Uk

chaos on the streets on Newcastle

The streets of the fine city of Newcastle were gridlocked on Monday. Locals despaired as their normal 20 minute commute took 3 hours 40 minutes due to a series of unfortunate events.

• A public sector strike (against pensions) closing the Metro and a tunnel under the Tyne.
• An attention-seeking individual pretending he wanted to end his life by jumping off a lofty bridge which meant the closure of the bridge, more traffic chaos and 57 social workers being summoned.
• Another (suspicious) fire in the city.

I owe my eternal gratitude to my taxi driver who meekly suggested that I might like to consider walking 10 minutes (instead of sitting for a further 90 minutes with the meter running) back to my hotel.

critical mass

Rapidly approaching the point when I will no longer send amusing emails to my ‘Personal’ email alias but will instead send a permalink to everyone on my ‘Personal’ email alias.

But then again, I only have two friends.

YCNMIU

Two days early. Please, please tell me that this is two days early.

all coming together

The primary DNS server at Malmaison went down earlier this evening for two hours so I called reception and uttered the following question:

‘Ou est l’InterWeb, si’l vous plait ?

The kind lady replied ‘Whay ya say, InterWeb down, aye - we know like, Ha’way. Do you want a canny bag o’ Tudor as compensation, bonny Lad ?’

quotations

Tom Kyte has some favourite quotes so here are some of mine.

Are you still doing what you did 5 years ago ? Yeah ? Well, don’t make a career out of it ? (Mark. E. Smith) All over Battersea, some hope and some despair (Morrissey)

As she parts her greying hair, voices on the stair (The Chameleons)

Every twenty minutes on the Appalachian Trail, Katz and I walked further than the average American walks in a week (Bill Bryson)

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food for thought

I met a lady from Newcastle who is giving two children from Chernobyl a summer holiday in the UK. She told me that two weeks in this country adds two years to their life expectancy.

a cause for concern

I am fortunate to find myself staying in a pleasant enough hotel in Newcastle upon Tyne. It is called the ‘Malmaison’ which is a little pretentious for my liking (for an unpretentious city where people wear T-shirts, white socks and mini-skirts in the depths of winter) but a colleague is also staying here and it does provide a clean bed and a shower which meets all of my simplistic requirements.

probably the most embarassing purchase in the world

Last week, I had to buy a birthday present for somebody. So, quite early last Thursday morning, I found myself in a cavernous Tesco Extra Superstore. You could buy anything there at rock bottom (close to InterWeb) prices: digital cameras, MP3 players, Ipod’s, Plasma screen TV’s, DVD recorders, SmartCars, absolutely anything

I must have looked purposeful and smart as an elderly couple mistook me for a Tesco employee and asked me where they might find bread and milk. I tried to be helpful and directed them to aisle 79 and gave them a pre-printed ‘Employee of the Month’ form to complete.

a narrow escape

I was just quietly unloading the dishwasher this morning, when my 10 year old daughter enters the kitchen and screams:

‘HE’S DEAD, DAD, HE’S DEAD. LOOK DAD. HE’S DEAD !’

Sure enough, Chewy, the 18 month old gerbil had got himself wedged in a Xmas wrapping paper tube. Being slightly narrower than a toilet roll, the poor thing had wedged himself in and was absolutely motionless with his bottom sticking out of one end.

by Royal appointment

On Friday, I was surprised (and honoured) to receive an email from Prince Philip.