Uk

Solihull to Amsterdam via London

Norman - Your next post will be in the style of Micro-Blogging…

Monday - NSCR. Plaintive request from a customer to truncate a Siebel intersection table. Siebel’s official stance on the use of any direct SQL to modify data in Siebel base tables is well documented. However, for reasons that are too lengthy and tedious to divulge here, this particular request was approved. Mainly because they deposited £2500 into my offshore account.

Gerry and Kate McCann - an apology

On May 21 2007, this newspaper published an article that was somehow misconstrued by some idiotic readers to imply that the funds raised to assist with the search for the missing girl, Madeleine McCann, were being misused by Gerry and Kate McCann to fund baby sitting services and countless bottles of Rioja (Gran Reserve 1987 vintage) for British holidaymakers (aka Tapas Bar 7) in sunny Portugal.

In the light of several hundred complaints from outraged readers and the threat of legal action from the McCann’s Press Office (which is absolutely not funded from the Find Madeleine fund whatsoever), this newspaper is pleased to offer a full and unequivocal apology to Gerry and Kate McCann on today’s front page.

just do what you are told

Another in this award winning and ever popular series.

‘Hello John. Can I ask you a quick question ?’

‘Well I’m onsite at a Red account in deepest Kazbakistan about to go into a crisis meeting. But, as it’s you (again). Go on. Fire away.’

‘Well I have a really strange problem. I’m currently at Asda and I can’t get…’

‘Yeah. Hurry up. What’s the actual problem ? Installation, performance, database, network, security, clustering, defect, LDAP - what is it ?’

dead body under my floorboards

When your children ask for a pet hamster, always follow your gut instincts and refuse.

Last night, I entered the bathroom to find my wife had suddenly and unexpectedly replaced the tile lino with bare floorboards. She was on her knees sanding the boards for that perfect Victorian antique looking finish.

I carefully navigated my way to the sink and noticed my two children huddled under the pedestal, feverishly yanking at floorboards and ripping up plywood with their bare hands.

a very British death

An inquest has reached an open verdict on the death of a judge, six years ago.

This story caught the media interest in the UK because

1. The victim was a judge hence plenty of scope for pictures of him wearing his robes and his silly wig.
2. The victim was having an affair with a glamorous mistress.
3. The storyline was identical to an episode of ‘Midsomer Murders’ aired in March 2003.
4. The wife was arrested but later released without charge.
5. The mistress was also under suspicion for blackmail.

However, what I found interesting (it’s not really appropriate to say hilarious) about this case was the sequence of events after the judge told his wife of the affair and the fact he wanted a divorce. After dropping this bombshell to his wife of 34 years, he then went upstairs to, wait for it, change into his gardening clothes and prepared to mow the lawn.

charitable works

Many years ago, Norma and I bought my son a Formula 1 racing car. The car cost £230,000 and the wrapping paper cost £47.50. It was really difficult to conceal the present prior to the big day and the mystery gift somewhat dwarfed the other presents around the Christmas tree.

No seriously, this particular Formula 1 racing car was actually a child’s bed. The racing car was fantastic, tastefully coloured in white and red with large black (wet weather) tyres and the headboard was the cockpit.

back to school

When my daughter went to secondary school, like every other dutiful parent, we religiously completed all the necessary forms and paperwork.

As part of this, I must have divulged my mobile phone number. Now this must have been intended for emergency use only because I don’t divulge my mobile number (07723 431768) lightly.

So, imagine my surprise when I received the following text message yesterday:

‘This is Hogwarts Girls’ School. This is a reminder that Autumn Term starts on Wednesday 5th September at 8:40am. Hope you had a good summer. Thank you.’

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people are strange

Steve has an admirable habit of titling (almost) all of his posts with a line from a song.

Just went to the post office. I was in luck. Just one lady, with a baby in a pushchair, posting a small parcel. Or so I thought.

‘First class, please’

‘That’s £2.57 please’.

‘Oh - hang on. Do you think I should send this recorded ?’

[ She didn’t ask what benefits recorded delivery offered versus registered or plain first class. Even more odd was the postmaster’s reply ]

the real star of 'Saxondale'

Morwenna Banks, who plays Vicky in Saxondale, is superb. While she gets some of the best lines in the comedy series, co-written by Steve Coogan like

‘Tell him to put some jam on his shoes and invite his trousers down for tea.’

…her delivery and timing is absolutely brilliant.

double Dutch

After recent horrific events, I was forced to flee the country so I took my family (and a couple of young hangers-on) for a relaxing break at CenterParcs near Eindhoven.

For those readers with (young) families, CenterParcs in Holland is very similar to the setup in the UK except that the prices are lower and staff are actually friendly and helpful.

For those readers without families, CenterParcs is probably not for you.

Anyway, I have returned refreshed, invigorated and raring to go. I am currently wading through my backlog of email. Then I will quickly review the week’s football news and my Fantasy League team selections, watch ‘Saxondale’ and then normal blogging service will be resumed as I ease myself gently back into work and scale my ivory tower.