Uk

out of sight

My long suffering wife and I celebrate our wedding anniversary every year in July.

To mark this momentous milestone, I buy her flowers, chocolate, champagne and book a corner table at our favourite restaurant, the wife takes the kids camping in the New Forest with her girlfriends while I make the annual pilgrimage to the Hook Norton Festival of Fine Ales with my mates.

So, if you’d like to read something from me in a different style, full match reports for the 2002 and 2003 festivals are already available online together with photos of a human pyramid. We even have our own stalker.

American with sense of humour shocker

Look at this gentleman’s very amusing profile on LinkedIn.

Look at his modest, self-deprecating description - ‘I hate it when our friends become successful’. Such a refreshing change from some of the pretentiousness you usually find.

This is the title of one of my favourite Morrissey songs. If only space had permitted the author to add ’especially when they’re Northern’.

Now look at his employment record and the impressive list of high powered job roles he has fulfilled for major blue chips in an exciting and varied career spanning over 20 years in IT:

Speech Day

Prizegiving ceremonies at school are a similar experience when you are a parent as when you were a child.

The event seems to last a long time. The tedium is punctuated by the odd, brief moment of excitement when little Norma (or someone loosely known to you) walks up to receive her book token.

Your mind starts to wander asking such important questions as: ‘What exactly did Christine Baverstock-Davis do to merit the award of “Outstanding effort in ‘resistant materials” ?’. Did she spend countless hours after school bashing iron, steel and rocks with hammers, mallets and pickaxes ?’ You start to wonder why your wife neglected to attend this years 3 hour marathon in stifling heat. Must remind her that it’s her turn next year.

British media

Occasionally, I have had the odd dig at the parochial, inward looking nature of the US TV and printed media.

However, last week, the UK media commemorated the first anniversary of the July bombings in London with endless pages of words and pictures together with and hours of footage, analysis, interviews, documentaries and coverage of yet another two minute silence.

Since August 1997, a nation that was once renown for a ‘stiff upper lip’ and dignity has somehow been transformed into 60 million professional grievers and bereavement counsellors.

just do what you are told

This lunchtime, after getting my phone past security, I visited the toilet at the same client’s offices. I was staggered to see a sign above the urinal that had another red ‘No Entry’ sign that said:

‘STOP ! If you wish to use this space, please call Facilities Management on Ext 3131. Reference TZ 864’

So I dutifully stopped, zipped my flies up, walked to the sink and called Ext 3131.

‘Hello. I would like to use the space - reference TZ 864’

just do what you are told

This morning, I was waiting at reception in a client’s offices and was filling in time by casually reading the various notices.

One, with a red ‘No Entry’ sign, caught my eye:

‘STOP ! If you are in possession of any camera equipment, please call Group Security on Ext 4141’

‘Group Security. Alan speaking. How may I help you ?’

Good morning, Alan. Norman Brightside here. I just wanted to let you know that I have a camera.’

Nanny state

Golly. It is very hot today. Thankfully, the UK Government has told me the solution:

Stay out of the sun. Keep your home as cool as possible. Shutting windows during the day may help. Open them when it is cooler at night. Keep drinking fluids.

Now I would never have dreamt of thought of doing any of those things. Superb advice. May I suggest a couple of additional top tips.

Avoid alcohol. An ice-cold beer may seem very tempting but does tend to dehydrate the body. Particularly if you have 7 pints of ice-cold beer.

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Fathers Day

Someone in my family was lucky enough to receive a Sony PSP over the weekend. The Sony PSP is a fun device. The PSP can play music. The PSP can surf the Internet. The PSP can even view photos and DVD’s. The PSP is also pretty good as a games console apparently.

The PSP is attractively styled in black although, bizarrely, my model came with a hideous white strap and incongruous white earphones.

the imminent death of newspapers

I am one of those 40-50 year olds who disagree with Stowe Boyd who predicts the death of newspapers ‘in the not too distant future’.

I like newspapers. You can take them in the garden. You can take them on the train, bus and plane. Newspapers are ubiquitous, relatively cheap and convenient. Yes I could pay to download selected stories to my mobile device but I’ve tried that and it simply doesn’t work. My eyes aren’t good enough to squint at a minuscule screen.

screaming babies

Another criteria for the inverse law of airports. The strange thing is, you are most susceptible and sensitive to a screaming, inconsolable baby when you don’t possess any yourself.

However, when you are a (recent) parent, you are too consumed with guilt and embarrassment to even care what other people think.

Or, if you are an (experienced) parent, travelling abroad on business, you tend to side with Frank Skinner, who memorably said: