Posts in category "UK"

Dad - please can I have 5 pounds ?

If I were to give you the 5 pounds, what exactly would you spend the money on ?

'I'm going into town to buy Emma a CD for her birthday.'

'...but surely 5 pounds won't be enough.'

'Well Mum gave me 15 pounds but I can get the CD for 8 pounds from Tesco'

'Oh I see. Now you've got me interested. You have already secured seed funding from an angel investor. Net margin close to 100%. What will your turnover be in years 2 and 3 ?'

'Oh just forget it. I'll use some of my babysitting money.'

[In a amazing development, the entrepreneur reveals she has a second business which she hasn't even disclosed]

'What babysitting money ?'

'I got 20 pounds for babysitting for the Barnstormworths last Saturday night'

'Why the Barnstormworths ?'

'Well they pay the most and I always babysit when Mrs Barnstormworth is driving'

'What do you mean ?'

'Well - it's 3.75 pound an hour but if Mr Barnstormworth has been drinking, he can't do the sums for quarters of an hour so he just rounds up to 5 pound an hour.'

'Any plans to grow the business ?'

'Well Mum said next year, I could babysit in mid-week if my homework was finished and after midnight the rate doubles'.

'OK. Let me tell you where I stand...'

'Dad - please can I just have 5 pounds or I'll miss the bus ?'

'I like the sound of the business model but the valuation is simply ridiculous so I am prepared to make you an offer of 4 pounds for 10% equity in the CD racketeering business and 40% equity in the babysitting company. '

[After this astounding and unexpected turnaround, this young person looks to have secured the funding]

'However there is one important fact that you have completely overlooked a fatal flaw...'

'What's that, Dad ?'

'You won't have any time for babysitting as you'll be staying in looking after Norman Junior while me and your mum go out and enjoy ourselves. This service will be completely free of charge. Therefore, I am withdrawing my offer. You didn't pitch well. You don't have a viable business plan. You don't know anything about

CRM.

You're young and inexperienced. You don't listen to advice. So that's it. I'm not interested in working with you and I'm certainly not interested in investing so I'm out.'

'Mum - can I have 5 pounds ?'

Whats going on ere, then ?

Woof.

There are more signs, warnings, instructions and speed limits in Richmond Park than the nearby South Circular.

The Parks Police really are destroying the park for all those who simply want to enjoy it.

1. Steve Irwin - You had a passion for wildlife that truly brought it alive.
2. Andre Agassi - You sobbed uncontrollably on a tennis court.

Congratulations to Paula Radcliffe who is pregnant.

Lets just hope she doesn't give birth squatting down on the roadside.

Dear Red Lorry

You are a similar size to yellow lorry. You are a similar weight to yellow lorry. You have a similar size engine to yellow lorry.

When yellow lorry slows down going up an incline, the laws of physics mean that you are also likely to slow down. Consequently, there is little point attempting to overtake yellow lorry. Unless you shed your trailer or engage turbo boost mode, you will simply hog the middle lane. You may eventually pass yellow lorry on the flat after 17 minutes and 9.4 miles. Alternatively, you may have to abort the manoeuvre and lose face.

So please just sit behind yellow lorry and unwrap another man-size Yorkie.

Yours sincerely

Motor car

Just returned from the annual torture of the seemingly simple task to renew two parking permits. Yes folks, we have to pay for the privilege of parking our cars in a nearby road, miles from our house.

To secure the parking permits, you need a wad of paperwork. In fact, you probably need to produce fewer documents to adopt a Romanian orphan. If you have two vehicles registered to one person but used by two different people, the documentation requirements and level of complexity increases exponentially.

This year, I didn't do too badly. I only had to make two separate trips and enjoyed one lengthy, heated discussion. Despite this, my paperwork was still deficient in two areas but the kind lady let me off with a thinly veiled warning: 'I'll issue the second permit on this occasion but next year, please ensure you bring everything with you.'

TechCrunch (with a focus on the UK) launches.

[Via BlogHerald]

Norton Canes Services - M6 (Toll). Three clocks behind the till:-

Clackett Lane - 13:59
Norton Canes - 13:57
Watford Gap - 13:58

You genuinely could not make it up.

I was enjoying a stroll along The Embankment yesterday morning, dressed in my Pearly King outfit, listening to ChasnDave tunes on my iPod, munching on cockles and mussels, when I noticed banners hanging from each lamppost proudly proclaiming We are Londoners'.

The letter 'D' was shrunk to accommodate the rest of the letters. Just like a kid writing a Thank You letter to Auntie Joan and suddenly realising he's going to run out of space.

Inevitably, this brilliant campaign is the brainchild of Ken Livingstone and sponsored by British Gas so if you pay the congestion charge or are struggling to meet the recent increases in your gas bill, rest assured your money is being spent very wisely.

Or, as Doug once memorably commented: 'And your point is ?'

All together now - 'Knees up Maather Braawn'.