Posts from 2010

Short answer - She was in a meeting. I sent a polite email asking why my MP Susan Kramer failed to vote last night on the third reading of the Digital Economy Bill.

Dear Mrs Kramer

Many thanks for taking the time to send me a long and detailed letter is response to my email inquiry about your stance on the Digital Economy Bill.

You're right - it's a very complex issue and may yet be subject to refinements before it finally becomes law.

However, as you seemed to support the bill but oppose certain clauses, I was curious to find which way you voted last night in Parliament at the bill's third reading.

From reviewing Hansard, it appears you couldn't be bothered to vote at all. Which disgusts me.

You've just lost another vote in the forthcoming general election.

I then received this response

Thank you for all you emails regarding the Digital Economy Bill. Susan has asked me to respond on her behalf and I hope you don't mind my doing so. Please accept my apologies for the group email but we have received so many emails on this issue that it is the only way I will be able to respond to you all today.

First of all let me assure you that this is a very important issue to Susan and the rest of the Parliamentary Lib Dem party and she takes your views very seriously.

The Government has been intent on forcing through the Digital Economy Bill through the ‘wash up' as they believed it would face less opposition with many MP's having already left Parliament for their constituencies. The Government was so desperate to get this Bill through in fact that they pulled DCMS Minister Ben Bradshaw off his slot on News Night.

Bills going through the wash up are usually done in a more secretive fashion and full parliamentary party attendance is not required or expected. For this reason there were not many MPs there, but Lib Dem Shadow Minister Don Foster was debating on behalf of the Lib Dems. I have been in contact with his office over the course of the past few days passing on messages of concern from a number of constituents.

As many of you may be aware the Liberal Democrats were completely opposed to this Bill going through the wash up and wanted it to come before Parliament when it resumes after the election so that it may be subject to full scrutiny and debate. We were originally intending to table an amendment to clause 43 but decided, in light of fierce opposition to the clause, to oppose it totally. The Tories were planning to support the Government but barely any Tory MPs actually turned up.

We were unaware that there was going to be a vote on the Bill until only an hour beforehand. Susan was at that time in a very important meeting in the Constituency and despite trying, could not make it to Westminster in time. For your assurances, she would have opposed the Bill totally. Thankfully and with the help of some labour rebels and individuals, we managed to oppose the Bill. All Lib Dem MPs in Westminster at the time voted against the 3rd Reading of the Bill.

As I am sure you will now be aware Clause 43 has been totally dropped from the Bill. This is a fantastic result. Furthermore it is doubtful the rest of the Bill will make it onto the Statute books before Dissolution. Hopefully Susan will be re-elected and if so, she has promised to make the future readings of the DEB a priority and will be at future votes to represent your views.

I hope this has been of some interest to you, please do let me know your views when the DEB comes before the next Parliament and do not hesitate to contact me should you have any further concerns on this or any other issue.

Words fail me. We were unaware that there was going to be a vote on the Bill until only an hour beforehand.

Great. That really reassures me that you are on top of things.

Hopefully Susan will be re-elected.

There's more chance of Manchester United winning the Champions League that Susan Kramer securing my vote.

One attraction of my glamorous life as an IT consultant travelling all over Europe is the opportunity to conduct illicit affairs with beautiful lap dancers from Prague (who are definitely not transvestites). For the last three years, I have been secretly engaged in such a liaison with a beautiful young lady called Iris.

Unfortunately, due to Iris' work commitments, our meetings are limited to brief, breathless, stolen trysts in the arrivals and departure halls at the various terminals at London Heathrow.

Originally, like most shy, reserved young ladies being stalked by an aging, overweight business man, Iris played slightly hard to get and actually stood me up on our first date but I wasn't to be deterred and I persevered to win the heart of my beloved.

Eventually, the course of true love prevailed and our relationship blossomed. Iris and I enjoyed furtive, passionate encounters in the toilets at Heathrow with novelty condoms to spice up the relationship.

Whenever I returned to the UK after being abroad, I would positively look forward to meeting Iris and staring into her eyes. In fact, if I didn't stare into her eyes, she would often scold me in her dull, mechanic monotone voice: 'Please stand back a little' or 'Please move to the right'.

However, when I finally got the positioning correct, I was rewarded by an orgasmic moan: 'Ooh - aah. That's right. Ooh - aah Cantona. That's perfect. Just keep it there.' Then, she would part her smoked glass double doors and invite me to enter the gateway to heaven. And baggage reclaim.

Last Friday, I returned from Dusseldorf (near Germany) and returned via Terminal 1. My excitement mounted as I made my way to meet Iris as I hadn't seen her since a short trip to a freezing Helsinki (near Finland) in January.

My heart raced as I finally set eyes on Iris again but I could immediately sense something was wrong. She seemed cold and aloof. She didn't acknowledge my presence in the booth. She didn't look into my eyes. She didn't ask me to move closer. Nor did she ask to me move away.

A stony silence ensued. The tension grew. I moved forward - no reaction. I desperately tried to look Iris in the eyes but nothing. Suddenly, Iris asked me to look into the middle camera unit and I found myself squatting down, desperately trying to catch her eye and get her attention.

The interminable silent treatment from my lover continued. God - this was so embarrassing. I could sense the whole army of arriving passengers staring at Iris and I falling out of love.

Then finally, she came out and said it. She didn't bother with any pleasantries. No long, rambling, tearful conversation starting 'Dear John'. No hesitant 'This isn't about you - it's about me.' Iris just ended our three year relationship - three years filled with laughter, joy and slurping noises - with the immortal words: 'Your data can not be reconciled. Please seek assistance.'

With my face reddening, I turned to go. To my horror, a lengthy queue of important looking business types (some with BA Executive Gold cards) had slowly gathered behind Iris. Iris already had a stream of 30 handsome suitors queuing up to take my place. As I walked away, crestfallen, I overheard a gentleman mutter 'Idiot - you shouldn't even be allowed to use Iris.' while another said 'I'm going to miss my meeting now, you fool.'

Broken, I walked away and took my place in the queue for conventional passport control. After 25 minutes, the Iris queue had fully dissipated and my paper passport was checked fleetingly by a pretty young lady with auburn hair and a striking figure.

She smiled knowingly: 'Have you just been rejected by Iris ?' 'No - what on earth makes you think that ?' 'Well - I watched you get rejected by Iris earlier, your face is blotchy and I can tell you've been crying.'

'Anyway, forget Iris - let's talk about us. What time do you knock off tonight ?'

[ This whole sorry episode will be screen on 'UK Border Force' on Sky 1 on Thursday April 8 at 20:00 ]

Idea for a new TV series - When Ethernet cables go bad - A fascinating 60 minute documentary into the wide range of issues people have with wireless networks. The program would also include some C list celebrities and a phone/text in competition to win something.

I have had a wireless network in my house for at least four years. Perusing the annals of this blog reveals that while I have experienced various, sporadic issues over this period, by and large, the wireless network has been pretty reliable with three PC's, a laptop and an iTouch device using it without problems.

Most issues could be resolved simply by rebooting the router and cable modem or very occasionally traced to a broader problem with network connectivity from my ISP, Virgin Media.

Recently, my 7x24 Internet monitoring service known as my son came down into the lounge to watch TV. This normally means one thing - the Interweb is down and Call of Duty is missing one of their Lieutenants. And so it proved.

On this occasion, rebooting the router and modem didn't resolve the problem and plugging a laptop into the cable modem proved that the lack of connectivity wasn't due to Virgin Media.

A hard reset to the factory defaults and running an open network worked. For a while. Then the router dropped again. Installing the Linksys firmware to replace the open source and freedom loving Tomato software worked. Briefly. Then it broke again. Stubbornly the router reported 'Could not renew lease.'. No matter how many times, or how hard, I hit the 'Renew Lease' button.

This state of affairs simply could not continue so after investigating a little on the Interweb, I reached the reluctant conclusion that my 5 year old Linksys wireless router was, in technical terms, broken.

Curiously, for me, I spontaneously decided to buy another Linksys router to replace it. A like for like replacement. Subconsciously, despite the unit failing, I still viewed Linksys as reliable and found myself strangely reluctant to try another make and model.

I quickly shopped around and purchased a Linksys WRT54GL and, to my surprise, found it slightly cheaper at ebuyer.com than my usual preference for online purchases - Amazon. The router arrived the next day and I was able to quickly configure the network again as the family gathered expectantly inquiring 'Can I play Call of Duty yet ?', 'When can I check my email ?' and 'Listen - I need to get on Facebook now.'

Everything ran smoothly and everyone was deliriously happy. For 8 days until Norman Junior III came down into the lounge to watch TV again. After a period of 8 full days without watching any TV or speaking to us.

'Is it down again ?' 'Yeah - I rebooted both boxes and my PC can see the router but the router can't access the Internet.'

Back upstairs to stare at the Administration screens and the worryingly familiar 'Can not renew IP address' message. This time, I installed the Tomato firmware which worked briefly. I then reverted to the Linksys firmware as I prepared to raise the problem with Linksys technical support. But I didn't need to as, after resetting to the factory defaults and reconfiguring, it worked. Internet access was restored. Everyone was happy and didn't thank me. For a couple of days.

This loss of connectivity was now a complete mystery and now starting to get very irritating. Brand new router. Sporadically failing. My son and I stared at the blue box with the flashing lights and the contents of the new router box looking for the sentence on 'Troubleshooting'.

Norman Junior broke a rather stony and tense silence: 'What's that blue cable ?' 'Oh - it's just an Ethernet cable that came with the router.' 'Maybe that would work better as it's brand new.' 'It won't be that. These problems are not caused by an Ethernet cable. They either work or they don't.'

'What's the harm in trying it though ? We haven't got any other ideas, have we ?' So I exhaled loudly, sighed, threw in a couple of expletives and switched the original grey Ethernet cable supplied all those years ago by Virgin Media with a shiny, new, slightly shorter blue Ethernet cable.

And lo and behold, the blue Ethernet cable worked. Access to the wireless was restored. The bloody Internet worked. Perfectly. For 3 weeks, 4 days and 17 hours and counting. Rock solid.

He's a bloody genius, my son.

And the elephant in the room - the original 'failed' Linksys WRT54G router sitting up on top of the wardrobe, taunting me, calling to me, nagging away at me like a dripping tap. The temptation to switch back to the original router and try it with the blue Ethernet cable is one I have been able to resist. So far.

Working title: the dangers of Facebook, online dating, stranger danger and gross stupidity.

The (now defunct) Chameleons remain one of my favourite bands but were responsible for the most embarrassing night of my life.

After the band reformed, I went to their London gigs and occasionally frequented the (now defunct) Wishville forums for discussion about the band, concert reviews, banter about football, discovering new bands - all the usual stuff we did before Twitter and Last.fm came along.

In November 2002. The Chameleons played a single date in London before a German tour. As I had struck up a friendship with a like minded individual on Wishville (liked footy, liked The Chameleons, liked a laugh) and exchanged messages with him, we arranged to meet up for a drink in Camden before going on to the gig.

Mark Burgess is a City fan, so he'd arranged the gig deliberately to clash with United playing Bayer Leverkeusen in the Champions League so I'd hoped to see most of the game before going to the venue.

Anyway, we exchanged mobile phone numbers, exchanged descriptions and arranged to meet in an Irish pub (public bar) that was showing the football. I didn't tell my Mummy in case she was worried about me meeting a strange man I'd recently met on the Interweb.

Inevitably, something screwed up on the night mainly because we are blokes. I can't recall precisely what happened but someone had a flat battery, lost their phone or told their Mummy so I arrived at this hostelry and furtively tried to identify this gentleman from a (Wedding) photo he'd shown me.

To cut a long story short, I couldn't find him and he couldn't find me. Worse, the footy wasn't been shown in the Irish pub or rather, I think Arsenal was being shown instead of United, so I went elsewhere to watch the game.

After a few beers and United taking a 2-0 lead, I made my way to Dingwalls. Now, there was no way I was going to make contact with my 'Internet acquaintance' in a packed venue so I was quite prepared to enjoy the support (Brian Glancy), soak up the pre-match atmosphere, drinking overpriced lager while watching the technicians twiddle buttons on amps, place guitars on stands and say 'One Two - One Two' into microphones while waiting for The Chameleons to take the stage.

Unfortunately, as always, alcohol intervened and as I watched Glancy performing, I happened to see a young lady who was also a regular on Wishville. This young lady spent every spare minute and every spare quid on watching bands and had traipsed around Germany and the States following The Chameleons on tour.

Unfortunately, I only knew 'Cath' by reputation and only recognised her by virtue of her distinctive dyed red hair. While I enjoyed her superb gig reviews, we'd never communicated directly so I didn't know her and she certainly didn't know me.

I should have just left it well alone but for some reason I didn't and I approached a complete stranger (a female one at that) and memorably opened with: 'Hi Cath. Do you know where Joe is ?'

Cath Aubergine (for that was her rather unusual name) broke off her conversation with her mate, turned to me and replied: 'Sorry - what ? Joe who ? Who are you ?'. There may have been the odd expletive thrown in for good measure.

'Joe - I arranged to meet him here but....'

Blank stare. Her mate is also now looking at me with a similar blank stare. 27.4 seconds left before the 6'2" boyfriend returns from the bar with their drinks.

'Look - you know. Joe - Mr. Moto. Have you seen him ?'

'Oh Mister Moto - why didn't you say ? But what's your name ?'

'Andy.'

'Sorry - did you say 'Andy' ?' Another piercing, blank, suspicious stare. Times two.

'Look. I'm RomanTotaleXVII on the forums but my real name's Andy, alright'. Christ - the embarrassment levels were now excruciating as we were having to shout this conversation above the noise of Bryan Glancy's set.

'Oh so you're RomanTotaleXVII but hang on - you're not RomanTotaleXVII any more. You are now...'

'Yeah, yeah I know. I'm now FieryJack.'

'Yeah - you're the guy who names himself after The Fall characters. Well why didn't you just say so ?'

And so it came to pass - Cath Aubergine led me to the bar area and introduced me to Mr. Moto (aka Joe Donellan).

'Hey Joe - I've got someone who wants to meet you. Here he is - RomanTotaleXVII'.

Im not sure if it was Doug or Michael who first pointed me towards David Thornes 27bslash6 site but his latest exchange of correspondence with Michael Harding of the South Australian police is hilarious and had me in stitches.

I've read the article four times now and am still smiling. You can't really quote sentences in isolation to pay justice to the brilliant humour so just enjoy the full article. The guy is a truly brilliant writer.

London, near England - Thursday 18 February 2010

British Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, astounded the world today by announcing the total and immediate withdrawal of all British troops from the current areas of conflict in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Speaking exclusively to Piers Morgan on a prime-time chat show with tears in his eye, Brown explained: 'During the course of the Chilcott Inquiry (led by that England rugby prop forward), a few facts became clear; Tony Blair misled Parliament and lied to the British public.'

'There were never any Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq. We are fighting a war we can never win in Afghanistan. The time has finally come to bring 'our boys' home. We have lost over 250 young men in Afghanistan. Enough is enough and there's an election imminent.'

'A total of 12,500 troops will return home immediately from the theatres of war in the middle-east and Afghanistan. They will be fully de-briefed and given clean underpants. Then they will return home to their families for emotional reunions. Finally, the daily funerals of brave bomb disposal experts in Wootton Bassett are over. Seven TV crews and an opportunistic florist will also be recalled to London today.'

'This is not a day for trite soundbites but I can feel the hand of history on my shoulder. This day shall be a Public Holiday to be forever known as 'Honourable Draw in Iraq and Afghanistan' Day (HDIA Day).'

'On Monday, all the 12,500 members of the armed forces will all pack up their kit, say a tearful good bye and fly out to The Falklands to defend our newly found oil reserves from those pesky Argies.'

Whos there ?

Its me - Jamie.

Thinks to myself - I don't know anyone called Jamie. My son isn't called Jamie. My daughter isn't called 'Janie'. Even though the wife is visiting her parents and I have the house to myself, I don't suppose it's that bizarre, twisted fantasy featuring Jamie Lee Curtis.

I reached for a 3 iron to defend myself and finally get myself in the Daily Mail as a selfless vigilante, wrongly imprisoned for 7 years for simply defending his own property. An Englishman's home is his castle and all that.

'Oh - wait. Hang on Mister Brightside. Please put the golf club down, please. I've just come round for an Xbox controller and Norman Junior said you might be out so he gave me the keys to get in.'

And with that, I put the golf club down (Wilson Graphite Di9 Steel 4-SW) and said 'Oh that's all right then.'

Those 2010 Brit Awards in full:

• British male solo artist - Dizzee Rascal
• British female solo artist - Lilly Allen
• British breakthrough act - JLS
• British group - Kasabian
• British Album - Florence & the Machine - Lungs
• British Single - Beat Again (JLS)
• International male solo artist - Jay-Z
• International female solo artist - Lady GaGa
• International album - Lady GaGa - The Fame
• Outstanding contribution to music - Robbie Williams

...and Liam Gallagher swearing and throwing a microphone into the audience. Who said rock'n'roll is dead ? I bet Joe Strummer is turning in his grave.

One of the reasons for the reduced blogging frequency, Kenneth, is that I spend every waking hour devoting time to the thorny problem of monetizing this humble blog. Previously, I experimented with Adsense but sadly the revenue stream was insufficient to enable me to retire.

I am now pleased to announce the results of my research and contemplations.

Do nothing. Absolutely nothing. Be patient. Wait. Don't get frustrated. Just wait.

Sooner or later, you will receive an email promising you riches and wealth beyond your wildest dreams.

In return for posting a link to a Web site, I am going to receive a goodie bag containing the following:

• 2 Packs of Love Hearts
• 1 Pack of Chewits
• 1 Pack of Black Jacks
• 1 Pack of Refreshers
• 1 Millions Tube
• 1 Pack of Giant Parma Violets
• 1 Chunky Drumstick Lolly
• 3 Packets of Fizz Wiz
• 1 Marshmallow Flump
• 1 Pack of White Mice or 1 Pack of White Chocolate Buttons
• 2 Snap Crackle Chewbars
• 2 Fruity Pops
• 1 Piece of Bubbaloo cola gum
• 2 Fruit Fizzers

'The Retro Sweets Pile comes to you packaged in a clear bag.'

...which is very important as if the goods were packaged in a brown bag, people might think your were receiving sex aids through the post.

Prepare yourselves for a bunch of unobtrusive links to mindless, desperate UK based SEO agencies appearing shortly. Prepare yourself for a bunch of anecdotes about tooth decay and late onset diabetes.

Rich Manalang is taking a back seat and suspending some but not all of his online activities which is an interesting exercise I will follow as it unfolds. Or, rather I wont, because he won't be blogging about it. I suppose I could always email him at work.

I suspect Google Buzz was the final nail in his Web coffin. It certainly was for me. The privacy issues, the multiple, loud and prolonged orgasms from the Technorati, the same old avatars gradually showing up in my 'Friends' list quickly followed by the immediate same sense of 'Emperors New Clothes' and the inevitable post coital cigarette: 'How was it for you, darling ?'

Rich's decision to take a step back interests me as in the past, on at least two occasions, I have gone slightly further and committed Web 2.0 suicide. This entailed spontaneously and maliciously terminating a bunch of accounts on FriendFeed, Tumblr, LinkedIn and elsewhere. Of course, it didn't last and in due course I miraculously resurrected myself - but after slightly longer than three days.

What I find slightly odd about Rich's decision is that he will preserve 'IM and email' - I presume he means in order to work but maybe he includes personal use too - but he then goes on to include Google Reader as he finds 'GR adds order to the chaos'. I agree completely although I think the experiment would be much more interesting if he ditched GR and idle Web browsing for that matter too.

I suspect if I embarked on a similar exercise I would revert to scanning my small set of favoured Web sites. I also suspect, and it sounds slightly counter intuitive, that I would find lots more to blog about. Of course, Rich can't blog more because blogging is also suspended during this hiatus period. I also find this odd as he states outputs (5%) are much more valuable, but greatly outnumbered by, endless, mindless consumption (95%) so it would be interesting to see whether his outputs increase as a result of his self-imposed exile.