I just watched Arsenal beat Juventus 2-0 in the Champions League. I don’t support Arsenal. I don’t really care whether they win or lose. I only watched the game to kill two hours on a slow Tuesday evening in Newcastle. In March last year, however, I was also working away from home in Gothenburg (near Sweden), watching a different game I passionately cared about. Here is the barstool correspondent’s verdict on Inter Milan 1 MUFC 0. ...

I met a lady from Newcastle who is giving two children from Chernobyl a summer holiday in the UK. She told me that two weeks in this country adds two years to their life expectancy.

The courteous, cheerful, courtesy bus driver from the car park to Terminal 1 at London Heathrow Airport greeted me with: ‘Got your mobile phone safe, Sir ?’. Unfortunately, I was a little taken aback by this opening gambit and simply replied ‘Oh yes. I do. Thank you.’ Two minutes later, a better retort struck me ‘Yes. I left my flight tickets back in the office. I forgot to print the address of the hotel and my photographic means of identification is back at home but, yes, please rest assured my toy phone with its irritating ring tone is safely here in my pocket.’ ...

Student, indie, garage band who obviously love Blur and Half Man, Half Biscuit (but sadly lacking the humour) and then, one day, after missing a Physics lecture, the drummer comes in with a Macc Lads tape. No wonder they gave CD’s away free at their early gigs. I should have known better - always give a wide berth to any band who have ever been described in glowing terms by NME. ...

InterWeb. I think I first heard the term used, while working for a small Internet company, by an Aussie. I can’t recall whether we were laughing at him or he was laughing at us. Anyway, I now use ‘InterWeb’ at dinner parties, hotels and even in the work environment. People used to stare quizzically but, sadly, no longer. The term is now in common usage which somehow just makes it all the more amusing. ...

I am fortunate to find myself staying in a pleasant enough hotel in Newcastle upon Tyne. It is called the ‘Malmaison’ which is a little pretentious for my liking (for an unpretentious city where people wear T-shirts, white socks and mini-skirts in the depths of winter) but a colleague is also staying here and it does provide a clean bed and a shower which meets all of my simplistic requirements. ...

Last week, I had to buy a birthday present for somebody. So, quite early last Thursday morning, I found myself in a cavernous Tesco Extra Superstore. You could buy anything there at rock bottom (close to InterWeb) prices: digital cameras, MP3 players, Ipod’s, Plasma screen TV’s, DVD recorders, SmartCars, absolutely anything I must have looked purposeful and smart as an elderly couple mistook me for a Tesco employee and asked me where they might find bread and milk. I tried to be helpful and directed them to aisle 79 and gave them a pre-printed ‘Employee of the Month’ form to complete. ...

Just because Prince Philip confirms your hotel booking, don’t assume he will greet you at reception. He won’t. Just because a shopping mall is called Heron City and contains water features, don’t assume there will be herons. There won’t. Just because you spent an hour in a taxi telling the driver, you are flying on British Airways to London, don’t assume he will drop you at the correct terminal. He won’t.

I was just quietly unloading the dishwasher this morning, when my 10 year old daughter enters the kitchen and screams: ‘HE’S DEAD, DAD, HE’S DEAD. LOOK DAD. HE’S DEAD !’ Sure enough, Chewy, the 18 month old gerbil had got himself wedged in a Xmas wrapping paper tube. Being slightly narrower than a toilet roll, the poor thing had wedged himself in and was absolutely motionless with his bottom sticking out of one end. ...

Well it’s been a while but tomorrow I will be resuming my battle with BAA security staff as I pack my thermal underwear for a chilly Stockholm (near Sweden) where I am hoping the Queen’s husband will greet me at the hotel reception. I am giving a presentation (sorry, facilitating a workshop) imaginatively titled ‘Managing Siebel on Oracle’. This should be fun as this is completely new material and should include a lots of hands on practical work which inevitably will provoke a lot of questions and discussion. ...