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‘Burns - I guess this means I can book the hotel for four nights and cancel the flights to OpenWorld then ?

It was 10:30 am on a dull, grey overcast Monday morning in Manchester. Sherlock Burns and Doctor Timothy Hall had just emerged from a fractious, tense kick-off meeting at Tiger Telecom. Sherlock Burns and Dr. Timothy Hall had been called by the IT director at short notice to investigate a sudden and marked degradation in the performance of the production database

‘No. On the contrary, Doctor Hall. Please ensure the Hackney carriage is booked for 4pm together with two first class tickets for the return train journey to Euston. I have every confidence this case will be solved by lunchtime. This time tomorrow we will be on a plane to California.'

‘But Burns - we just sat through a 90 minute meeting with no obvious solution. Why, I do declare, the customer can't even articulate the problem clearly and all the project team are arguing with each other. How on earth -'

‘Dr. Hall - do you recall the pretty chart showing the 'Key Business Transaction Response Times' ? What did you observe ?'

‘Err - I believe it was Excel 2007 and used a fancy pivot table…'

‘No, no - not that. Didn't you look closely at the X-axis ? The timeline of the monitoring process was every 10 minutes. After August 15th, the granularity of the dots changed to every 10 seconds. This coincided with the performance problems and undoubtedly means the frequency of the monitoring probe was modified resulting in the increased load on the system.'

‘Oh Burns - that truly is absolutely magnificent. How did you spot that ?'

‘Obvious Dr. Hall, blindingly obvious. I suspect you will find someone, somewhere has got his asterisks mixed up when he editted the crontab. A common failing when you try to convert Windows support staff to the superior Unix platform. Now as we were brought through the office by our host and walked through the call centre area, what did you notice ?'

‘Well Burns - I noticed a lot of pretty girls wearing headsets. That blonde, in particular, was stunning -'

‘No, no - I'm talking about the plethora of 'New Hire Induction Guide' on their desks. Tiger Telecom has obviously hired all these people recently which is also contributing more load to the system.'

‘No - Burns - that can't be right. You specifically asked them in the meeting what had changed recently and they all insisted: 'Nothing. Absolutely nothing.'

‘That's why we are here, Dr Hall. Unless you saw it with your own eyes it didn't happen. Another factor at play here is the Senior Oracle DBA. He is incompetent and must be replaced immediately.'

‘Oh Burns - how can you say that ? He seemed like a lovely bloke to me and don't forget he bought us our Latte's.'

‘Shut up Hall. What did you notice on his desk ?'

‘On his desk ? Well nothing apart from that rather amusing 'You don't have to be mad to work here but it helps' postcard and a photo of his wife sunbathing in Crete….'

‘No, no. I'm talking about the technical books on his desk. He had a pile of Oracle books - all the usual suspects; Kyte, Lewis, Milsap and Antognini. But on the very top of that pile was a curious tome - 'Oracle Tuning - The Definitive Reference Second Edition' by Donald Burleson. No self respecting Oracle DBA would have that combination of books. That alerted me that something was amiss.'

‘Oh come off it, Burns. I think you're putting 2 and 2 together and making 5 here. That's very unfair -'

‘Dr. Hall. I opened the Burleson book up and noted the following inscription on the inside cover: 'Barry - all the best in the future and may your redo logs always be multiplexed :-)' Therefore I conclude this gentleman was dismissed from his previous post as a contract DBA following an unfortunate, and ultimately fruitless, exercise in media recovery. On a production system for an investment bank.'

‘Ah OK, I see, Burns. While we're discussing the technical staff, I just wanted to mention that PL/SQL developer. I think he needs to be sacked too.'

‘Interesting, Dr. Hall. Why do you hold that opinion ?'

‘Well - when you asked him how much source code, how many lines of PL/SQL, how many packages he'd written, he couldn't produce anything. Nothing. And to think he calls himself a 'PL/SQL developer. He's obviously an imposter.'

Burns smiled inwardly.

'Not so fast, young, keen, impetuous Doctor Hall. While what you say is true, the young man did proffer a explanation for this. He showed me a source code repository populated with comprehensive, well written and tuned SQL scripts. Why - I do declare he even used Analytic functions. Young Mr. Barnstormworth justified his stance thus: “If it can't be done in a single SQL statement, use PL/SQL. If it can't be done in PL/SQL, use a Java Stored procedure. Otherwise consider ‘C'.”

Dr. Hall looked amazed as Burns had solved another mystery and he hadn't even had to chat with the Head of IT Operations.

‘Now my good man. That's more than enough work for one morning. I am ready to eat now and rather appropriately, I think I spotted a 'Pret A Manager' adjacent to the offices where we can discuss my forthcoming ‘State of the Nation' keynote presentation at Oracle OpenWorld.

The ‘Council Of War' was duly reassembled at 3pm and Sherlock Burns took a long drag on his pipe before addressing the group:

• ‘Fix the monitor probe interval.'
• ‘Sack the Oracle DBA.'
• ‘Promote Daniel Barnstomworth to 'Senior VP of Database Engineering'.
• ‘Deploy another RAC node by the end of the year to cater for the increased user base.'
• ‘Here's my invoice. Good Bye'.

I dont know if all the clever Spanish people who study English leave the country or whether translators arent very well paid in Spain but heres some amusing signs from my recent holiday in Marbella.

‘Deposit all remainders here' - Malaga airport.

I duly placed ‘2' in the receptacle. This was left over when I was testing Norman Jeane and asked her to quickly divide 12 by 5.

‘Millionaires - Private Gentleman's Club. Members only. Please always use rear entrance' - Puerto Banus.

Superb English. Nothing wrong with it at all. I suspect Finbarr Saunders of Viz was commissioned for this wonderful sign.

‘Please wait 3 minutes before pulsating' - water bottle dispenser in public car park in Ronda.

I am ashamed to say I could only last 2 minutes and 43 seconds before spontaneously and rapidly pulsating. The car park attendant looked at me a little strangely.

With no Premiership or Championship fixtures at the weekend, I went along to watch my local non league club, Kingstonian FC, play on Saturday afternoon.

Kingstonian play in the Isthmian League which is a regional league below the Conference (sponsored by Ryman so also known as the Ryman League) and were hosting Margate.

It was great to be able to saunter round to the half way line and watch the match from behind the dugouts. It was great to hear the coaches urging their players on and engaging in gentle banter with the match officials - ‘Here Lino - that [offside] had to be bloody close !' It was refreshing to be able to walk into the bar and get a drink at half-time.

Unfortunately, the football served up in the first half was rather nondescript with Margate having the bulk of possession but creating relatively few chances.

After the break, Kingstonian offered a little more threat, particularly down the left side through full back Tom Bird and midfielder Dean Lodge and Margate were thwarted by a couple of great saves from Rob Tolfrey in the Kingston goal.

Against the run of play but to the delight of the assembled 400 home spectators, Kingstonian nicked a goal and 3 points with a well taken goal from Lodge after 84 minutes. Kingstonian are now joint top of the Ryman League, trailing local rivals Sutton United on goal difference.

‘Wheres the crane then ?

We had just embarked on our summer vacation to sunny Marbella (near Spain) and were sitting on the shuttle bus taking us and our suitcases from long stay parking to the North terminal at Gatwick airport.

‘Sorry what did you say ?'

‘The crane that gets the cars - where is it ?'

As I pondered what on earth my intelligent teenage son was on about, I sensed other passengers on the bus pricking up their ears in interest. The bus was now deathly quiet, in a very British way, as the small audience attentively and patiently waited for the next exciting exchange in this bizarre conversation.

‘Sorry, son but what on earth are you talking about ?'

‘Well - we came to one of these massive car parks at this airport a few years ago when we went to Florida…'

‘Yes - I remember. It's because it's cheaper than getting a taxi and more convenient than catching the train.'

‘Yes. Well back then I looked at the massive car park area packed with loads of parked cars. Row after row of parked cars, all tightly crammed in, and I asked you 'How do they get the cars out when people return from their holiday ?'

I listened intently together with the other thirteen people on the ‘Summer Special' shuttle bus and sensed the driver was also now captivated.

‘And you (nods in my direction) told me that a massive crane swung round to the correct row, dropped down to the exact position, lifted up the car, rotated back round and slowly lowered the car precisely into position on the exit lane.'

I made a spluttering noise as I tried to stifle my laughter. ‘Sorry. I said what ? No, no - I never said that.'

Norma Jeane now piped up ‘Oh yeah - I remember now. You did say that.'

People looked away. I could see them thinking ‘Oh - look at that tall, handsome teenage boy. He looks perfectly normal but he actually attends Special School and now his selfless parents are taking him away for a lovely holiday.'

‘So - where's the crane then ?'

‘Norman Junior - listen. I might have said that as a joke when you were 6 years old but the cars are parked in lanes according to the date and times when people are scheduled to arrive back at the airport. For example, all the cars for tomorrow will be parked in lane 27 with cars belonging to people getting back in the early morning parked at the front. Then the men just drive the cars round ready for people as they arrive.'

‘Oh - so there's no crane then ?'

‘No - sorry son but there's no crane.' I could no longer contain myself and burst out laughing.

My son looked disconsolate and fell silent.

‘Son - you haven't told any of your mates at school this little story, have you ?'

‘Nah. All that worries me now is how many other little stories you've told me over the years.'

On Tuesday morning, as I stood on a hot, sweaty, overcrowded South West Train destined for London Waterloo, I happened to notice a pretty, young lady reading a magazine telling her what to wear, how to style her hair and how to look.

As I finally emerged from Bank station, the thoughts of skinny, overpaid, drug taking women as some sort of bizarre role model continued to rattle around my head. Inspired I decided to put my thoughts down on paper - or rather brickwork.

Exclusive, signed, numbered prints are now available for just £8,995. If you look very carefully, elements of the tie have been shaded using some of Peter Doherty's blood.

Just pulled some ancient, fuzzy photos from my toy phone including one that captures a wonderful notice in a toilet in an unnamed, anonymous, large corporation looking for significant financial savings in Q4.

In 2009, we spent £75,000 unblocking toilets at HQ. Items found included:

• plastic cups
• oranges
• sandwiches
• newspapers
• magazines
• underwear

There were around 250 incidents like this.

I never purchased an orange from that canteen ever again.

Last night, Sky News played audio footage of Raoul Moats last moments. This included detailed analysis of the sounds by an expert of the three ‘gunshots and some idle chit-chat about whether someone was screaming ‘Aaarrgh - my arm (Moat) or ‘Get the firearm (police officers).

No matter what Moat was or what he had done, that was simply a step too far and unacceptable in my opinion.

This broadcast was not in the public interest and breached the standards of normal, common decency.

The media should not have been allowed within 2 miles of the standoff with police, let alone allowed to film and record the final moments of a man's life.

They would probably produce Bryan Devendorf of The National.

• Plays the drums barefooted.
• Takes the demo tapes and composes the drum sections.
• Writes intelligently.
• Drums immaculately.
• Performs his own, separate soundcheck.

All things considered, I'm very glad I'll be witnessing The National live again at the Brixton Academy on Wednesday 1 December.

A tragic story is unfolding in the North of England with a gunman on the run after killing one person and seriously injuring two more (his ex-girlfriend and a traffic policeman) following his release from prison last Friday.

Obviously, the police are doing everything to apprehend Raoul Moat safely without any further loss of life. However, as Moat claims he has ‘lost everything' and is determined to ‘wage war on the police', it's not clear this episode will reach a peaceful conclusion.

On Tuesday, the town of Rothbury was locked down; a two mile exclusion zone was put in place, schools were closed and residents were told to stay indoors as Northumbria police thought they were closing in on the armed and dangerous suspect.

However, two days later, Moat is still on the loose so the town of Rothbury has now been reopened with a very visible police presence on the streets.

I'm not sure how I would have felt popping to the corner shop for a newspaper and a pint of milk, to find policemen stood at every corner given Moat's declaration to ‘keep killing police until I am dead'. Far from being reassuring, this police presence would probably scare me even more.

‘Norma, love - you couldn't just pop out and get some milk, could you ? Thanks.'

The British media may have given the impression in recent weeks that we considered the German national tootball team to be a rather workmanlike, efficient, collection of young talent coupled with experienced internationals but lacking in imagination and devoid of much creative talent.

Some less respected elements of the British media may have given the impression that England's recent, comprehensive 4–1 defeat by Germany was somehow a freak result that was purely the result of a refereeing error that denied England an equaliser.

However, after Germany's dismantling of Argentina and yet another comprehensive 4–0 thrashing of Diego Maradona's team packed full of world class striking talent, we are pleased to correct our previous error and apologise for any offence caused.

We now acknowledge that Germany are the best footballing nation in the World, rivalling the wonderful Brazil size of 1970.

We would like to issue a heartfelt apology to Bastian Schweinsteiger for all those silly jokes we made about the translation of his name (‘Pig Porker').

We would like to retract fully the ‘Typical Germans' comment made by a certain Sir Alex Ferguson of Stretford, near Manchester after Bayern Munich had eliminated Manchester United from the Champions League.

We would also like to offer a fulsome 100% apology to Miroslav Klose who has now equalled the number of goals scored in World Cup tournaments by Gerd Muller. We withdraw fully the thinly veiled, insane accusation that Emile Heskey would somehow produce more goals during this tournament.

We also would like to clarify the endless piss taking about the oh so stylish blue polo neck shirts sported by the German manager, Joachim Low. The blue polo neck sweater is a stylish fashion statement and reflects the smart, modern but casual manner of the way Germany plays the beautiful game. Contrast this with Fabio Capello's featureless, dour, stiff grey suit.

Die deutsche Fußballnationalmannschaft - World Cup semi-finalists yet again. We salute you !

But we still hate Michael Ballack.