Tuesday - An empty black hold-all crashes to the floor from its precarious position on top of the wardrobe alongside miscellaneous Christmas packages. Wednesday - A full length mirror falls and rotates through 180’ from being propped up against the fireplace and sandwiched against a box of files. I tried to reproduce the path the mirror must have taken but there simply isn’t enough room for the mirror to have fallen the way it did. ...
‘Oh aye Janice, listen. When my Dougie gave up smoking, the transformation was miraculous. He seemed like a new man. It was absolutely fantastic. His breath was fresh and clean. His teeth were gleaming white and he just seemed to have much more energy. Why, one day, he even smiled. And, Janice, let me tell you, my Dougie became a tiger in the bedroom, if you know what I mean.’ ...
Finally, after nine years, we now learn that Princess Diana (Queen Of Our Hearts ©) was actually killed by a drunk driver who was driving too fast, in an effort to avoid paparazzi, through a narrow tunnel in Paris. There was no MI5 conspiracy so the Daily Express no longer has anything to write about.
I was convinced I had my address book quadruple-mirrored (Thunderbird, Palm, Gmail and ScheduleWorld) secured on resilient disk storage using RAID-5 with offsite backups. However, when I came to start writing my Christmas cards, this assumption proved be to false. I think something must have gone awry during my disaster recovery testing in the summer. Anyway, if you can remember aunties name, street name and town, you can obtain the correct postcode from the Royal Mail. ...
Penny Coates is an overpaid idiot who thinks East Midlands Airport should be renamed ‘East Midlands Airport - Nottingham, Leicester, Derby.’ Personally, I think ‘Brian Clough Airport’ would be better because Cloughie is primarily associated with Nottingham, had links with Derby and also occasionally enjoyed a curry and a few pints in Leicester. Also, the proposed name will mean that most people will miss their flights. By the time you’ve told the taxi driver your destination, the plane will be on the runway. ...
I suspect the following notice in not uncommon in toilets throughout the world. Please show consideration for others and leave this toilet in a state you would expect/hope/pray to find it. However, this closing line is quintessentially British A toilet brush is provided, should it prove necessary.
I find it weird that I can carry around 4GB of disk storage in my pocket. I find it staggering that I can buy a disk drive with a credit card that could comfortably store 95% of all the production Siebel OLTP databases I have encountered.
I bought my children an advent calendar each to initiate the Christmas celebrations (and shut them up). As soon as my son got home from the supermarket, he eagerly ripped open the little door panel for 1 December and wolfed down the chocolate. As it was already the 3rd of December, I gently enquired whether I might be allowed to sample the delicious chocolate for the 2nd December. He agreed because he truly loves his father - ‘Yes. Go on then although they do taste a bit funny’. ...
I made an unexpected debut at my wife’s book club last night because because I just happened to have read the book in question and my wife (still) has a flat tyre. We all met up at Rosemary Barnstormworth’s house and she had thoughtfully laid on prawn volavons, curry flavoured twiglets and copious amounts of wine. Obviously, this was my first team debut so I was understandably nervous. However, I needn’t have worried as I already knew some of the ladies present and I was warmly welcomed with a large glass of wine. ...
Hilarious [Via Pete Ashton]