Posts from 2007

Student fined £80 for making a 4 foot penis in the snow.

As part of my job, I often have the pleasure of walking around call centers where agents use headsets to enable them to interact with a computer while conducting a telephone call with a customer.

I have often wondered whether it would be cool or nerdy to use such a headset myself. To date, where possible, I tend to use my mobile phone on speakerphone so I am free to continue to type. For lengthy conference calls (abroad), this isn't a particularly cost-effective option but please don't tell the CFO.

With the increasing adoption of VOIP within Oracle and the recent delivery of my deluxe headset, I am typing this while listening to a team meeting using Cisco Communicator. This is really neat technology, the sound quality surprisingly good and even better, the telephone call is free, completely free. So please tell the CFO.

As for cool or nerdy, let's just say I will only be doing this from the privacy of my own home or possibly my office.

My kids think my adoption of this technology is absolutely hilarious. They keep smirking whenever they come into the kitchen for a snack and if I happen to be actually speaking on the device, they simply can't contain their hysterics and have to leave the room.

In addition, my wife keeps smiling and repeatedly asking me whether she can get a motor insurance quote.

Despite a scattering of snow in London that normally brings the country to a complete halt, my return flight from Copenhagen was on time and blissfully uneventful.

Unusually, I was hoping for lengthy queues at passport control in T3. I was praying for four flights to land simultaneously and for the resulting queues to snake around the corner and past the toilets.

Why ? Because today it is finally going to happen. After, inexplicably not flying abroad for 6 months, I had finally managed to arrange my rendezvous with Iris. Tonight was the our first date.

I was a little nervous as I separated from the crowds and waltzed up to approach the Iris barrier. The lady in front of me was already having problems. She was staring blankly into a blank screen. The camera appeared to be off and certainly wasn't scanning her face (or anything else).

An immigration official came over to help: 'Use the lower camera'. The lady dipped her head and stared into the middle screen. Still nothing. How embarrassing. Is it too late to rejoin the queue for passport control ? The assistant said 'No. No. Look into the bottom screen.'

This meant the lady virtually had to squat on her knees and look into a screen positioned three feet from the ground. Finally, the advanced computer system recognised her credentials (and simultaneously sent her personal details to the FBI and Mossad). Rather flustered, she got up from the carpet and proceeded through the exit barrier exclaiming 'Well I don't think much of that system.'

Actually, the lady had made a schoolboy error that was covered on day 2 of the Iris Certified Professional (ICP) Training course. Advanced sensors on the entry barriers electronically scan to determine the height of the incoming body mass. If you enter, swinging your bag first, then the sensors mistakenly think you are a toddler or a dwarf.

Nervously, I entered the zone with my bag behind me. Iris was great fun. You look into a screen with your own image and have to precisely align your eyes with two green dots. This sounds easy but isn't. The computer helps you with 'Move your head to the left', 'Move backwards' and 'Look - a fraction to the right. Now just stay still !' so the whole exercise turns into a game of 3D 'Golden Shot'.

When the system recognises your retinal scan, you are free to proceed, waving at your colleagues waiting to clear immigration and guaranteed to be the first person waiting 25 minutes at the baggage carousel. During the trial period, you get presented with a 'I came through IRIS in 17 seconds' or 'IRIS thinks I am a dwarf' badge of honour.

I completed a feedback form with a couple of enhancement requests:

'Can the screen be upgraded to colour ?' 'Can the green dots be replaced with cross-hair rifle sights ?'

'How does Iris cope with bloodshot eyes ?'

'Can a sound effect (gun shot, hurrah, round of applause) be sounded on successful recognition ?'

'Can the system flash red lights and sirens with 'YOU ARE AN ILLEGAL IMMIGRANT' if the individual takes more than 2 minutes ?'

Blueyonder Webmail is down which is unusual. Welcome to the brand new, exciting world of Virgin Media.

Still, at least they have a nice friendly, Web 2.0 style apology. The marketeers must be busy planning the launch party and deciding which dress Richard Branson will wear.

Many years ago, a customer thanked me which was a pleasant surprise and quite unusual. Most simply ask When will your report be ready ?

This particular customer remarked on my logical and methodical approach' to understanding this long standing complex problem, proposing a plan of action and, on this rare occasion, resolving it.

I was interested by his choice of the words 'logical and methodical'. As an aside, I was convinced I heard a surly DBA murmur 'slow, laboured and hopeless more like' which hurt terribly.

Anyway, I don't believe that I have a 'logical and methodical' approach to problem solving. My approach is born from laziness.

For example, if you have 27 users synchronising 176 objects of 5 different types between two IT systems, there is a lot of data to analyse. When you increase the logging on both systems at all tiers, you get even more data to analyse. So much data that your head explodes.

Reducing the number of synchronising users to 1, the number of objects to be synchronised to 1 and limiting the direction of synchronisation to one-way isn't necessarily logical. It is laziness and merely reduces the amount of log files to a manageable volume so you are merely left with a splitting headache.

Sometimes, it may appear like wasted time and effort to stop staring at a monitor and painstakingly review yet again all the previous history, ask the same questions again and possibly repeat test scenarios that have already been executed many times by miscellaneous disgruntled parties. There is simply no substitute for seeing the evidence with your own eyes.

Similarly, many years ago, I used to quite literally get a detailed trace of a working system and a broken system ('let's look at the good versus the bad') and look for divergence. Occasionally, I still resort to this technique which can still prove to be effective.

This approach can be viewed as a little undergraduate-esque by non-technical people who expect expensive consultants just to waltz in and say 'Oh yeah. I saw this very problem last week in Kazbakistan. You just need to set the undocumented, unsupported and mythical parameter: _firewall_auth=trusted. Right, anyone for lunch ?'

Making use of other resources could also be viewed as lazy but never underestimate the knowledge and experience of the available technical resources who may have different backgrounds and areas of expertise and hence a contrary and valuable view on the underlying problem.

People (myself included) often limit their analysis to the areas they know most about.

Right - anyone fancy a walk to that Copenhagen sports bar for England versus Spain ?

Over the past couple of days, much to my surprise, I have actually managed to answer some questions.

1. The parameter ExtractStartDate was set to 11/01/2007. This means that Siebel will ignore all appointments and tasks prior to this date. The default value of 'ExtractStartDateFormat' is 'MM/DD/YYYY' which equates to '01 November 2007'.
2. Install Cygwin, sed -n -e 'x,yp' < bigfile.log
3. If the Exchange Connector and SSSE Engine component are run by accounts in different domains, trust must be established in order for RPC calls to work correctly. Alternatively, use two separate accounts (least privilege) in the same domain.
4. In the heart of London, surprisingly.
5. Install OHS from the OAS Companion CD
6. F11

And now for the questions...

1. Why, oh why, does Siebel stubbornly refuse to synchronise any of my appointments and ToDo's to Outlook ?
2. How do you print lines x to y of a file too large for notepad ?
3. Why, oh why, don't multiple SSSE engines on different servers work ?
4. Where is London City Airport exactly ?
5. Where do you get the version of OHS (with Apache 2.x) needed for Siebel 8.0 ?
6. How do you switch from full screen mode back to console in VMware ?

I am probably most proud of number 6. If only all my answers were as succinct and technically correct.

[Well, my SEO professor said it was much better than Sports Bars of Europe #7]

Feverishly scoured the Interweb looking for alternative sports bars in Copenhagen. Once I saw the address of my previous haunt, the marvellous 'Irish Rover', my mind was instantly made up.

Tomorrow morning, when the customer politely asks me what I got up to last night, instead of 'Caught up with my email and ordered room service', I can now proffer 'I spent a glorious, unforgettable night up 'Jorcks Passage'.

Inspired, I ran down the 19 flights of stairs down to the lobby to get a city map which I strive to hold the right way up. The pretty, blonde Danish receptionist couldn't be more helpful. She pointed to the hotel (D2) and passed me the map with a knowing smile; 'I am hearing this place (G7) is very popular with the English business men, if you are knowing what I am meaning'.

Even with the map the right way up, I still got lost. I passed a large City square surrounded by an ice rink and then the street signs ran out. Desperate, I opened the map and accosted a young lady in a lonely, darkly lit street asking for directions to 'The Stroget'. Instead of running away, mugging me for my phone or accusing me of date rape, she replied 'Yes. I am going that way so you can follow if you like.'

We got chatting and it transpired she had a late night at work as she was planning for Scandinavia's largest fashion festival in 10 days. Inevitably, as we hit 'Stroget' and the designer shops, our pace slowed to a crawl as we stopped to admire this year's autumnal designs in a very fetching brown.

This was going nowhere. I don't like shopping, particularly when the outlets are closed. Kick off was approaching fast. I could feel that I was really close to Jorck's Passage.

I had to nip this relationship in the bud. Now. 'Do you fancy coming to watch Eng-er-land play Spain, love and maybe get a kebab later ?' My glamorous, shapely, dark haired Danish escort suddenly recognised her best friend and ran away.

Got a Leffe and secured a blissfully unobstructed view of the big screen upstairs. After 20 minutes of boredom, the incessant Danish flirting started again. Personally, I blame that (3 day old) Lynx aftershave. I asked the beautiful waitress a perfectly innocuous question: 'Is it possible to order some food ?'

She leant over, plunging her cleavage over my pint, and whispered breathlessly 'If you can wait till after the match, I can give you my very own Special for 10 Crowns'. I was speechless at this unsolicited but very welcome advance until my neighbour, an Irish student bricklayer, translated: 'Yes. Surely. You can have a Irish Rover Beer & Burger international friendly football special for just 10 Kroner'.

Sigh. Another chance gone.

Oh and here comes the match report. A very uninspiring, mediocre team in white lost 1-0 to an unadventurous team in red with silly haircuts.

Travel Administrator for overpaid and unbelievably stupid IT consultant

• must be capable of using a corporate travel service to book a flight to Copenhagen from London Heathrow
• must be capable of reading confirmation email to check flight is actually from LHR and not London City airport
• must be able to secure approvals for travel booked less than 7 days from departure
• must be able to verify a flexible ticket has indeed been issued as requested
• must be able to convince the lady at SAS ticket sales to change a fixed, non-refundable, non-changeable ticket to a different flight at no additional cost

Salary - none. Bonus - none although you will receive my eternal thanks and defer my next nervous breakdown.

Benefits - you can blog about your idiotic boss right here every weekday.

A couple of interesting papers discussing the portability issues and challenges involved when trying to port Drupal to the freely available versions of Oracle and DB2.

Dear Reader

My cruel owner got very excited last night when he went to play with his rotating tagline. Instead of his precious blog, much to his surprise, he was presented with this. His reaction to this mundane error was startling.

At last ! Look, blog, look at this. 18 months and I've finally done it. At last ! We've been dugg ! Why did it take them so long to catch on ? Look blog, look. Finally, we've been Slashdotted ! The poor old servers at Bluehost don't know what's hit them. Thousands of hits per second. Apache is on its knees begging for mercy and more swap space. Why, I bet Matt Eaton will be on the phone any second now. We've done it. Technorati Top 100. Blog, look, just look at that screen !

18 months, 3 different hosting providers, 500 articles, 4 readers, 6 comments and 2 self-inflicted disasters. And now, finally, it is all worthwhile. My life is complete. And you know what - I think it is very interesting how all this happened shortly after my brilliant idea to introduce the rotating tagline.

Of course, you know what this means, blog. We're going to have to move house (again). Prestigious, high traffic sites on the TailRank front page can't live on cheap, 5 dollar a month hosting.

We are going to have to move to MediaTemple with a powerful grid infrastructure. Of course, the hosting will be absolutely free because MediaTemple will be fighting off Google and Microsoft for the privilege of hosting us !

Now I need to go and powder my nose. I'm doing a podcast on the Scoble Show in 10 minutes.

My cruel owner was so excited and happy, I couldn't bear to tell him this was just a temporary glitch on the Bluehost monitoring agent and everything was back to normal now. Yours

The interminable bytestream that is 'Blog in isolation'