Posts in category "UK"

Last Friday, Norman Junior III emerged from his bedroom, looked mournfully at me and pronounced in a quiet voice: Dad - Ive got the three red rings of death.

'Just have an aspirin and sit down quietly for a bit. Your mum will be back soon.'

'No Dad - not me. It's my XBox. It has the dreaded three red rings of death and won't boot.'

And so we embarked on a prolonged saga that involved a fruitless hunt for a two year old receipt that revealed plenty of interesting long lost items but not the actual receipt from Game.

Then I contacted Microsoft about the prospect of repairing a faulty console that was out of warranty and had subsequently fallen by £100 in price.

Much to my surprise, Microsoft told me that, for this specific hardware fault, the warranty had been extended to three years.

Microsoft checked the date of manufacture from the serial number, confirmed the box was eligible for the extended warranty and asked me to courier the faulty console, free of charge, back to their service centre in Frankfurt, near Germany for repair.

Microsoft sent me the necessary paperwork to ship the XBox to Germany using UPS. In turn, UPS sent me a package label, invoice, receipt and an export certificate.

I then booked an appointment with UPS to collect the games console at my convenience.

And all of this was accomplished without speaking to a single human being - except for Norman Junior III who is doing well and making a fine recovery after going 'Cold Turkey' from Call Of Duty.

It all sounds too good to be true...

Spontaneously.

Do you think we used enough dynamite there, Butch ?

On Saturday night, BBC2 broadcast a retrospective on The Office and broadcast all of Series 1 together with soundbites from the creators (Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant), the cast (Martin Freeman, Mackenzie Crook, Lucy Davis) and celebrity fans (Ben Stiller, Christopher Guest, Matthew Perry, David Baddiel, Richard Curtis).

My favourite episode of Series 1 is 'Staff Training' for all the normal reasons and for this rendition of 'Free love on the free love freeway' - I just love the harmonising from Gareth at 1:24 ('She's not dead').

Virgin Media email has been down for 48 hours and counting...

I am not looking forward to explaining this (again) to Norma tonight. She seems to hold me personally responsible and keeps asking 'What is wrong, why haven't they got in touch, why is it taking so long to fix it and when is it going to be fixed ?'

This is a complete CRM disaster from Virgin Media. No meaningful updates in over 2 days.

Can you imagine the fuss in the blogosphere if Gmail was down for just a couple of hours ?

Most companies I viist have a (subsidised) coffee shop so I am used to waiting for my morning coffee and hearing a wide variety of exotic concoctions called out to the eager, caffeine starved workforce.

• 'Large Mocha'
• 'Tall, skinny Latte'
• 'Overpriced Tea'
• 'Decaf Americano'
• 'Espresso with an extra shot'
• 'Frothy Cappuccino with extra froth'
• 'Pomegranate Peach Frappuccino'

But this morning, I was privileged to hear a new and exciting drink announced.

'Grandee Hot Water'

Friday

Can I touch them ?

'No. Not yet.'

'Look - it's been four months now. When can I touch them ?'

'Not yet. I've already told you, I'm not ready'.

Sunday

'Please can I touch them ?'

'No - not yet. Just a couple more days. But you can help me, if you like.'

'Oh what is it now ? The footy's on in a minute.'

'Listen. Forget about the god-damned football for just one minute. Put your pole in here now because I want to drape them all around your pole.'

Crikey - this was like birthday, significant anniversary, Christmas and the last 5 minutes of the 1999 European Cup Final rolled into one. What a superb, generous, unsolicited and unexpected offer !

'Norma-Jeane, Norma-Jeane - set the V+ to record the footy - channel 511, will you ?'

I rammed my pole home hard and wiggled it about a little to ensure is was erect and vertical.

'Is that it ? Now what ?

'I am going to tie three knots at the base, in the middle and on the top of your pole. Pass me that green twine.'

Now I'm open minded and all for experimentation. Just as long as it doesn't end in autoerotic asphyxiation. Especially with my asthma.

'OK - that's not too bad. Now what ?'

'We wait for a couple of days.'

Wednesday

'Maybe I could just hold one - just for a second ?'

'No. Just a couple more days. It'll be worth the wait, I promise.'

Saturday

'OK - I'm ready. Shall we take one each ?'

Finally, the moment has arrived and the waiting is over. I breathed deeply, leant forward and took the forbidden fruit (the left one) in my hand.

'What do you think ?'

'It is just beautiful; firm, pert, round, perfect shape and just the right size.'

'Do you want to bite it - but just gently ?'

I certainly didn't need a second invitation and slowly brought it up to my mouth. I paused to savour the smell and marvelled as I stroked the smooth skin, devoid of any blemishes.

I bit - a little too hard. I heard a gasp and a soft moan.

I felt an explosion of liquid in my mouth. I was taken to another place. I closed my eyes. I was in heaven.

Then, I suddenly realised I had seed dripping down my chin.

'What are you pulling that stupid face for ? Go and pick six more ripe ones for tea. Oh - and you've got tomato juice all down your work shirt.'

So, if you want to save money in these tense, difficult economic times and rejuvenate your sex life, grow your own tomatoes.

I like most sports but I hate rugby union with a passion for the following reasons:

At (Grammar) school, I was forced to play rugby because it was somehow viewed as 'character building'. On a cold, wet autumn day, a sports master took one look at me and grunted 'You. Second row'. I then proceeded to grab the crotch of the boy in front of me while a boy behind me grabbed my crotch. I then had to insert my head between the thighs of two boys in front of me.

If the scrum didn't collapse, which meant we had to start the prolonged mating ritual all over again, eight lads would eventually extract our body parts and look across the wet, muddy field in the hope that someone was running somewhere with the ball. Of course, this never happened and the sports master would be screaming 'Scrum it down, 'ere' so we would have to run to the prescribed point (the only exercise we got all afternoon) and start all over again. Brilliant, 'character building' stuff.

At University, the Union Sports bar was notable for one thing only. It was only hostelry out of the 27 available that was open during the early afternoon hiatus between 2pm and 4pm. Consequently, we spent a lot of time there - not because we played any competitive sport representing the University but because we liked to drink all day long, if at all possible.

Our long, wide ranging philosophical discussions were often interrupted (particularly on a Wednesday) by people standing on the tables, singing bawdy songs, loud and out of tune. As the afternoon proceeded, various items of clothing would be discarded until they were fully naked, singing their stupid, crude rugger bugger songs while we discussed urgent, pressing, important matters of global interest (which bar should we adjourn to next). That was just the women's first XV - things only got worse when the blokes arrived fresh out of the showers,

And the final reason that rugby union is a complete joke - the disciplinary code

• Spear tackle (holding someone upside down and smashing their head into the ground which could potentially kill them) - no action.
• Eye gouging (twisting your fingers hard into someone's eye socket which could result in the loss of an eye surprisingly enough) - 8 week ban.
• Feigning injury to seek a tactical advantage - 4 month ban for player (reduced from 12 months after digging the dirt), 3 year ban for coach, 2 year ban for physio, £260,000 fine for club.

Recently noticed a couple of additional HD channels now available on Virgin Media.

• C4 - not that much of a bonus.
• ESPN - will broadcast all the football matches previously screened by Setanta - in High Definition - at no extra cost. Superb.

Slightly irritating that Virgin Media can send me a fun packed newsletter (via email) but don't have a blog or sensible way of communicating this useful information to me.

Mum and Dad

Having cool time on Crete (geddit ?) with Bazzer, Nobby, TenBob, SickNote and the three Ss.

Sun = wicked. Sea = wicked. Sex = wicked (geddit ?). Loadsa Brits out here. Able to get The Sun delivered. Happy hour - all day long (nudge, nudge).

Last night, I asked a bird if she fancied a ride on my very own 'banana boat'.

She slapped me (just like being back at home :-) then she poured sambuca all over me balls.

I went: 'Hey - hang on love, let's get back to me hotel room. There's people watching here, innit ?'

Then she got a lighter and set fire to me balls. Ouch.

Bazzer said I should have said 'OK - I suppose a shag's out of the question then ?' but I was diving into the swimming pool.

Will be laid up in hospital for a bit (but I won't be getting 'a bit' for a while - geddit ?).

Hope to be out by Thursday as Julian's taking us all to Knossos for the day.

Luv ya - Stuart.

You see - Thora Hird. I am aware of her work. You fancy her.