Recent Posts

Friday

Can I touch them ?

'No. Not yet.'

'Look - it's been four months now. When can I touch them ?'

'Not yet. I've already told you, I'm not ready'.

Sunday

'Please can I touch them ?'

'No - not yet. Just a couple more days. But you can help me, if you like.'

'Oh what is it now ? The footy's on in a minute.'

'Listen. Forget about the god-damned football for just one minute. Put your pole in here now because I want to drape them all around your pole.'

Crikey - this was like birthday, significant anniversary, Christmas and the last 5 minutes of the 1999 European Cup Final rolled into one. What a superb, generous, unsolicited and unexpected offer !

'Norma-Jeane, Norma-Jeane - set the V+ to record the footy - channel 511, will you ?'

I rammed my pole home hard and wiggled it about a little to ensure is was erect and vertical.

'Is that it ? Now what ?

'I am going to tie three knots at the base, in the middle and on the top of your pole. Pass me that green twine.'

Now I'm open minded and all for experimentation. Just as long as it doesn't end in autoerotic asphyxiation. Especially with my asthma.

'OK - that's not too bad. Now what ?'

'We wait for a couple of days.'

Wednesday

'Maybe I could just hold one - just for a second ?'

'No. Just a couple more days. It'll be worth the wait, I promise.'

Saturday

'OK - I'm ready. Shall we take one each ?'

Finally, the moment has arrived and the waiting is over. I breathed deeply, leant forward and took the forbidden fruit (the left one) in my hand.

'What do you think ?'

'It is just beautiful; firm, pert, round, perfect shape and just the right size.'

'Do you want to bite it - but just gently ?'

I certainly didn't need a second invitation and slowly brought it up to my mouth. I paused to savour the smell and marvelled as I stroked the smooth skin, devoid of any blemishes.

I bit - a little too hard. I heard a gasp and a soft moan.

I felt an explosion of liquid in my mouth. I was taken to another place. I closed my eyes. I was in heaven.

Then, I suddenly realised I had seed dripping down my chin.

'What are you pulling that stupid face for ? Go and pick six more ripe ones for tea. Oh - and you've got tomato juice all down your work shirt.'

So, if you want to save money in these tense, difficult economic times and rejuvenate your sex life, grow your own tomatoes.

I like most sports but I hate rugby union with a passion for the following reasons:

At (Grammar) school, I was forced to play rugby because it was somehow viewed as 'character building'. On a cold, wet autumn day, a sports master took one look at me and grunted 'You. Second row'. I then proceeded to grab the crotch of the boy in front of me while a boy behind me grabbed my crotch. I then had to insert my head between the thighs of two boys in front of me.

If the scrum didn't collapse, which meant we had to start the prolonged mating ritual all over again, eight lads would eventually extract our body parts and look across the wet, muddy field in the hope that someone was running somewhere with the ball. Of course, this never happened and the sports master would be screaming 'Scrum it down, 'ere' so we would have to run to the prescribed point (the only exercise we got all afternoon) and start all over again. Brilliant, 'character building' stuff.

At University, the Union Sports bar was notable for one thing only. It was only hostelry out of the 27 available that was open during the early afternoon hiatus between 2pm and 4pm. Consequently, we spent a lot of time there - not because we played any competitive sport representing the University but because we liked to drink all day long, if at all possible.

Our long, wide ranging philosophical discussions were often interrupted (particularly on a Wednesday) by people standing on the tables, singing bawdy songs, loud and out of tune. As the afternoon proceeded, various items of clothing would be discarded until they were fully naked, singing their stupid, crude rugger bugger songs while we discussed urgent, pressing, important matters of global interest (which bar should we adjourn to next). That was just the women's first XV - things only got worse when the blokes arrived fresh out of the showers,

And the final reason that rugby union is a complete joke - the disciplinary code

• Spear tackle (holding someone upside down and smashing their head into the ground which could potentially kill them) - no action.
• Eye gouging (twisting your fingers hard into someone's eye socket which could result in the loss of an eye surprisingly enough) - 8 week ban.
• Feigning injury to seek a tactical advantage - 4 month ban for player (reduced from 12 months after digging the dirt), 3 year ban for coach, 2 year ban for physio, £260,000 fine for club.

17 August 2005 - Started life on Blogger.

12 October 2005 - Moved to self-hosted Blogger

13 November 2005 - Moved to hosted WordPress.com.

30 September 2006 - Purchased domain name and moved to self-hosted WordPress.org

01 July 2007 - Adsense appears.

29 August 2007 - One of many crises of confidence where I nearly shut down the blog and deleted all content.

19 January 2008 - Adsense disappears.

15 February 2008 - Moved from WordPress to Habari.

This humble blog is four years old today so tonight I will be taking Blog in isolation and some of its closest friends to LazerQuest (Mega Death Match Party Edition with Pizza and gallons of Coca Cola to ensure the kids are well and truly revved up).

Everyone loves meaningful statistics so here is a pretty chart of posts by month (for all you management types):

Curiously, since I returned from my holiday, I seem to have rediscovered a little of my zest for blogging. Also, I have a feeling that things are gradually turning full circle. My initial decision to dip my toe in the water was prompted by reading and enjoying the writing of other people and I sense that element is slowly returning. More recently, reading blogs had turned into mindlessly hitting 'J' in Google Reader as fast as humanly possible simply in order to say 'Done'.

Over the weekend, I spent time enjoying some brilliant posts from the dusty archives of one of my favourite UK bloggers - Diamond Geezer (pseudonym alert). This, in turn, (via his blogroll) led to the discovery of a handful of other interesting and downright funny UK blogs. I have bemoaned my failure to find decent UK blogs more than once - maybe I just didn't look hard enough or in the right places.

Before my holiday, I was experimenting once again with Tumblr and Posterous and while these services may have a place for a rapid fire linkblogs, scrapbooks and ready made, easy blogs (for people who don't know or care what a blog is), I suspect that posts I made there were simply posts I could have equally made over here. But I was too lazy.

Blogging takes time. Blogging is difficult. Blogging is time-consuming.

Firstly, you have to think of a subject. Then you have to waste time thinking up all the words. Then you have to login. to your blog Then you have to actually type all the words in. Then you have to endlessly preview and endeavour to fix all your typos and grammar. Then you have to add an image to spice things up and break the article into logical sections for your reader (just like the 'Blogging 101 Guide' says). Then you have to add tags. Then you have to monitor and reply to all comments. Then you have to publicise it.

Yes - blogging is hard. So much easier and a lot quicker to hit 'Like' what someone else has produced.

Ironically, the well publicised death of FriendFeed sparked my interest and I was briefly active again over there, providing counselling services to the bereaved.

So, what does all of this mean for the next four years of this blog ? God knows.

Memories of the annual summer vacation are now fading, the digital photos have been rationalised and printed, the video footage remains on the camcorder (thankfully) and the entries for 'Holiday Highlights' have now been received and short-listed.

Norma - 'So many memories. Catching up with friends and family, the climate, the lifestyle, The awesome scenery of the Bungle Bungles, the idyll that is Hamilton Island, sailing to Freemantle, cuddling a Koala, the endless miles of white sand and blue sky at Cable Beach.'

Norman - 'When Norma spotted the first kangaroo in the wild but couldn't tell anyone because she was squatting down in the bush, having a pee.'

Norman Junior III - 'When we were having that lovely Aussie sing-song on the 4x4 truck, we ran out of songs and there was a brief silence until Dad piped up with 'Maybe it's because I'm a Londoner.'

Norma Jeane - 'Free Internet access and those little drawers where you can charge cameras, phones and iPods at Singapore airport.'

Auntie Vera - 'When Norma mounted the kerb while driving the beach buggy on Hamilton Island. And nearly ran that lady over.

Theres been a lot of chatter recently about Feedburners support for the PubSubHubbub protocol.

Apparently, it means that blog posts show up much quicker in FriendFeed, Google Reader and other services. I must admit I was fairly sceptical as my posts still take a couple of hours to appear.

However, I was wrong (again). Look at this recent example. The post showed up a full three and a half hours on Google Reader before I published it.

Apparently, the next release will read your mind, type the words in, link to relevant pictures and publish your blog entries automatically. It's called the 'real-time Web'.

Recently noticed a couple of additional HD channels now available on Virgin Media.

• C4 - not that much of a bonus.
• ESPN - will broadcast all the football matches previously screened by Setanta - in High Definition - at no extra cost. Superb.

Slightly irritating that Virgin Media can send me a fun packed newsletter (via email) but don't have a blog or sensible way of communicating this useful information to me.

Mum and Dad

Having cool time on Crete (geddit ?) with Bazzer, Nobby, TenBob, SickNote and the three Ss.

Sun = wicked. Sea = wicked. Sex = wicked (geddit ?). Loadsa Brits out here. Able to get The Sun delivered. Happy hour - all day long (nudge, nudge).

Last night, I asked a bird if she fancied a ride on my very own 'banana boat'.

She slapped me (just like being back at home :-) then she poured sambuca all over me balls.

I went: 'Hey - hang on love, let's get back to me hotel room. There's people watching here, innit ?'

Then she got a lighter and set fire to me balls. Ouch.

Bazzer said I should have said 'OK - I suppose a shag's out of the question then ?' but I was diving into the swimming pool.

Will be laid up in hospital for a bit (but I won't be getting 'a bit' for a while - geddit ?).

Hope to be out by Thursday as Julian's taking us all to Knossos for the day.

Luv ya - Stuart.

This is a quick test to check that Habari is no longer adding additional paragraph tags and random line breaks for people consuming this blog in a feed reader.

Both of you.

Many thanks to arthus (possible pseudonym alert) aka Morgante Pell (additional pseudonym alert) for creating the plugin that made this possible and the death of autop().

Garry Tan, a developer for Posterous (a simple but powerful blog platform), wrote a brilliant post about product design.

Are there any questions? I said yes -- one last one: "When do we decide to remove features?"

In a similar vein, Amit Agarwal asks 'What's Common Between an iPod and Google ?' Answer: Simplicity.

If I had a cube, I would print both articles out and pin them up.