Posts in category "travel"

I enjoyed these quotes from airline staff with a sense of humour (via Tom Kyte).

A couple of years ago, I was on a British Airways flight that was making its final approach to some anonymous airport in Scandinavia.

Quite suddenly and without any warning, the landing was aborted. The plane stopped descending, quickly started to climb, levelled out and then resumed a familiar, circular holding pattern.

I was a little perturbed but no-one else seemed bothered as though this was perfectly normal so I stopped screaming, apologised to my immediate neighbours, dabbed the sweat from my brow with a napkin and picked up my copy of 'High Life'.

The pilot announced:

'Ladies and Gentlemen. You have probably noticed that we have been unable to land and are in a now holding pattern. This is because the aircraft in front struck a bird during landing and the ground staff are currently clearing the runway of debris so it is safe for us to land. British Airways apologises for the delay to your onward journey and the inconvenience caused. However, please spare a thought for the poor bird.'

Of course, the last sentence was my input but what a glorious, wasted opportunity.

Last night, I flew to Stockholm airport. I stayed overnight in a hotel at the airport.

Today I went to a meeting in a conference centre at Stockholm airport. I talked, listened, answered a few questions and asked a few questions.

Then I flew home from Stockholm airport.

18 hours in Stockholm and I never left the airport complex. Weird.

I was at my desk at 09.05 this Monday morning. Nothing extraordinary there but considering I live in South West London and this particular desk was in Newcastle, this represented quite an achievement.

And this prompt start was only possible due to a considerate, thoughtful taxi driver.

I ordered a taxi at 05.45 on Monday morning. I slept downstairs on the sofa bed to avoid disturbing the household at that unearthly hour.

I got up at 05.30. The taxi driver rings my doorbell at 05.35. The following conversation ensues in hushed whispers. Thankfully, for his sake, it is quite hard to get really angry in a hushed whisper.

'What time is the pickup ?' '5.45'
'What time is it now ?' '5.35'
'Why have you rung the doorbell ?'
'To let you know I am here'
'Why have you just woken my wife and children up at half five
in the morning ?'
'Oh. Sorry'

And with that, he returned to wait in the taxi and any hope of a (paltry) tip disappeared into the chilly morning air.

On the return flight from Newcastle to Heathrow, I was sitting behind a family who were lucky enough to be going to Sydney, Australia for a holiday. I was immediately behind two young lads (8 and 6). Obviously both were very excited at flying for the first time.

They were excited when we pushed back, they were nervous when we accelerated down the runway and they were delirious when we left the ground.

The lads were absolutely amazed when they could see the houses, rivers, mountains, railway tracks and motorways from 20,000 feet. Forty five minutes later, as we descended below the cloud base, the two boys took in the sights of London. The excitement of the youngest lad now reached fever pitch.

'Look Paul, Big Ben. Paul. Look there is Big Ben'

I glanced across. I couldn't see Big Ben but I could see a church in Richmond.

'DAD LOOK THERE IS WEMBLEY STADIUM. LOOK DAD ! WEMBLEY STADIUM'

I glanced across. I couldn't see Wembley Stadium but I could see Twickenham. Gear down. Airport complex in sight.

** 'MUM, DAD, PAUL. LOOK ! LOOK ! THERE IS SYDNEY OPERA HOUSE. SYDNEY OPERA HOUSE. LOOK !' **

I glanced across. The little boy was right. Off to the right - Sydney Opera House.

Or, in my case: Hello BMI, Goodbye BA.

Last Monday, my flight to Newcastle was cancelled and the later one was delayed. When I re-booked at Ticket Sales, I asked whether I could make use of the business lounge as a gesture for the inconvenience caused by the delay.

Ticket Sales said that might be possible and to ask at Fast Bag Drop. Fast Bag Drop said that might be possible and to ask in the Business Lounge.

Business Lounge stared at me disdainfully, in complete disbelief (even though I was wearing a suit and carrying a laptop) and said: 'But, Sir, you do not have a business class ticket so that simply will not be possible'.

When I explained my case again, the lady replied 'But Sir, if we admitted every delayed passenger into the Business Lounge, there would be (cash from) chaos'. I nearly asked 'How many delayed passengers have come here today and asked for access to the lounge ?' but instead I meekly accepted defeat.

Two hours later, when I finally got to the boarding gate. I asked a different lady: 'Can I quickly ask about the possibility of compensation for the delay ?'

She stared at me disdainfully, in complete disbelief as if I had asked whether this flight was going to Mars. She replied 'I'm sorry, Sir. Could you repeat that ?' So I did. She said 'Who told you that you could enquire about compensation ?' 'No-one' 'So why are you asking about compensation ?' 'Well there was a notice at Fast Bag Drop stating that for delays for over 2 hours, passengers should enquire at the gate about the possibility of compensation'. 'Oh I see. So why are you asking about compensation ?' 'Well my original flight was cancelled and this one has also been delayed so the total delay is now 2 hours and 15 minutes' 'Yes, Sir, but this delay is caused by the weather. There is no compensation payable for delays caused by the weather'.

Of course, I knew this but thought it would be worth asking just to see her reaction.

The courteous, cheerful, courtesy bus driver from the car park to Terminal 1 at London Heathrow Airport greeted me with: 'Got your mobile phone safe, Sir ?'. Unfortunately, I was a little taken aback by this opening gambit and simply replied 'Oh yes. I do. Thank you.'

Two minutes later, a better retort struck me 'Yes. I left my flight tickets back in the office. I forgot to print the address of the hotel and my photographic means of identification is back at home but, yes, please rest assured my toy phone with its irritating ring tone is safely here in my pocket.'

It is dull, grey, wet and somewhat blustery in London and when I get to the 'Fast Bag Drop' desk, I am informed that my flight to Newcastle has been cancelled and I am unable to drop my bags here at any speed.

Instead, I am redirected to the BA ticket sales desk to (hopefully) get booked onto a later flight. When I reach the head of a very orderly, polite, silent, British queue, I am cheerfully greeted with 'Do you know what is going on, Sir ?' which is a very deep, meaningful, thought provoking and unexpected question.

Infuriatingly, I missed another gilt edged chance for a witty response and just said 'It is raining and windy so I heard a few flights have been cancelled so I need to book onto a later flight to Newcastle'.

15 seconds later, I realised the optimal reply should have been 'Nope. I haven't got the foggiest clue what is going on. The realisation is slowly dawning on me that my manager, colleagues, friends (and my wife) have indeed been correct all these years. I simply do not have a clue. However, please, rest assured, that I do have my mobile phone safe and sound.'

But before I could spit the words out, the BA gentleman told me exactly what was going on. 'Well, Sir. That is only partly correct. ATC (that is - Air Traffic Control) have limited the number of inbound and outbound flights to the airfield (I'm positive he called one of the busiest airports in Europe an 'airfield') due to inclement weather conditions. Consequently there are many cancellations and even the flights that are getting away are still subject to lengthy delays'.

And, in a very British way, I thanked him for these glad tidings.

Just because Prince Philip confirms your hotel booking, don't assume he will greet you at reception. He won't.

Just because a shopping mall is called Heron City and contains water features, don't assume there will be herons. There won't.

Just because you spent an hour in a taxi telling the driver, you are flying on British Airways to London, don't assume he will drop you at the correct terminal. He won't.

Well it's been a while but tomorrow I will be resuming my battle with BAA security staff as I pack my thermal underwear for a chilly Stockholm (near Sweden) where I am hoping the Queen's husband will greet me at the hotel reception.

I am giving a presentation (sorry, facilitating a workshop) imaginatively titled 'Managing Siebel on Oracle'. This should be fun as this is completely new material and should include a lots of hands on practical work which inevitably will provoke a lot of questions and discussion.

Only one major decision is outstanding. Should I use the white (understated, lighter, easy on the eye) template or the (dark, moody, almost Gothic) black corporate template ?

Anyone who has seen Oracle presentations should know what I mean. Tom Kyte tends to use White. Most glossy S&M/keynotes use Black. Guess what - I think I have just solved my dilemma.

You can save lots of time and get even more things done by checking in online for your flight at www.britishairways.com.

You can even change your allocated seat (sometimes) which is useful as BA will always allocate an aisle seat if your preference is window and vice-versa. Version 2.0 of the BA site (June 2006) will even include a brief description of your prospective neighbour in order to help you with this difficult choice.

You can also print out your boarding card on your 12 year old dot matrix printer. This means you can skip the short queue at the BA self service kiosks and immediately proceed to the lengthy queue for the curiously misnamed 'Fast Bag Drop'.

However, a word of caution to all you GTD'ers. Wait for the printout to fully emerge and carefully check the output before leaving the BA web site. Secondly, always, always click the 'Click here to print boarding card' icon to avoid potential embarrassment.

Do not be tempted to think that because you work in IT, you know better and it will be far quicker to simply right-click 'Print This Page' to save another 2.4 milliseconds in an effort to get things done.

Trust me. I did it and because I don't know what a 'frame' is, I found myself presenting a rather unusual boarding pass at the British Airways desk that simply said:

"Click the 'Print Boarding Pass' button (you idiot) to print"

I just think everyones out to get me.

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Please, please don't let it be the BAA security staff from T4.