Posts in category "UK"

I was fascinated by the Can Gerry Robinson fix the NHS series broadcast on BBC2 this week.

Not because I learned a lot about how the NHS works. Not because I was staggered at the simplicity of Robinson's approach. Not because I was surprised that Robinson managed to implement various changes to significantly reduce waiting lists at a Rotherham hospital in just 6 months.

I was fascinated because I have encountered so many of those issues, heard so many of those quotes verbatim and met so many of those stereotypes during 20 years in IT.

• The people who meet any sensible suggestion for improvement with an array of negative reasons why that simply won't be possible.
• The people who estimate that implementing a simple change will take months to implement.
• The retort of 'That will need another meeting to be set up.'
• The senior management who haven't got a clue about the real issues faced by people working on the shop floor.
• The people actually using the system know what the real issues are.
• The lengthy, directionless meetings which agree to 'do something' but don't assign ownership or commit to a date.
• The expensive use of 'management consultants' to tell senior management what they already know.
• Cost cutting in the very areas that need extra resources.

The ultimate irony is that having implemented the changes, re-motivated the staff and significantly reduced the waiting lists, every single poorly person in Yorkshire will now forcefully insist that their GP immediately refers them to Rotherham General Hospital. Consequently, the waiting lists will rocket, Brian James will lose his job, the consultants will revert to their old ways and the job freeze will be reinstated.

However, Gerry Robinson and the BBC will be invited back to film a second series.

Two paltry efforts by yours truly to brighten up everyones morning in the Brightside household.

1. I decided to hoist my boxer shorts as high as humanly possible in the style of Borat (although, disappointingly, mine are black not lime green). You can only imagine my wife's surprise and delight when she (finally) emerged from the bathroom to be greeted by this unexpected and wonderful sight.

2. Fifteen minutes later, following a dramatic and rapid transformation, I have changed into an immaculate dark suit, freshly pressed, crisp white shirt and an expensive Italian silk tie. I lurk outside the lounge door humming the theme music from James Bond. The volume reaches a explosive crescendo and is climaxed with 'The Man With The Golden Gun'.

I complete my preparations by carefully removing my weapon from the black leather sheath and taking off the safety catch. I burst into action and storm into the lounge announcing myself with the immortal words 'My name is Bond - James Bond'.

Then I unleash a burst of rapid fire from my gun to eliminate the three intruders lurking at the bay window followed by a head-shot to eliminate the heavily built Russian henchman, cunningly hidden under the ironing board in the playroom.

I athletically dive to the ground and shoot down the expensive crystal glass candelabra. I throw an impressive triple roll across the carpet to avoid the falling glass. I stand up to reassure the petrified children 'Don't worry. You are both safe now.' Finally, I demonstrate yet another feature of my pump-action machine gun. I casually flick a switch and the telescopic shaft extends, clicks and plumes into a black umbrella.

'Dad. Move. Your stupid umbrella is blocking the telly.'

Americans see nothing but gloom and doom on the horizon in 2007.

No hang on - wait a minute. From the same poll, Americans are optimistic and hopeful for the coming year.

• January - new sofa
• October - new kitchen table and chairs
• November - new coffee table

I just hope and pray that I don't have to set foot inside a furniture store (or worse, Ikea) in 2007.

Hung from the gallows and simultaneously shot from a camera phone.

Cousin John called with best wishes for the New Year and just wanted to mention the Billy Connolly double CD. He was absolutely delighted with this thoughtful gift and was looking forward immensely to listening to it in the car.

I graciously accepted his thanks and reciprocated by thanking him for my M&S Men's Grooming Set complete with black leather carry case. I assured him that when we next meet, my nasal hair will be trimmed, my bushy eyebrows will no longer meet in the middle and my ears will be fluff-free.

Then he went and spoiled it by claiming 'Just one small problem, Norman. There were no actual CD's inside the case.' He kindly offered to send the empty case back so once again, I am condemned to make the trek into town, fighting with all the bargain hunters, to stand in a refund queue that spans 0.8 miles and requires external (armed) security guards to police.

As an interim measure, I asked him whether he could just enjoy the liner notes and look at the photographs until I manage to resolve the problem.

Norma was horrified. She immediately asked me to call Uncle Robert (lucky recipient of Tony Hancock's Half Hour audio CD). Unfortunately, Uncle Robert also ripped off the wrapping and expectantly opened the CD only to find an empty jewel case with a mysterious note attached: 'More in cupboard.'. He duly went to the cupboard but didn't find any CD's.

I told him this CD captured Hancock's greatest and most surreal work; the ultimate in silent comedy rather than a sick joke by us.

Sorry Sir but I havent done my homework because I have really bad stomach ache.

In the 1980s, some ladies chose to wear dark trouser suits and blouses in an effort to match their male counterparts in the workplace. This fad was known as power dressing.

One of my least favourite films is 'What Women Want' starring Mel Gibson. I also thought Kurt Cobain looked pretty cool in a dress and Dave Grohl managed to carry off wearing a bra (and a baseball cap) without looking ridiculous.

So, in the interests of equality and as a concerted effort to break down social and gender stereotyping, I decided to visit a client today wearing a dress. It started out pretty well with several wolf-whistles from builders on the way to the station.

However, it simply took me an age to arrange everything in the right place to get my photograph taken for my visitors pass and people tended to stare at me, look distractedly out of the window and avoid eye contact (more than usual).

The whole exercise was a very interesting experiment but, suffice to say, one that won't be repeated.

The disciplinary hearing is on Friday afternoon which also means I will miss the Christmas party. Sigh.

Tuesday - An empty black hold-all crashes to the floor from its precarious position on top of the wardrobe alongside miscellaneous Christmas packages.

Wednesday - A full length mirror falls and rotates through 180' from being propped up against the fireplace and sandwiched against a box of files. I tried to reproduce the path the mirror must have taken but there simply isn't enough room for the mirror to have fallen the way it did.

Thursday - A digital cordless phone in the kitchen spontaneously develops a faulty connection on the rocker switch and beeps incessantly. Yet another interrupted night's sleep.

Even more spooky, each occurrence happened at 03:58 precisely.

Time to call Yvette Fielding and get the Most Haunted crew around.

Oh aye Janice, listen. When my Dougie gave up smoking, the transformation was miraculous. He seemed like a new man. It was absolutely fantastic. His breath was fresh and clean. His teeth were gleaming white and he just seemed to have much more energy. Why, one day, he even smiled. And, Janice, let me tell you, my Dougie became a tiger in the bedroom, if you know what I mean.'

Some Scottish men were mistakenly prescribed Viagra instead of anti-smoking pills but some mean spirited pharmacist noticed just in the nick of time.