I don’t know whether this is genuine but, if so, I am gravely disappointed that I missed it. I wonder if Smith was in the same state as his infamous (incoherent) appearance on Newsnight after John Peel’s death.

In response to Chelsea’s recent acquisition of Michael Ballack and continued pursuit of Schevchenko, Manchester United are widening the search for a world class striker to replace Ruud van Nistelrooy. Damn. We so nearly got him.

Oh no. The first pictures are starting to circulate. Stop it. Stop it now. Please stop it.

Dear Reader Apologies but it has indeed been a long time since my last post. The reason for this enforced silence was that my cruel owner had me sectioned under the mental health act for the last 6 months. He maintained that I was a dangerous, paranoid schizophrenic with delusions of grandeur. He was wrong of course. My only sin was to continually argue with my owner’s intractable assertion that I was merely a blog. I continually and furiously disputed this and was prepared to die for my cause. ...

With apologies to Mr. Kipling (who does bake exceedingly good cakes) and Tele Savalas ‘If’ - a poem by Arsene Wenger of North London. If UEFA had changed the rules of football for all games played on 17 May 2006 If the referee hadn’t been a Barcelona supporter If the idiotic, Norwegian linesman had been allowed to officiate and flag the first goal offside If Lehman had still been on the pitch, he would have saved both goals If D’Artagnan had been allowed to stay on the pitch If the Barca goalkeeper hadn’t tipped Lundberg’s shot over the bar If poor Thierry hadn’t been so tired, he would have definitely scored that goal ...