Posts in category "football"

The latest update in this occasional and very popular series.

I am currently working in the delightful city of Bern, near Switzerland. I have been here a couple of times before and last April I watched United beat Barcelona 1-0 in the Champions League semi-final thanks to a great goal from Paul Scholes.

Unusually for me, I watched that game with a colleague. Unfortunately for him, I don't think I was very good company. Well, I mean - who really wants to discuss whether 'late delivery of the extracts pose a serious risk to the success of the project' when you're watching your team play in the crucial second leg of the European Cup semi-final.

Anyway, last night I returned to the same haunt to see United take on the Barcodes at St James' Park. The venue for the night's entertainment was Mr. Pickwick which is a sports bar with the obligatory football scarves and photographs adorning the walls, serving English beer (London Pride) and Guinness with three large TV screens.

I wasn't entirely confident that the United game would be televised as I knew it wasn't being shown by Sky or Setanta back in dear ol' Blighty. As I enter the hostelry, it doesn't look too promising; football is being shown but, alas, the TV's are only showing 'Young Boys of Bern' and highlights from the German Bundesliga.

I confidently order my customary pint of 'Feldschlosschen' and enquire if there's any chance the United game will be on. The helpful gentleman behind the bar tells me 'Oh yes - Manchester will be on at 9 o'clock'. He then rather unhelpfully short-changes me by 10CHF which I successfully challenge.

OK - so it's 19:43, the match kicks off at 19:45 and we're going to get the United game in 15 minutes. So I grab a barstool and nervously kill time, watching 'Young Boys of Bern' play in front of a very meagre crowd (10, 758)

For some reason, I find the 'Young Boys of Bern' a very amusing name for a football club. It is also fitting and somehow appropriate that the 'Young Boys' play their home fixtures at the 'Wankdorf Stadium'.

If United hadn't been playing tonight, I might have actually gone to see the game as I have now mastered the (very efficient) public transport system in Bern. However, the prospect of getting lost and asking a local 'Where can I find Young Boys, please ?' was not an attractive one.

At 9 o'clock, multiple remote controllers appear from behind the bar, TV channels are switched and we all play musical chairs as we jostle for a decent viewing position for our chosen match.

To my horror, I see that United are losing 1-0 to Newcastle after Chelsea and Liverpool both won the previous night. I console myself by ordering another beer. Ten minutes later, normal service is restored when John O'Shea rampages forward (shurely shome mistake here - Ed) and crosses for Rooney who turns sharply to equalise.

I spot the Newcastle owner, Mike Ashley, sitting in the stand. This must be his first visit to St James' Park since he sacked Keegan and necked that pint in 12 seconds flat for the TV cameras. I sincerely hope the loud United following greet him with the traditional 'Come to see United, you've only come to see United'.

Half-time arrives and, much to my surprise, I see Edwin van der Sar drop a clanger for Newcastle's opening goal. Kind of ironic after his brilliant, record breaking run of clean sheets.

Newcastle are playing pretty well but United are in control and always look threatening. United take the lead when Park crosses to give the classy Dimitar Berbatov a simple tap-in.

Over on an adjacent TV screen, 'Young Boys' have triumphed 3-0 in a cup quarter-final. 10 minutes later, supporters who have been to the game drift in for the post-match analysis and a couple of drinks.

The YB fans are clad in club colours; Yellow and Black - hardly any of them are 'Young Boys', more like 'Middle Aged Men With Beards'. I am forced to gawp at one man who comes in with a YB shirt adorned with the unbelievable slogan 'Young Boys Forever'. A brave man. I truly hope for his sake, YB never qualify for Europe and he travels to the away leg in England.

Better still, imagine if BSCYB were to meet Chelsea in the UEFA Cup next season. Then we would have the dream fixture - 'Rent Boys' versus 'Young Boys' !

Next fixture: MUFC versus Milan, Wednesday 11 Match. Location: Madrid.

Or as New Order once sang 'In a lonely place'.

Much has been made of Rafa Benitezs so-called rant against Alex Ferguson. Of course, Benitez is correct for the most part but the most amusing part was when he pulled out a sheet of A4 with the charge sheet.

Benitez is pretty new to this game and he would have been better advised to speak out after Liverpool had won 4-0 extending their lead and avoiding the use of the phrase 'mind games' - particularly when he's not getting involved in them. Supposedly.

Instead, look at Liverpool's performance and result at the weekend (stuttering 0-0 draw at Stoke) and compare and contrast with United's performance (convincing 3-0 win over Chelsea). Now who looks an idiot ?

Of course, Alex Ferguson's just as bad - he is similarly obsessive and keeps his own little black books. When asked for his reaction to Benitez's press conference, he also rose to the bait, claiming Benitez was 'disturbed' and you had to ignore the 'venom'.

How much better would a simple reply of 'You know what - I poured out another glass of red wine, sat back and just smiled' ?

Anyway, to yesterday's game and Jamie Carragher. He looked decidedly uncomfortable being asked about United's best performance of the season and he looked distinctly uneasy when asked about Benitez's quotes but what do you expect ?

Would Gary Neville have taken money to go to Anfield to be a pundit on a crucial Liverpool game and run the risk of having to awkwardly praise his hated rivals ? I sincerely doubt it.

Anyway, the most telling remark was when Liverpool's vice-captain was asked: 'So you think Liverpool will be involved in the final weeks to decide the Championship ?'

A easy, weak, typically banal question to close the show. Jamie Carragher just needed to say 'Yeah - we are top. We are playing well. We have the points on the board. Games in hand don't always mean points. We have already beaten United and Chelsea and they all have to catch us.'

But he didn't. He said:

'Yes. Hopefully.'

Will this prove to be Carragher''s Gallas moment ?

Although I will always associate Paul Ince with the phrase big time Charlie, I do think the Blackburn manager talks a lot of sense.

In particular, I think he was correct in his assessment of Celtic's display at Old Trafford on Wednesday night in the Champions League. Apart from a few early promising moments, I think the gulf between the two sides was embarrassing.

In fact, when I first tuned in to watch the game, initially I thought I had got the dates mixed up and I was watching United playing Norwich City in the Carling Cup.

From the desk of Mr. Ashley. Good day. Private message to you.

I know you don't mind me contacting you by this means since we have not met before this time. My name is Lord King Glorious Michael Haway the Lads' Ashley.

Recently, my Uncle's (Sir Robert Robson of Gateshead) will was read and to our joy and relief, he has kept the sum of $8 milion USD in trust for the upkeep of the beloved Newcastle Footballing Club.

With divine intervention, we have already secured the assistance of the Cockney Mafia and I humbly seek your financial aid to restore Newcastle Barcodes FC to their rightful place (in the Championship).

However, you must act fast to take advantage of this opportunity. In the last week, we have already hired a leading, proven, experienced, respected manager to lead the team. His name is Joseph ('Kinnell') Kinnear and he has already made great strides in making friends with the local news media in order to obtain additional funding.

Newcastle Footballing Club already has some world class international footballing stars who are household names (in Geordie households) - England centre-forward Saint Michael Owen of Chester, Clown Prince Danny Guthrie and undoubtedly you will have a poster of your countryman, Shola Amoeba, on your bedroom wall.

Newcastle Racing Club Santander are a massive football club - in fact, every single English person who lives in Newcastle will tell you that Nudecastle are a sleeping giant. Newcastle play in a superb stadium - St Jimmy Five Bellies Park - which has an unbelievable capacity of 55,000 people. Once, back in 1996, when we were chasing the Premiership title, under the majestic leadership of the Messiah King Kevin of Scunthorpe, we even managed to fill it for the visit of Manchester United.

Please wire $24.6 million dollars immediately into account 7649820 - sort code 23-65-91 and we will proceed with Phase 2. This will require the appointment of a fifth interim manager - the self-appointed Royal Holiness Alan Shearer of Durham - to lift the club from the relegation places and a subsequent under the counter payment to hire the chosen one - a man appointed by God and equipped to save Newcastle - his name is the Special One and will be joining us in June 2009 once the Cockney Mafia has completed dealings with their Italian counterparts.

This will be a joint venture arrangement that will demand the utmost trust and sincerity which you will benefit immensely from this project, as I will rely on you for it's success. Please do indicate your willingness to assist me through my email 'nonalcoholicpintinsixseconds@hotmail.com'

Thanks once again for your kindness may God guide and reward you in all your endeavours as you make me realise my last dreams and wishes.

May you be blessed - Michael J. Ashley.

Thursday 15 May - Manchester, near England

107,239 hungover Rangers supporters (and an exiled Scotsman who drove up from Coventry) firmly blamed Great Manchester Police for last nights scenes of fighting, violent disorder and urinating in the street.

One fan, Jimmy 'Och Aye Jimmy' McTavish from Glasgow, claimed:

'Everyone was having a great time in Piccadilly Gardens, sunbathing, drinking and joking around with the police.

At 19:35, everyone went to the toilet, big Gordon put the kettle on, Doug popped out for popcorn and we all sat down to enjoy Rangers' biggest game in 36 years on the big screen.

Then, without any warning, the police switched channels to 'Coronation Street'. That's when it all kicked off.'

I have to say I am a little surprised at this breaking news. Still, I guess Eriksson will draw another excessive compensation package while he seeks alternative employment.

In my view, buying all those expensive foreigners, beating United twice and finishing mid-table was a creditable first season.

Mind you, I always had niggling reservations about Mr. Shinawatra.

So, who's next for the job at Manchester City - Jose Mourinho ?

Ashamed of MUFCs last two games (Barcelona, Chelski) - no goals, no threat, no attack, no desire, no ambition, frightened, defensive, arrogant, complacent, stuttering.

Complete shite.

We were the best team. People say over a season you finish where you deserve to, but we didn't deserve to finish behind Manchester United. We were everyones second team.

Terry McDermott on Newcastle's near miss in 1996.

Just a reminder of the final League positions for the 1995-1996 season.

London, near England - 28 February 2008

Arsenal Football Club were left reeling following another hammer blow to their chances of winning the Premiership. Last night, the French international defender and club captain, William Gallas was sectioned under the mental health act. A spokesman commented: 'This is an unusual step but the action was necessary for the safety of the individual and those around him.'

Investigations revealed that William Gallas' mental fragility was long standing and deep rooted. Our intrepid reporter tracked down his parents in Asnières-sur-Seine:

'Mais oui, Willy would often scream and thrash around on the floor if his elder sister played with his favourite blue train engine.'

'But that's not unusual behaviour for a toddler.'

'Certainment mais Willy was 23 years old at the time.'

Gerard Houlier of Olympic Marseille also remembers Gallas' fiery temperament: 'He once head butted the head coach for berating him for a single, misplaced pass in training.'

Jose Mourinho also endured a volatile relationship with Gallas: 'He disliked playing at left-back. We often had to make him sit in the 'naughty corner' until he relented. Gallas never really forgave me for giving away his beloved number 13 shirt to Michael Ballack. This was a punishment for turning up late for pre-season training. The last straw came when he threatened to score an own goal or concede a penalty in a crucial game against Manchester City. The guy is mentally unstable and we feared no-one on their right minds would buy him.'

Fortunately for Chelsea, fellow Frenchman Arsene Wenger miraculously 'had not seen' any of these previous incidents and paid £5 million plus Ashley Cole to secure Gallas' services.

Initially, things went reasonably well for Gallas who thrived on the Arsenal captaincy and quickly established himself as a favourite with Arsenal fans at The Emirates.

Sadly, the wheels started to come off for William Gallas in February 2008. Back at Old Trafford, the scene of the 'death of the immortal 49'ers', Gallas endured a torrid afternoon in a 4-0 FA cup defeat and was tormented for 90 minutes by Wayne Rooney.

Gallas lost control after Nani taunted Arsenal by indulging in a quick demonstration of ball juggling skills. This showboating was brought to a premature end by a swift and full blooded tackle from Flamini and later, by a viscous reprisal, from Gallas himself.

A week later, Gallas was tipped over the edge by a combination of unfortunate events at St Andrews. Following Eduardo's horrific injury, missing a chance to seal a crucial win 3-1 over Birmingham, then being denied a penalty, Gallas finally lost control and his sanity by another controversial refereeing decision when a injury time penalty allowed Birmingham to secure a 2-2 draw and deny Arsenal two vital points.

Gallas, the club captain, left his position and sat down distraught in the opposition half. Psychologists think this may be a cry for help and a regression to the 'naughty corner' punishment. When James McFadden converted the penalty, Gallas launched an unprovoked attack on an advertising hoarding, obstinately remained on the pitch and had to be lured back to the dressing room by Wenger, Pat Rice and two men in white coats.

Gallas' late night arrival at the mental institution triggered the departure of another high profile football star with well publicised problems. Paul Gascoigne, 40 of Gateshead, immediately discharged himself after a brief chat with Gallas: 'God I thought I had problems. I realise I am battling the demons in my head and trying to overcome long standing addictions to drugs, alcohol and false breasts but compared to Willy, I just feel like a fraud even being in here. Let me out now but please, just don't tell him I've nicked his blue Thomas the Tank engine.'

Every club knows they will have an equal chance of being treated unfairly.

Quote from Richard Scudamore (Chief Executive Premier League)

The proposal is for an additional competitive Premier League fixture to be played around the world. Although the top 5 clubs will be seeded, this still allows for the possibility of United drawing Derby at home (in Beijing) while Arsenal visit Liverpool (in Los Angeles).