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Please don’t tell Norma but, earlier this week, I spent £25 in Shagorika. Such is the life of a sad, lonely IT consultant on a slow Tuesday night in Sunderland. Unfortunately, contrary to my expectations, Shagorika turned out to be a rather mediocre, overpriced Indian restaurant rather than the sordid den of sexual iniquity I was hoping for. It took me a while to summon up the courage to cross the threshold. My nerves were soothed when I was warmly welcomed by a beautiful, flirtatious lady who led me by the hand to a cosy waiting area. She gave me a complimentary drink and asked me to wait a minute while she prepared a table. A table, not a bed ! How very exotic. ...

Two weeks ago, I sat in the business lounge at Newcastle airport. I chose a desk right in the corner away from everyone else because I am like that. Inevitably, the lounge filled up with business types trying to impress everyone else by speaking loudly on their slimline toy phones. A gentleman came and sat down next to me. He fetched an orange juice and two packets of delicious Kettle Chips (Sea Salt with crushed black peppercorns and Mature Cheddar and Chives) to occupy himself for the next 25 minutes. ...

Today, a gentleman approached me and politely asked if he could ask me a question. Normally, this dialog is a little more protracted and goes as follows: ‘Excuse me. Is your name Norman Brightside ?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘Do you work for Siebel ?’ ‘Yes.’ (although strictly I work for Oracle on the Siebel CRM product) ‘Are you from Expert Services ?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘Do you mind if I ask you a quick question ?’ ...