Accidentally.
For the last two weeks, I have been savouring the joys of commuting
into the City on South West Trains and the London underground network.
Like most large, densely populated cities,
Transport for London
has introduced a Smart Card system,
known as Oyster, which
allows ticketless travel on trains, tubes and buses.
Most modern cities in the developed world have similar smart card
technology resulting in a faster, more efficient transport system with
cheaper fares for passengers and reduced staffing costs at railway
stations.
Not London.
Last Tuesday, I disembarked at Bank underground station following a
hot, sweaty, uncomfortable 5 minute journey from Waterloo surrounded
by smart, professional merchant bankers wearing trainers and suits. As
usual, everyone strode out purposefully to get off the train first, to
reach the ticket barrier first, to climb the stairs first, to reach
the blissful cool fresh air first and finally, after a interminable 6
minute loss of communication, get a decent mobile phone signal so they
can immediately call the office to show how incredibly important they
are: 'Will be there in 5. Passenger jumped onto live rail outside
Hinchley Wood'.
I ambled slowly along (marvelling yet again at Bryan Devendorf's
drumming prowess) behind a gentleman who was rapidly approaching
ticket barrier No. 3. I withdrew my Zones 1-5 One Day Travel Card and
politely waited for the chap to 'swipe through' (as we Cockney
trainspotters call it) and proceed towards the escalators.
Only he didn't proceed because the failure rate on the Oyster card
system is high. Astonishingly high. The gentleman in front of me
tried to advance by waving his jacket pocket towards the card reader
but, inevitably, his Oyster card wasn't recognised and nothing
happened.
I was listening to The National and wasn't paying full attention so I
didn't immediately notice his quandary until he gave a little yelp. In
fact, he may have given two yelps. One as he rammed into a very hard
and very stationary, unyielding ticket barrier. And another yelp as I
rammed into him from behind with great force.
Once we'd disentangled ourselves, he started to complain that I'd
physically assaulted him. I told him he shouldn't buy an Oyster card
if he couldn't use the bloody thing. One of the three staff manning
the ticket barriers - most countries eliminated all ticket barrier
staff whereas London had to triple staff manning the station exits -
separated us and a 'revenue protection officer' then rubbed salt in
the wound by charging him full fare plus a £10 penalty. I looked
disdainfully at his suit and then I looked down even more disdainfully
at his trainers.
I duly appeared in court yesterday charged with 'Gross indecency in a
public place' but, inspired by 'Judge Judy', I conducted my own legal
defence, launching a magnificent counter claim of 'Inappropriate use
of trainers coupled with a pinstripe suit'.
Thankfully, the judge saw sense and acquitted me after a forensic
scientist gave expert testimony that the rectal injuries sustained by
the gentleman may have been caused by the insertion of a tightly
rolled up copy of 'The Metro' and not sexual assault.