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Many years ago, in a parallel universe, I created a Web page that proclaimed:

'The fastest, most comprehensive Web search engine - AltaVista'

With the increasing domination of Google, it really is difficult to remember life back in the days when AltaVista was the only search engine in town and you were even considering sinking 500 quid of your hard-earned into the rumoured IPO. Maybe one day, another startup will come along and usurp Google's #1 position but somehow, I sincerely doubt it.

And if that search engine company turns out to be Ask, I hereby pledge to eat my underpants and buy everyone a season ticket at Manchester City (with complimentary powder blue and white scarf).

Duncan Riley of TechCrunch already posted an excellent summary on Ask's current, abysmal marketing campaign in the UK.

Listen, if you want to get ordinary people to use your search engine, don't use some subtle, understated, pretentious campaign ('Evolve Your Search') with pictures of Neanderthal man, costing millions of dollars, dreamt up by new media luvvies, wearing black shirts and no ties.

Ordinary people don't say: 'Ooh - that looks very interesting indeed. I wonder if that advert is a cryptic reference to a new, exciting search engine technology which will undoubtedly to help me find relevant stuff quickly on the Interweb. The Ask brand has now been subconsciously planted in my mind and I simply must remember to discuss this topic with the lads at work tomorrow.'

Ordinary people say: 'God there's some rubbish adverts on TV these days. Fancy a cup of tea, love ?'

Believe it or not, technically minded people have already heard of Live, Ask and Google and all those niche search engine players (incorporating Web 2.0 semantics).

Believe it or not, those technically minded people are in a tiny minority. They don't know it but they are.

You are not trying to get their attention. There's no point. They look down their nose at you. The only time they use Ask.com is the final choice to determine how many inbound links their tiresome blog has this week.

No, you are trying to get the attention of millions of desperate housewives, builders and silver surfers who have never heard of Google and have to ask their 12 year old son to dig up that Web site for holiday cottages in the Dordorgne. These people don't use IE7 and type their searches directly into the address bar.

A much better campaign would have been:

'Trying to find something on the Internet ? Go to ask.com.'

Black text on white background. Short and to the point. Quicker and therefore considerably cheaper and it probably would have delivered better results than this report from Hitwise suggests .

Well, let's face it - my campaign couldn't have been much worse; 3.69% market share and a staggering 13% down year on year). Come on Ask, only another 62% before you overtake Google.

So, don't Ask, just Google. Like everyone else.

Henry Spencer's unforgettable ‘10 Commandments for C Programmers

Once more, with feeling just for West Ham.

'He plays on the left, he plays on the right...'

MUFC > England.

Like most newly born WordPress.com bloggers, I keenly played with all the features and tirelessly experimented with the rich variety of horrendous 1, 2 and 3 column themes.

Then, I left home and bought a domain name from a geezer in the pub. The downward spiral continues into self-hosting and mixing with the wrong crowd. Inevitably, I stayed up late, dabbled in alcohol and drugs while installing every single plugin and widget ever created for WordPress.

You start taking ProPlus, pulling all-nighters and, unbelievably, start hacking PHP code.

Then, I grew up and became a man. I bought some slippers from M&S together with a pipe and grumbled away at the television ('You can't even hear what they are singing').

The stunning Barthelme theme was left unaltered. The platform was stable but you quickly run out of ready-made, cheap blogging material. Apart from a brief dalliance with pMetrics, Google Analytics silently continues to accumulate data, statistics, lies and damned statistics. You start to sleep in the afternoons and go to bed after the News.

Even the recent announcement of a WordPress statistics plugin for self-hosted blogs couldn't rouse me from my blissful slumber. Why bother with all that pesky download, upload, configuration and activation nonsense wasting valuable time and effort when Google Analytics will probably be revamped with colourful dashboards and a usable interface tomorrow ? And so it came pass. Yet another triumph for apathy.

Life was good. And then Scott Wallick had to spoil it by announcing a major overhaul of all his brilliant WordPress themes including V3.0 of the Barthelme theme. As the current version is an embryonic 1.2.2, you can't resist this temptation. After months of inactivity, you now simply have to act.

So you reluctantly risk RSI by typing on a keyboard again. You have to endure the tortuous download, upload and configuration process. Then you have to use the left side of your tiny brain to merge your changes only to discover that the blog looks exactly the same and only a CSS purist could tell the difference.

Everything that is apart from the 'Related Posts' widget which is now completely broken. You hesitate and consider conducting an exhaustive (and exhausting) search for a WordPress alternative that is compatible with Barthelme 3.0.

Then inertia holds sway, so you give up and reinstate the perfectly functional (if outdated and unfashionable) stunning Barthelme 1.2.2 and slump back in your chair.

The Guardian's Rob Smyth has a fascinating article where he eats humble pie and ranks Manchester United's nine Premiership titles.

Curiously enough, I have also given this matter a lot of thought over the weekend. I place this title second after Alex Ferguson's very first Premiership victory back in 1992-1993. Not because that team was better (it wasn't) but because of all the history, the expectation, the broken dreams, the false dawns in preceding 26 years and the satisfaction of lifting the title and finally knocking Liverpool off their perch.

However, I was living in hope rather than expectation for this campaign. Chelsea had won the title (easily) for the past two seasons and strengthened further with the summer acquisitions of Ballack and Shevchencko.

United had significantly paid over the odds for Michael Carrick. I questioned the wisdom of offloading Ruud van Nistlerooy and feared Paul Scholes' best days were behind him. I was convinced Ole's next goal would be in his testimonial and doubted Ferguson's assessment of Patrice Evra ability who I considered no better than Silvestre.

United had a fair share of luck in this campaign; Ferguson's squad remained injury free for the majority of the season, the goalkeeping error and Neville own goal at Everton, Vassell's missed penalty. The list goes on.

However, United did play some fantastic football this season (Fulham on the opening day, Roma, Bolton away) and Cristiano Ronaldo's first-half display against Bolton was absolutely superb. Playing and winning the United way.

Ferguson's luck deserted him towards the end of the season with injuries to a watertight defence coupled with Van der Saar's shattered nose (and confidence). The gulf between the sides in the two legged semi-final against AC Milan was embarrassing.

If Chelsea had won the title three years in a row, I think the gulf between them and the rest would have widened still further and been even harder to bridge. It's tempting to think Chelsea were decimated by injuries mid-season but they actually lost fewer games (3) than United and have an incredibly strong squad.

The various points totals from each campaign make interesting reading. United already have 88 points with two games left which is the third highest total (behind 92 points in 93-94 and 91 in 99-00). I think it illustrates how high Chelsea have raised the standards required to win the Premiership and what a fantastic achievement winning it really is.

Up The Reds !

Donncha showed me his so now I have to show him mine.

1. dixons duty free
2. andy c
3. dixons tax free
4. meaningful questions
5. virgin media v+ box
6. sky.com/anytime
7. heathrow duty free shopping
8. dixons duty free gatwick
9. duty free shopping heathrow
10. dbms_stats+siebel

Dear Paul

You are 32 years old and a fantastic footballer. You are still producing moments of breathtaking brilliance (lobbed pass for Rooney versus AC Milan).

You are one of my favourite players at Manchester United. However, let's face it. You can not tackle to save your life. If you get booked and United beat AC Milan tonight, you will miss your second European Cup Final.

This would be hard for me to take so God knows how you would feel. Remember how it felt to walk around the Nou Camp in 1999 with Roy Keane in those grey suits.

If you make two tackles, you are likely to get booked. If you make four tackles, you are certain to get booked.

So please, please have a word with Alex Ferguson and get Michael Carrick to concentrate on winning the ball and just pass it to you.

Yours faithfully

Norman Brightside (no relation)

Apologies for the delayed transmission but the events of last Saturday left me traumatised and deeply shocked.

You might find it hard to believe that a once great club has been relegated to Division 2.

You might even shed a tear for the diminutive, chirpy, cheeky Cockney who manages this football club.

You might hope and pray that this sleeping giant makes a rapid return to the heady heights of, err, the Championship.

You might remember the halcyon days of the 70's when they were undoubtedly the top club in the country.

You might feel sorry for the Chairman (aka Grandad Smurf) who ploughed thousands of pounds out of his own money into the club in a futile attempt to stem the tide.

You might empathise with their massive, dedicated, loyal, law abiding, long suffering 'supporters' and think 'Oh dear what a shame'.

You might remember the heady days just six years ago when they 'lived the dream' and actually reached a European Cup Semi Final.

You might wonder how this has happened just 12 months after the club were 90 minutes away from a return to the Premiership but narrowly lost out to the mighty, err, Watford.

You might but I don't. Good riddance to Leeds United.

How's your curry, darling ?

A blog post in the classic retro style of Dear Diary. Stay tuned next week for relationship woes, football reports, psychotherapy, unexpunged details on my health, teenage angst, my current mood, the music I am listening to and why I am going to be quiet for the next 13 days.

Or, as Mark E. Smith of The Fall, once said to requests for 'Bingo Masters Breakout'

'Are you still doing what you did 5 years ago ?'
'Yeah - well don't make a career out of it.'

Stagger downstairs for breakfast to find an early morning problem. The Virgin Media V+ box has rebooted overnight only it didn't reboot cleanly and is stuck on the 'Powering up' screen. Norman Junior III and Norma Jean have already initiated a disaster recovery plan and are glued to the standby database (2nd STB).

This is a major worry as the TV must be working by 19:45 tonight otherwise I face the prospect of watching AC Milan vs MUFC in the pub with a load of ABU's (Anyone But United). Politely ask the wife if she can call '150' to try to get it sorted.

Drive to Oracle's offices in Thames Valley Park near Reading. I have done a lot of commuting to customer sites recently but I can't work at home today as I am too nervous. In addition, my wife is also at home and I need to get some work done (rather than mow the lawn, take a tempting lunch in a sunny beer garden or diagnose a faulty smoke alarm).

Listen to TalkSport who are dissecting last night's game between Chelsea and Liverpool. My abiding memory of 120 minutes of tedious football is a fat Scouser holding 6 fingers up and another holding aloft a plastic European Cup.

Plastic Scousers. Plastic treble.

Power the laptop up and yesterday's mysterious Windows warning message 'You may have been a subject of counterfeiting' has disappeared as miraculously as it appeared.

Sign into Oracle Instant Chat. I am making a conscious effort to use this tool more regularly and more effectively.

Check email using Thunderbird. Nothing too important. A colleague is asking for help with a Siebel query from hell that runs fast in UAT and, wait for it, slow in production. The query plan and costs are almost identical so the solution isn't immediately obvious. Offer a couple of suggestions (check data volumes, check statistics and histograms, 10053 trace, Alert 1162).

Quick scan of RSS feeds using Google Reader. Couple of quick blog posts about 'Leeds, Leeds, Leeds' and contaminated curry.

Update document following a comprehensive and thorough peer review. Deliver final document to account manager. Add a couple of useful notes to TiddlyWiki: Metalink Note 391116.1 (10.2.0.3 Release Notes) and bug 5131645 (high parse times in Oracle 10.1.0.4).

Microsoft Word livens the morning up by crashing as I click 'Save' for the last time. I am not sure what the question is but I am convinced Microsoft Word is not the answer. I loathe the program with a vengeance.

During the Siebel takeover, rumours were rife that Oracle do not use any Microsoft products at all. This was supposedly because Larry Ellison steadfastly refused to pay Bill Gates a single cent in license revenues.

Guess what - this didn't prove to be the case. Most desktops and laptops at Oracle run Windows XP pre-loaded with Microsoft Office. However, Oracle do use open standards so employees are free to use the email client of their choice. Oracle also provide software (Oracle Connector) to provide an email interface from Microsoft Outlook to accommodate the sales and marketing department.

Update a second document. This is a much shorter document (site visit report) with thankfully fewer comments and corrections.

Book flights to Oslo using the online travel system for next two weeks. I get an 'Exception Report' because I booked a slightly more expensive direct flight rather than going via Amsterdam and arriving 3 hours later.

I am going to Norway on a 'deep dive' but I have subsequently learned this is a technical training exercise run by, err, me to provide knowledge transfer and actually perform some real-life data migration with a Siebel integrator rather than scuba diving. I have visited this customer before and they specifically asked for me to return which was a welcome compliment.

Return the favour by reviewing a colleague's document (yes I do read and write a lot of words in my job). He scratches my back and I scratch his even though it is a little hairy for my taste.

It is now 11:40 and I suddenly realise I have forgotten to turn my mobile phone on. 2 messages. The first is a scary, schizophrenic, psychotic madman saying in a dull, menacing monotone 'Get some bloody work done'. This unsettles me so much I think it is a Leeds fan, my manager or a disgruntled Web 2.0 'A' lister and I immediately consider turning the phone off again.

I also have two text messages and a voicemail from my lovely wife, Norma. 'TV not working. Phone now broken. InterWeb down. Virgin man coming. Call me'. This is serious - a complete and catastrophic loss of digital services. On the night of the European Cup semi-final.

Then I remember. The phone line was very crackly last night so the 'Get some work done' message was a test message from myself to myself. Phew. I am not being stalked after all.

Resume document review.

Interrupted by a call from Frank, the Virgin Media engineer. He is initially puzzled by my professional business-like greeting: 'Norman Brightside - Oracle Expert Services. How may I help you grow your business ?'

Frank is in his white van, en route to my house and calls me to clarify which services are working. He wondered if all services are down and whether some idiot had been doing some overzealous gardening and simply severed the cable.

I tell him that I am at work but my wife is at home and she reports that the second TV is still working. I inform him that the last time I did any gardening was September 1991 but I do possess an axe.

Once again, I stress the importance of the main TV being functional by 19:45 for the most important match of the season. He roars with laughter and replies he is a very happy Liverpudlian and understands the importance of the task. I gently enquire whether his tools are made of plastic. He roars with laughter and holds 6 fingers up (which I can't see).

I work in building 550 alongside a group called 'License Renewals' who just do what it says on the tin. The people working here probably bring more revenue into the company during a single telephone call than I do in a calendar year.

Then I call the wife and tell her to prepare the metal shackles and heavy chains. I suggest that she deflates the tyres on Frank's van while claiming to be making him a lovely cup of coffee.

Back to the document review. This is a very detailed review about tuning Siebel data loads on Oracle 10g. A excellent, comprehensive document packed with technical information and useful strategies. Make a mental note to plagiarise most of this material and claim the credit for myself.

Norma calls again. Frank has fixed the V+ box already. This is absolutely amazing customer service. What on earth is going on at Virgin Media ? A engineer onsite within 2 hours of the call and he has already fixed the first problem.

Frank has also noted some error codes on the diagnostics screen and offers to replace the V+ box. Before he does so, he wants to ensure I am happy to re-enter my 'Planned Recordings' which will be lost. I tell him to swap the box and I will reluctantly re-program 'Relocation, Relocation, Relocation', 'American Idol' and 'Dragon's Den'.

Skip lunch in favour of water as I have 4 stone of blubber to sustain myself.

Stop procrastinating and embark on 4 weeks worth of expenses. A tedious, unbelievably time-consuming but necessary task involving lots of receipts, paper jams, printing, sellotape, envelopes and photocopying.

Courtesy call to customer I am visiting tomorrow (LoadRunner performance testing which is normally great fun).

Wife calls. Our hero, Frank, has now resolved the issue with the telephone line. Apparently, water had damaged one set of cables so he has re-routed to use the second set. The root cause remains unknown. Frank suspects the ongoing building work outside which seems a likely candidate although, confusingly, he agrees the builders have not interfered with the cables from the road to the house.

Finally prepare to leave office. Need to allow extra contingency of 3 hours to allow for traffic delays, earthquakes, road rage attacks, acts of God, or M3 lane closures that could prevent me getting back to my armchair before 19:45.

Everything was just going too well. Inevitably, fate suddenly dealt me a cruel and unexpected card. I was thwarted by a schoolboy error. In my rush, I foolishly fed a hotel bill together with a stapled credit card receipt into the office photocopier. The inevitable paper jam (Lift tray 3, turn green knob, release paper jam) meant lengthy and serious internal surgery. By the time, I finally extracted the bill, it was in 73 separate pieces. So was the photocopier. So was I.

I called the delightful Malmaison hotel in Oxford to ask for a copy of my bill. Thankfully, for once, technology came to my rescue. The kind lady faxed the bill directly to my office extension and it miraculously appeared in my Inbox as a TIF attachment. I noted that the Malmaison bill is headed 'DAMAGE'. Pretentious, moi ?

Conference call with customer about clustering and high availability options for Siebel.

Finally, the expenses are submitted, the ToDo list and the Inbox are both empty and I am free to go home. I pick up my complimentary copy of Oracle Scene on the way out. Yet another perk of working for Oracle. At least, I hope it's complimentary.

With no more distractions, the nerves, the tension, the excitement and the sense of anticipation slowly continue to build.