The primary DNS server at Malmaison went down earlier this evening for two hours so I called reception and uttered the following question: ‘Ou est l’InterWeb, si’l vous plait ? The kind lady replied ‘Whay ya say, InterWeb down, aye - we know like, Ha’way. Do you want a canny bag o’ Tudor as compensation, bonny Lad ?’

Tom Kyte has some favourite quotes so here are some of mine. Are you still doing what you did 5 years ago ? Yeah ? Well, don’t make a career out of it ? (Mark. E. Smith) All over Battersea, some hope and some despair (Morrissey) As she parts her greying hair, voices on the stair (The Chameleons) Every twenty minutes on the Appalachian Trail, Katz and I walked further than the average American walks in a week (Bill Bryson) ...

I just watched Arsenal beat Juventus 2-0 in the Champions League. I don’t support Arsenal. I don’t really care whether they win or lose. I only watched the game to kill two hours on a slow Tuesday evening in Newcastle. In March last year, however, I was also working away from home in Gothenburg (near Sweden), watching a different game I passionately cared about. Here is the barstool correspondent’s verdict on Inter Milan 1 MUFC 0. ...

I met a lady from Newcastle who is giving two children from Chernobyl a summer holiday in the UK. She told me that two weeks in this country adds two years to their life expectancy.

The courteous, cheerful, courtesy bus driver from the car park to Terminal 1 at London Heathrow Airport greeted me with: ‘Got your mobile phone safe, Sir ?’. Unfortunately, I was a little taken aback by this opening gambit and simply replied ‘Oh yes. I do. Thank you.’ Two minutes later, a better retort struck me ‘Yes. I left my flight tickets back in the office. I forgot to print the address of the hotel and my photographic means of identification is back at home but, yes, please rest assured my toy phone with its irritating ring tone is safely here in my pocket.’ ...