With apologies to Mr. Kipling (who does bake exceedingly good cakes) and Tele Savalas

If - a poem by Arsene Wenger of North London.

If UEFA had changed the rules of football for all games played on 17 May 2006
If the referee hadn't been a Barcelona supporter
If the idiotic, Norwegian linesman had been allowed to officiate and flag the first goal offside
If Lehman had still been on the pitch, he would have saved both goals
If D'Artagnan had been allowed to stay on the pitch
If the Barca goalkeeper hadn't tipped Lundberg's shot over the bar
If poor Thierry hadn't been so tired, he would have definitely scored that goal

Or, as we say back home

'If my Auntie had bollocks, she would be my Uncle.'