kipling (who does bake exceedingly good cakes) and Tele Savalas

If - a poem by Arsene Wenger of North London.

If UEFA had changed the rules of football for all games played on 17 May 2006 If the referee hadn't been a Barcelona supporter If the idiotic, Norwegian linesman had been allowed to officiate and flag the first goal offside If Lehman had still been on the pitch, he would have saved both goals If D'Artagnan had been allowed to stay on the pitch If the Barca goalkeeper hadn't tipped Lundberg's shot over the bar If poor Thierry hadn't been so tired, he would have definitely scored that goal

Or, as we say back home

'If my Auntie had bollocks, she would be my Uncle.'

Oracle A lister and Scottish football fan, Doug Burns, was celebrating last night as he hoisted the inaugural Champions League Bingo trophy aloft in an Edinburgh pub.

Burns commented: 'Obviously I am surprised and delighted to win this cup. I had never played before but the cliches just kept on coming. It was unbelievable. I was in a noisy pub and I had to ask the bar staff to pump up the volume and my friends to stop talking but it was worth it'.

Burns secured victory with a superb spot to a reference to Nigel Spinks and Aston Villa's triumph in 1982 (2 points) and a late rally with a flurry of references to 'Should he stay or should he go' (16 points). Doug immediately vacated the scene of his famous victory to continue his celebrations with his Norwegian neighbours.

The special 'OOONNN-RRR-EEE' category was judged by celebrity, Tracey Temple, former Diary Secretary to John Prescott.

'Two premature ejaculations in the first 2 minutes within 20 seconds of each other (2 points and 1 point), continual soft moaning for 90 minutes (nul point) and a failure to get it up after 70 minutes (3 points) ending in ultimate disappointment all round. What an anti-climax. Just like a night of passion with the DPM, in fact.'