I don’t know if all the clever Spanish people who study English leave the country or whether translators aren’t very well paid in Spain but here’s some amusing signs from my recent holiday in Marbella. ‘Deposit all remainders here’ - Malaga airport. I duly placed ‘2’ in the receptacle. This was left over when I was testing Norman Jeane and asked her to quickly divide 12 by 5. ‘Millionaires - Private Gentleman’s Club. Members only. Please always use rear entrance’ - Puerto Banus. ...

With no Premiership or Championship fixtures at the weekend, I went along to watch my local non league club, Kingstonian FC, play on Saturday afternoon. Kingstonian play in the Isthmian League which is a regional league below the Conference (sponsored by Ryman so also known as the Ryman League) and were hosting Margate. It was great to be able to saunter round to the half way line and watch the match from behind the dugouts. It was great to hear the coaches urging their players on and engaging in gentle banter with the match officials - ‘Here Lino - that [offside] had to be bloody close !’ It was refreshing to be able to walk into the bar and get a drink at half-time. ...

‘Where’s the crane then ?' We had just embarked on our summer vacation to sunny Marbella (near Spain) and were sitting on the shuttle bus taking us and our suitcases from long stay parking to the North terminal at Gatwick airport. ‘Sorry what did you say ?' ‘The crane that gets the cars - where is it ?' As I pondered what on earth my intelligent teenage son was on about, I sensed other passengers on the bus pricking up their ears in interest. The bus was now deathly quiet, in a very British way, as the small audience attentively and patiently waited for the next exciting exchange in this bizarre conversation. ...

On Tuesday morning, as I stood on a hot, sweaty, overcrowded South West Train destined for London Waterloo, I happened to notice a pretty, young lady reading a magazine telling her what to wear, how to style her hair and how to look. As I finally emerged from Bank station, the thoughts of skinny, overpaid, drug taking women as some sort of bizarre role model continued to rattle around my head. Inspired I decided to put my thoughts down on paper - or rather brickwork. ...

Just pulled some ancient, fuzzy photos from my toy phone including one that captures a wonderful notice in a toilet in an unnamed, anonymous, large corporation looking for significant financial savings in Q4. In 2009, we spent £75,000 unblocking toilets at HQ. Items found included: plastic cups oranges sandwiches newspapers magazines underwear There were around 250 incidents like this. I never purchased an orange from that canteen ever again.