‘Sorry Sir but I haven’t done my homework because I have really bad stomach ache.’

How the big clubs approach the problem… Manchester United - Alex Ferguson chooses to invite Jose Mourinho to the boardroom to share a bottle of expensive Portuguese wine. Pointedly applaud United fans who chant ‘Your coat’s from Matalan’ on the way to the tunnel. Then shut up and assemble a team that actually looks capable of challenging Chelsea. Liverpool - Appeal to the House of Lords, the Citizen’s Advice Bureau and the European Court of Human Rights after Mourinho has the audacity and bare faced cheek to put his finger to his mouth after a Chelsea goal in the Carling Cup Final. Hold a annual 5 minute silence at Anfield for all those fans suffering post traumatic stress disorder as a consequence. ...

In the 1980’s, some ladies chose to wear dark trouser suits and blouses in an effort to match their male counterparts in the workplace. This fad was known as ‘power dressing’. One of my least favourite films is ‘What Women Want’ starring Mel Gibson. I also thought Kurt Cobain looked pretty cool in a dress and Dave Grohl managed to carry off wearing a bra (and a baseball cap) without looking ridiculous. ...

Tuesday - An empty black hold-all crashes to the floor from its precarious position on top of the wardrobe alongside miscellaneous Christmas packages. Wednesday - A full length mirror falls and rotates through 180’ from being propped up against the fireplace and sandwiched against a box of files. I tried to reproduce the path the mirror must have taken but there simply isn’t enough room for the mirror to have fallen the way it did. ...

‘Oh aye Janice, listen. When my Dougie gave up smoking, the transformation was miraculous. He seemed like a new man. It was absolutely fantastic. His breath was fresh and clean. His teeth were gleaming white and he just seemed to have much more energy. Why, one day, he even smiled. And, Janice, let me tell you, my Dougie became a tiger in the bedroom, if you know what I mean.’ ...