A superb photograph of England’s (own) goal in the World Cup opener versus Paraguay.

I don’t think I could have a higher opinion of any footballer than I already had of the Irishman, but he rose even further in my estimation at the Stadio Delle Alpi. The minute he was booked and out of the final he seemed to redouble his efforts to get the team there. It was the most emphatic display of selflessness I have seen on a football field. Pounding over every blade of grass, competing if he would rather die of exhaustion than lose he inspired all around him. I felt it was an honour to be associated with such a player.' ...

‘I am really sorry that we have 125 German tourists staying in the hotel.’ The waitress actually meant ‘Sorry for the delay but we have…’ but it still reminded me of Fawlty Towers and raised a smile

Psst. I have managed to beat the banning order and have now safely arrived in Stockholm (near Sweden). I evaded the hordes of police spotters at Heathrow by checking in immediately behind a screaming infant with a glum face (me not the baby). I also sported a linen jacket and a laptop to complete my cunning disguise. I was proudly telling a group of German ladies from Munich (World Cup widows) of my escapades in the confines of the hotel lift. There was a lengthy pause and they all looked really interested (or perplexed) until a Deutsche Fraulein uttered: ...

Someone recently asked me at a dinner party: ‘So, Norman, tell me what you do in life ?’. I spontaneously replied: ‘I help people read books’. The lady (for it was a she) exclaimed: ‘Oh how absolutely fabulous. You are a teacher’. ‘Err, well, no. I actually work in IT’. ‘Oh I see. You work in training. Why didn’t you just say so ?’ ‘Err, well no. I am a sort of IT consultant’. ...