Posts from 2009

Dear Bob

Congratulations on disrupting the lives of millions of Londoners by calling a two day tube strike. Nice timing, by the way. An England international at Wembley and more importantly; The Fall, Buzzcocks and John Cooper Clarke live at Kentish Town.

Just a couple of quick questions before I set off:

• I would also like a 5% pay rise which would come in most handy in these tense, difficult times. Also, the prospect of a guaranteed final pension and a job for life is also very appealing. I am certainly capable of reading a Red/Green/Amber signal, moving a lever from 'Stop' to 'Go' while reading a copy of 'The Sun'. Please email me if any vacancies come up.
• Obviously, I would like to show my whole hearted support for the RMT cause by hooting my (imaginary) horn and making a small financial contribution to the fighting fund. I will be passing though most of the mainline stations on my extended journey tonight so maybe you could picket there where the London commuting public can see you instead of hiding in your office car park - you cowardly bastards.

Your comrade, Norman.

My two favourite typos of all time, which are guaranteed to bring a smile to my face, are:

• Stationary Cupboard
• 'Principle Consultant'

Until yesterday when I received an invite to:

Date: 8 June 2009
Time: 16:30-17:00 (BST)
Location: G27
Subject: Warp up meeting

I opened the meeting with a summary of the day's progress and my findings: 'I have completed my analysis of Siebel performance, the Oracle configuration, the I/O infrastructure, the hardware specifications, application usage and my conclusion is as follows:'

'She simply cannae take any more, Captain. She's gonna blow !'

This week I am attending an excellent training course on Linux System Administration at Oracles offices in Moorgate, near London. The course is given by Harald van Breederode, an excellent trainer who manages to combine deep technical, real-life expertise with a rare ability to explain complex things in simple terms with a sense of humour.

As is traditional, each attendee was asked to give a precis of his/her job role, star sign, experience with Oracle, most embarrassing professional moment, any exposure to Unix (Linux), favourite band and expectations for the course.

Although I have used various flavours of Unix since embarking on a degree in Computer Science at Warwick University in 1981 and then working for a variety of software houses, my first experience of Linux didn't come until December 1999.

At that time, I was working at Sequent and had ported a lot of GNU software utilities and tools to Dynix/ptx so I had an interest in GNU software. In the midst of the dot com boom, I had responded to a job posting on Usenet and subsequently been interviewed for a Oracle developer role at a small UK Internet company. The embryonic company had less than 10 employees and provided marketing reports, segmentation and campaign management based on click-stream analysis.

If successful, my first task would be to migrate 15 production Oracle databases from Oracle 8.0.5 on Windows NT to Oracle 8.1.6 on Linux. After the interview, I figured it might be prudent to actually familiarise myself with Linux and how to install and configure Oracle on this platform.

Back then, our house possessed a single desktop computer running Windows 95 so the first step was to obtain a copy of the Linux operating system. I sent off the princely sum of £3 (including postage and packing) to the wonderfully named Linux Emporium (which I am pleased to see survives to this day) and waited patiently for my CD to arrive in the post. Norma raised her eyebrows at a blank CD anonymously packaged in a plain brown envelope but still.

This method of Linux distribution seems a little quaint and old-fashioned when, nowadays, you can download and burn a Live CD in a matter of minutes but back than I had a dial-up 56K modem and downloading a full Linux distribution would probably have taken 3 weeks.

As I recall, I had sole use of the PC back then (Norma didn't use it for anything) so I didn't have to bother with a dual-boot system or any pesky backups so I simply inserted the CD, immediately made a pigs ear of partitioning the hard disk, inadvertently formatting it in the process and proceeded to install RedHat.

Given that I knew that my prospective employer had already selected as SuSE the preferred platform (they offered a bundled support package for Oracle and SuSE), the choice of RedHat seems a rather odd decision. I can only assume it was because I had already seen more FAQ's, HOWTO's and community support available for RedHat than SuSE. Although, knowing me, the fact that the RedHat CD was 50p cheaper than SuSE can not be ruled out.

Obviously the years, coupled with the drink and drugs, have taken their toll, so my memory is slightly hazy after 9 years but I do remember a tinge of excitement as white text on a black background announcing system messages detecting (or more likely failing to detect) various elements of hardware and peripherals rapidly scrolled past my eyes.

Eventually, I was surprised and delighted to see a desktop complete with a login box rendered on my screen. However, I was equally nonplussed but not wholly surprised when my mouse didn't work. Now although 'Tools are for fools', the Oracle 8i installer is normally run as a GUI (Java) application so, unfortunately, I had to resolve this issue.

Not for the first time, I was now completely stuck as I only had one computer. My impetuousness meant I couldn't simply boot back into Windows to research the problem so I did 'Altavista'ed at work, printing out a wealth of similar looking issues and resolutions and started troubleshooting.

Norma was a little suspicious of me being locked away for hours on end, messing around on the computer with my new shiny, blank CD but graciously ignored the alternating screams of anguish and ecstasy emanating from the bedroom.

I soon got comfortable with booting to a command line with no Windows ('init 3') and actually managed to configure a device driver for my mouse and I believe I may have even recompiled the kernel. Not because I needed to but well, because I could.

When I eventually got movement out of the rodent and was able to log in, it was incredibly satisfying.

After that, installing Oracle was fairly straightforward as I had already used Oracle on Solaris. However, I recall running Oracle in my environment was a rather different matter as I was perilously close to the absolute minimum specification (64MB of of physical memory) required for Oracle 8i.

All of this work paid dividends as I was summoned back for a second interview and I was able to talk a little more knowledgeably about the potential issues and pitfalls of a Windows to Linux Oracle migration.

Needless to say, this was rather a verbose answer for the course so I just said 'I once blagged a job as an Oracle DBA managing Oracle 8i on a handful of self-built servers running SuSE.'

Come on everybody. Sing along now.

A mole digging in a hole
Digging up my soul now
Going down, relegation
Ashley and I in the sky
You make me feel like I can die
So low, relegation
Relegation Relegation Relegation

My obsession with notices and signs in lavatories continues. Has it really come to this ?

'When should you wash your hands ?'

'After your hands have become dirty.'

Unfortunately, I wasnt able to get a ticket to the Emirates on Tuesday night so here is my match report culled from my stream of inane drivel on identi.ca.

Preparing for the big game...

'My wife just gave me the shock of my life. She said 'We may have a big problem here.' Thought TV was bust. Turned out son 'lost' his PE bag.'

'Saw a couple of Gooners on way to Emirates. Lowered car window and shouted 'Manchester, Manchester, la, la, la' at them. They waved back.'

'Why the feck do Arsenal sing 'The Wonder of You' ?'

The game gets underway and the first can of Grolsch gets opened. 'What a start ! 2-0 after 11 minutes. The tie is over now. The wonder of Almunia (back to his best) and Gibbs.'

Half-time arrives, the pundits have their say and the Grolsch is restocked during the adverts.

'Urgh ! Jens Lehman - what a nasty and uncalled for surprise !'

'God - I think Steve Rider is going to cry in a minute. Is he a Gooner ?'

Second half gets underway...

'Gibbs off - for Eboue. Well, that's a bit harsh. He wasn't that bad ! LOL'

'Where are all those pretty Red and White Arsenal flags ? Have the stewards asked for them all back ?'

'Oh no - someone has left a suspicious package in the corporate seats. The anonymous caller just said it was under a pretty Red and White flag.'

'Jesus - that third goal - Rooney, Ronaldo was absolutely superb ! 3-0.'

'Walcott off - never actually realised he was playing. As Morrissey sang, 'You just haven't earned it yet, baby.'

'Who the f*ck are Man United ? Who the f*ck are Man United ? And the Reds go marching - on, on, on.'

'Arsenal - you now require 5 (five) goals in 25 minutes.'

'Rooney off - will play in the Final - and we look forward to the exertions and energy of Berbatov.'

'The commentator raises a good point - Ferguson is never hailed as a tactical genius (like Rafa, Arsene). Probably for the best.'

'Still, all Gooners can go home - trophyless - and rest assured this is a young team with promise for the future. Just like the last 5 years.'

'Look at Madrid. Look at MUFC. I have a feeling Ronaldo might be staying put. Not sure whether I'm pleased about that or not.'

'Fletcher - red card for a fair tackle - misses Final but you can't referee retrospectively. Otherwise MUFC might have lost to Spurs.'

'Emirates half-empty at the end - strictly part-time supporters. Don't forget your complimentary Red and White flags on the way out now.'

A lot has been written about Chelseas recent exit from the Champions League to an injury time winner from Iniesta at Stamford Bridge that dumped Chelsea out of the competition on the away goals rule to Barcelona.

Inevitably, there has been much discussion about the controversial penalty incidents, the quality of the Norwegian referee, the behaviour of some Chelsea players during and after the match and even ridiculous talk of a UEFA conspiracy.

However, two of the main protagonists in this European Cup Semi Final should reflect and examine the part they played in the semi-final more closely.

Look again at Iniesta's goal. No - come on, stop laughing - and look closely at the goal.

Who is the closest Chelsea player to Iniesta when he receives the ball ? Michael Ballack. Just look at Ballack's feeble attempt to block Iniesta's shot. This is the dying seconds of a Champions League semi-final. Ballack actually goes down on one knee and shrinks away from the ball instead of charging it down.

As for Didier Drogba, he missed a gilt-edged chance in the first leg that would have given Chelsea a priceless away goal. Drogba also missed a similar opportunity that would surely have sealed the tie in the second leg at Stamford Bridge. Drogba will claim his shirt was pulled in one of the penalty incidents but maybe his reputation for cheating and diving preceded him and influenced the referee's decision.

After 72 minutes, Drogba was substituted. As he walked off, he shook his head and limped towards the bench. The implication was he was injured after a heavy tackle and could play no further part. This clearly wasn't a tactical substitution.

Imagine then, my surprise at the final whistle, to see Drogba leap up from the bench, clad in idiotic flip-flops, running onto the pitch to harangue the referee and deliver a foul-mouthed, abusive tirade directly into the cameras and a watching TV audience of millions. No injury. Once again, just like last May when Drogba needlessly got himself sent off in the Champions League Final which meant that he could not take a crucial penalty, Drogba had cheated Chelsea FC and he cheated Chelsea fans.

Finally a word on the Chelsea captain, John Terry, the man who sobbed like a baby, after his hilarious missed penalty gifted the European Cup to Manchester United last May. After the final whistle, you can clearly see John Terry admonishing security stewards who were trying to offer some protection to the referee as they attempted to escort him from the field of play. Is a man like John Terry who conducts himself like this really a role model and the right choice as captain of England ?

Apologies for the slightly delayed post but I was laughing uncontrollably for much of yesterday.

You see - Im really wasted in IT. I really should be in pre-sales or on The Apprentice.

I thought I'd return to my minimalist roots and change the theme on this blog.

If you're reading this in an RSS reader, no need to click through and leave a comment telling me 'I use an RSS reader so I don't care about your new theme' because I already know.

If you think 'Hey - this theme is simply a blatant rip off of Russell Beattie's blog, I'm going to run and tell him', don't bother. I already know and so does Russell.

On Wednesday 11 January 1989, I went to Loftus Road to see Manchester United play QPR in an FA Cup 3rd round replay.

As usual, we went for a pint in our favourite pub, The Greyhound (or similar), on Shepherd's Bush Green before finally spurning one last beer and reluctantly making our way to the ground. Loftus Road was packed. The United section behind the goal was full. Stewards opened up another section along up to the half-way line to accommodate the large away support.

When we eventually got past the turnstiles, we surged forward onto the small terrace, singing and chanting, looking forward to an exciting FA Cup-tie under floodlights.

Shortly before kick-off, more United fans were admitted into our section and there was another surge forward as they tried to get a decent view, I'm a big guy (6'2") and I was (literally) lifted off my feet until everyone found their place and settled down.

When Tony Gill and then Deiniol Graham scored for United, there was manic celebrations from all the United fans. Once again, I was lifted off my feet but I didn't care - United had scored !

In the ensuing melee and chaos, a couple of people, including a young lady, lost their footing and fell onto the concrete terrace. When the celebrations subsided, these people were simply lifted back to their feet to continue their vocal support for United as they pressed for a winner.

Three months later, I watched TV pictures of an tragedy unfolding at a FA Cup semi-final held at Hillsborough where 96 football fans who, like me, had travelled to a football match, excited, apprehensive, nervous, to support their team.

Although I was saddened by the news from Hillsborough, I recall I was rather blase about the tragedy. After all, I didn't support Liverpool and I suspect we all probably went out for a few pints that night as Match of The Day was curtailed.

On Monday, I found myself alone in the house and read a copy of The Independent and was confronted by stark, black and white images of young people pinned to those metal fences in pens 2 and 3 in Leppings Lane, gasping for breath, lifted off their feet, unable to stand, unable to move, unable to breathe.

Innocent, young, passionate, football fans, just like me at Loftus Road, supporting their team.

Dying. In front of me.

I stared again at the pictures, I read the stories about the mothers, the sons, the daughters, the fathers. Then, suddenly and spontaneously, I just broke down and cried like a baby.

That's why, for all Manchester United's rivalry with Liverpool and for all the jokes and for all the banter, I have never sung a 'Hillsborough' chant in my life.

May the 96 victims of Hillsborough rest in peace.

Its fair to say it took me a while to fully get microblogging. In fact, initially Twitter left me as cold as a corpse in a deep freeze.

Inevitably, things change and like an old woman, I reserve the right to change my mind more frequently than my underpants, and in 2008, I started using Twitter to post a continuous bytestream of inane drivel in less than 140 characters.

Last July, when identi.ca launched, I immediately signed up for the open source microblogging service. I even built my own Laconi.ca instance - not necessarily because I intended using it but just to see how easy (or hard) it was to install and configure the software.

As a controlled experiment, I set myself the task of participating fully on identi.ca to see how long it would take me to acquire 100 friends on identi.ca. The answer, surprisingly, was 14 days.

Since then I have really enjoyed the sense of community on identi.ca, I have met lots of interesting people and enjoy the technically oriented focus of the folk over there. identi.ca isn't Twitter and the majority of my 'friends' steadfastly continue to use Twitter. This is understandable - Twitter gets all the media coverage. Twitter is where most people live and freedom is all about the freedom of choice.

I have continued to be a keen user and advocate of the identi.ca service as I think it offers several advantages over Twitter and it has genuinely made me consider the role of open source software versus proprietary systems with lock-in and closed data silos.

identi.ca has continued to be actively developed and it's exciting to follow developments and build each new version as it is released. Evan Prodromou and the identi.ca team actively participate on identi.ca and are genuinely responsive to honest, constructive feedback from users.

However, this week has seen a couple of developments that have sowed the first seeds of doubt about the future of identi.ca (not Laconi.ca) and raise a nagging concern.

The announcement of a hosted, off the shelf microblogging service - status.net with premium features costing undisclosed amounts of money. Obviously, Evan (and the identi.ca team) can't exist and feed their families on the many plaudits, thanks and congratulations of 60,000 identi.ca users and he was always going to have to monetize the service to pay his mortgage. However, the provision of a paid for service with premium features raises a few issues. In all the congratulatory coverage, sensible, intelligent people seem to have conveniently overlooked this particular 'elephant in the room'.

There is an obvious potential conflict of interest. If Microsoft are paying $50,000 for a hosted microblog and demand tight integration with Outlook which Evan fundamentally disagrees with, will he yield ? Will the development of other OpenMicroBlogging (OMB) functionality be delayed due to the demands of paying customers (large or small) on status.net ?

Obviously, identi.ca is built on Laconi.ca which is Open Source so anyone is free to fork the code and develop the software independently from Evan. For example, I could theoretically extract all my data from identi.ca, import it into my own Laconica instance and microblog away in the federation of Laconi.ca instances until my heart's content.

Today, we get another far more worrying piece of news - identi.ca obviously have more funding than I thought. My worries about Evan and his family living in a Montreal hostel, eating beans on toast and children with no shoes were clearly ill-founded. Identi.ca have announced the acquisition of Twitter.com with the following immediate results:

• identi.ca now has a Twitter like theme - urgh !
• We are already starting to see the inevitable influx of Twitter celebrities (Britney Spears, Barack Obama, Guy Kawasaki, Guy Cashmore, Jonathan Ross).
• The 'Featured' tab on identi.ca used to feature interesting individuals and long standing identi.ca advocates. Now it is consumed with Twitterati.
• It can only be a matter of time before the spammers follow

This reverse takeover of Twitter is rather like applauding The Clash's resolute refusal to play of Top of The Pops and then turning on your telly to see the band performing 'White Man in Hammersmith Palais' with Tony Blackburn as your smiling host.

To use another musical analogy, do you remember the very last song on the very last tour by the Sex Pistols in America and immortalised in the film 'Great Rock'n'Roll Swindle' ? After the last song, John Lydon squats down on his haunches and sneers at the audience.

'Do you ever feel like you've been cheated ?'

Well, Evan, yes - I do.